Monday, July 29, 2013

getting my goop on.

After seeing Gwyneth "Goop" Paltrow's abs in Ironman 3 I decided that I really needed to get my shit together. And what better way to do so than to turn to Pepper Pots' trainer extraordinaire, Tracy Anderson. I browsed some of her dvds on Amazon and decided on the Mat Workout because I figured it would involve mostly laying on the ground, which I can totally handle. I didn't take the extra time to actually research what in fact her method is because if Gwyneth can do it I totally can do it. Totally.

Well it turns out that THE METHOD is largely dance based. And, while I'd hate to shock you all, I am not what you would call "a dancer." Also, it turns out that there was a lot of standing involved and a lot of really intense movements and I totally understand why this method works — if you do it Tracy's 4-6 recommended times per week. FOUR TO SIX. Here is a sample of my favorite part, also known as the part in which I just decided to start wildly waving my arms around because it made more sense to me that way.



As I started the warm-up segment, I quickly learned that working out at home wasn't really the best idea I'd ever had. Because as soon as I was bent-over and reaching towards the ground to stretch, this black furry monster comes flying at me claws-out. Did jmeoww really just attack me as I am trying to go Method? Yes, OF COURSE she did. Once I brought out the chair for the leg segment it was game over because it was the perfect place for her to not only sit and silently judge me, but also attack me with her dainty paws through the chair rails.

Turns out this was the least of my problems. For the arm segment that uses weights, my dearest Tracy uses 3-pound weights. Well shit and a half I only had 5-pound weights at home. And because I'm fully capable of using at least 12 pound weights in a normal workout, I did not listen to her warning that I could injure myself.

And to no one's surprise, I did in fact injure myself. Which led to a sprained wrist that I am kept wrapped for a few days so that I remembered that I had a sprained wrist — not in fact, to be dramatic or to welcome inquiries from strangers. You don't know me, or my wrists so please do not ask me what happened.

The Method has been placed on hold until I can get my weak hands on some 3-pound weights and can get some professional dance training. I guess I will be returning to the gym like a normal, uncoordinated person. That's what Gwyneth would do, right?

15 comments:

  1. OK, i watched the video and would NOT be able to do this. when i tried Shaun T's hip hop abs (and i LOVE shaun T), i stopped because i felt like a fucking idiot doing those moves. i'm sure they work but i just wouldn't be able to do it without laughing.

    however, i hope your injury heals fast!

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  2. when you said the word 'dance' i pretty much wanted to stop reading there. i tried a 'dance' workout that was only 15 measly minutes and it was horrendous. thank goddddd kirk was not home to witness the chaos. i definitely do not have the coordination to do that ish. mad props to those damn dance mom girls.

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  3. the only time I do dance work outs is zumba. and even then I hide myself in the middle of the room so the instructors can't see me, and the dudes outside the window lifting can't see me.

    turns out I really do care what people think.

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  4. YOU KILL ME. Working out at home is a catch-22. I used to do Insanity in my basement to be free from judgment of other gym-goers.. but then I quickly realized without the pressure of other people around me, I skipped 20% of the exercises and just sat on the floor and watched the DVD. I guess having other people there is a little bit of an incentive for me?? Send me JMeoww, I know she will tell it to me straight.

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  5. I read this as, "Getting my poop on" ...clearly, I have not had my morning coffee yet.

    J is still mad at you for trying to trick her with the pill wrapped in cheese.

    The only work out I've ever done at home was On Demand, and it was Kendra's Boot Camp (Kendra from the Girls Next Door) ...let me tell you, my buns? They don't feel nothin' like steel.

    ^^ NAME THAT MOVIE.

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  6. I can do zumba only because I don't give a fig's fart what I look like. I am afraid of Tracey A. Jmeoww craps on Tracey A.

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  7. my arms hurt just watching that.

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  8. Getting injured with 5lb weights is pretty impressive. I may need to check this out, because holy shit, how hard core can a move be if you have to use 3lb weights?!?!

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  9. Whooooo guuuurlll.. I need me some goob abs, arms, legs,... the list goes on..time to give some new things a go too :)

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  10. That's intense. I love workouts that incorporate dance though. Makes me feel like I'm not even working out. Although I danced all night Friday and I'm still sore...so maybe I need to look into some videos myself.

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  11. bahahahah....i'll trade you Tracy Andreson for Caremen Electra stripper workout....but Carmen Electra uses chairs too and JMeow might not like you sitting on her at times hahah...my dad sent me P90x and my fatty, Kors, decided my yoga mat was more suited for him to lay on...spoiled cat

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  12. Good grief. That's way too much coordination for me. I'll stick to the treadmill and Barre 3, thankyouverymuch.

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  13. I concur with Alissa, I thought you got your poop on.

    The arms had me giggling in this Starbucks. Poor JMeoww, she thought you had just become a giant cat toy.

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  14. Hahaha! That work out. I would probably sprain my wrists without weights. I haven't worked out at home since Billy Blanks' Tae Bo!

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  15. Oh. No. Wait. I totally had The Grind with Eric Neis on VHS in high school. My sister and I thought we were pretty bad ass with that "hip hop" routine.

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We just became best friends.

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