Braving online dating and the hilarity that ensues.

I was single for nearly two years before I decided to dive back into the  dating world. One night after getting my heart broken by the same person for the 84^th time, I drank an entire bottle of wine and told my best friend, “It’s time…. Let’s make me a profile!” Because she is my best friend, she smiled and played along. I imagine she was silently commending my bravery; she was probably silently preparing herself for the avalanche of shit that was coming my way that she would incessantly have to hear about. So we made a profile: A perfectly well-rounded, charming, and hilarious version of me complete with flawlessly primped pictures representing what I look like about 27% of the time. 

The initial browsing of potential date candidates was so absorbing and amusing that we sat there for hours. Then the messages started flowing in, and if this is what it’s like being an international superstar of fame for no reason and having your pick of lovers, then I wanted a piece of it. And then I read the messages. Most messages go something like this:

“hey”

“hi sexy ;-)”

“nice smile :-)”

 “I know we only have a 33% match, but I think we would get along really well.”

You get my point, I’m sure. The emoticons really send those messages straight to the heart. Well articulated messages are incredibly rare, but they do happen. When you have a conversation with someone you seem to possibly have a connection with, there comes the awkward moment when one of you has to make the next real life step. If you do this right you end up on a date, and it either clicks or it doesn’t (Because this is when you find out they were lying about their height. SIGNIFICANTLY.). If you do this wrong you end up giving your phone number to an assortment of creeps and narcissists who want nothing more than to text you about their daily behaviors and send you random pictures. OF THEIR DOG. I might be the only one that thinks this, but unsolicited pictures (of a pet or the sender) really freak me out. 

I understand texting for the sake of texting when you are bored. And I love animals. I will never, EVER understand unsolicited animal photos. Do I send people random pictures of my cat? (Okay, sometimes but only my family and select friends. Because they know her…obviously). And oddly enough, I’m not the only one who has been subjected to unsolicited pet photos. Is this the new trend in getting to know people? What about those of us that don’t have dogs? Not a level playing field at all, dog-texters.

Anyways, back to the point here. What was the point? I’m not sure either. Something about how online dating is weird.  Maybe we should summarize some key moments. Let’s begin:

• The time a creepy photo-of-dog-texter got mad at me for going on vacation with my family and not informing him. Note: Had never met the guy. He never asked me to. Just texts. He would later break-up with me. Also via text. Via our pretend relationship that was apparently major in his head.
• That one time a guy showed up to meet me at a bar completely wasted. Not a little buzzed and friendly. Falling over on the sidewalk and peeing on a car wasted. I probably should’ve avoided meeting up at all after the initial drunk dial I received prior to this night. Here’s hoping he joined some sort of 12-step program…
• The time a potential date (also a good message writer turned dog-picture-texter) suggested we go to a restaurant because he had a Groupon for it. Oh, you want to argue with me about how times are tough and I should be more understanding? NOPE. Groupons are for long-term couples and our grandparents. And my friend Leeann.
• The time a guy told me that his phone must not have been working. And I fell for it because I wanted to. Oh, you’re judging me? You just wait…just wait. You too will hit your online dating rock-bottom.

This all happened in a span of about 5 months. Is it all bad? Well, kind of. But it is entertaining, and was a great distraction from what was going on in real life. I did meet some cool people, but I did not meet “the one.” Some of my friends did meet their significant others this way, so I would never tell anyone not to do it. In fact, I encourage you to. Because it’s an experience that every single should have in their lives. An experience we can all look back on and laugh at when we have lunch using Groupons at the age of 62 while we take photos of our dogs.