The (un)Official Social Media Guide - 2014

In the last three months alone, I have thought about deleting my Facebook no less than 36 times. Between the hot debate I started over who marriage is actually for, to being crucified for defending my place of work, Facebook is just not fun anymore. It has made people conceited, combative, and ignorant. Yes, ignorant. Because why actually go out and research anything on your own when your cousin Verne is sharing articles that his neighbor Tobias shared? FACEBOOK IS THE GOSPEL.

No, no it isn't.

And beyond the spreading of ignorant opinions, memes, and false news articles, it has given people the belief that it is perfectly acceptable to be an asshole on the internet. Listen, I won't comment on each of the invites to your goddamned Arbonne parties telling you that it is a pyramid scheme if you don't comment on my posts about my place of employment.

Things that we type into a tiny comment box with improper spelling and punctuation? They get misinterpreted and start unnecessary drama. Oh you think my sister was being rude? Girl, please we all know when she's intentionally being rude. THERE WAS A SMILEY FACE FOR SHIT'S SAKE.

But its my Facebook/Twitter/Instagram and I do what I want! Yes, and I have the option to unfriend/delete you and I thank the angels above every day for that. The social media circles that I choose to include myself in should be a place where I feel comfortable sharing photos, life updates, and other things relevant about my life to the friends and family I do not see or speak to often.

So if you are like me, and would like social media to return to the lovely roots that it began with, follow these simple rules.

Share a respectable amount of photos - We love seeing photos of our friends and family! But do they really want to look through all 543 of your engagement photos? 700 of you wedding? Your #OOTD every day? No one has time for that. Choose a selection that best represents your event/yourself and post them. With captions. So we know which flavor of the month that is by your side.

Keep your comments friendly and minimal - You do not have to comment on every single thing that pops up in your newsfeed. And don't leave comments that are mean. Remember, we are all in a safe-sharing zone - not one in which we should have to defend ourselves, EVER. If you don't like something you see in your newsfeed, scroll right past it! And if it really bothers you, send your friend a private message.

Share minimal information - Again with the minimal! Especially concerning financials, am I right? But seriously, we do not need to know every single detail of your relationship or daily activities. Relish in your emotions, privately. No seriously. Try it. You can cry without telling the internet that you are crying. I promise. You can also potty train your child without showing us. You are goddamned right you can!

What happens on social media stays there - Do not, under any circumstances, email, text, or call me about something that you saw on Facebook or Twitter. Chances are, I will see it. Chances are, I scrolled right past it as my eyes rolled back in my head and I said a novena for humanity. Chances are, SHE WAS NOT BEING RUDE GET OVER IT.

If you think it is wrong, then it is - Have you ever thought, "Oh, maybe I shouldn't post that..." THEN DO NOT POST IT. If you think you might be being an asshole, chances are that you actually are. Step away from the keyboard and reevaluate your life.

Do your research - If there is ever an issue you feel strongly about and you would like your friends and family to learn about it, do your research first before sharing! I will never forgive myself for KONY2012. I hopped on that bandwagon faster than I could say "Is that Jason Russell jacking it on a corner?"

And finally, get off of the computer and go do some good! You will not save the world online, no matter how many times you share an article about Obama's communism or a photo of a child with cancer. You are not really helping. You want to help? Go pick up some trash outside. Volunteer somewhere. Donate blood. Just save us all the ass-kissing and don't post photos of it, okay? I don't need to see the needle in your arm.

Easy peasey, right? Give it a try. Report back. Let's make social media circles a safe and happy place again!