How we met.

One of the only pictures we took. Classy.
So classy right now.

Last year my friend Emily invited me to her fiancé’s company Christmas party. Why this was okay, I’m still not sure. But the words, “free booze and fancy party” are the kind I will never say no to (which is also how I ended up at a military ball one time). So I got all fancied up, and even squeezed into control top panty hose. Side note: Do you have any idea how expensive those things are? And how easily they rip? Someone out there is setting us up for complete failure and a resulting emotional meltdown. The fact that you need them is bad enough in the first place. But the fear of ripping your $16 panty hose as you are shimmying them up your pasty thighs is emotional terrorism.



Anyways. Once we arrived at the party we discovered a fake casino, abundant free cocktails, and men galore. Let me clarify. There were male humans galore. Male humans who haven’t upgraded their wardrobe since about 1997 and didn’t seem to understand that the event was semi-formal (jeans do not a semi-formal outfit make). So we drank, fake gambled, drank some more. And then as Emily’s fiancé was introducing her to some coworkers, we spotted a guy that was well-dressed, appeared friendly, and had one of the most genuine smiles I’d ever seen. So what did we do? Giggled and ran away to go get another drink. Naturally.

For most of the remainder of the party we continued to stalk from afar. After many more cocktails and drunkenly accosting a person who works at our place of employment who also happened to be at the same party, I decided to grow some balls and flash this human a smile. Bold, I know. And then I walked to the bar again, where Taco the bartender (who looked like Bill Murray and also could make himself disappear) was happy to set me up with another beer and next thing I know that human is standing next to me, in a non-creepy way. So we chatted for a while, he made me take off my 5-inch heels to analyze my height, and then he took me on a tour of the crowd to look for a woman that dresses as a dwarf.

When it was time to leave, I did the one thing you aren’t supposed to do, ever. I got in a car with a stranger. FOR GOOD REASONS. #1 He lived by me, and Emily and Bill would’ve had to drive way out of their way to take me home. #2 Emily reassured me several times that it was okay. Emily who was shwasted off 3 cocktails repeatedly said it was fine. It was fine!

As we were driving and bonding, he decided to confess that he forgot my name. HE FORGOT MY NAME. You guys, I had no more dignity at that point. Lucky for him I have a good sense of humor. Upon arrival at my apartment, we sat in my driveway and talked a little bit more and then this happened. He asked if he could come up to use my restroom and swore that it wasn’t a ploy. And because I already rode home with a stranger who didn’t even know my name, why wouldn’t I allow him in my place of residence late at night? I swear my mother raised me to make better choices. I agreed, but warned him that I had a kitten that was a little bit aggressive and weird and I’m sorry if she tries to eat your face off. When I opened the door and my little jmeoww came bounding up to greet me as she does, he shouted, “Holy shit, she’s tiny! This is what you’re worried about?” You have no idea.

So there was much more talking and some making out and some control-top panty hose that turned out to be super embarrassing (in the most non-sexual way, I swear). And because it was well, nearly dawn probably at this point I told him it was okay to spend the night (in an even more non-sexual way I swear I’m not like that ohmygod who raised me). So he did. And there was cuddling. RESPECTFUL CUDDLING.

When he left in the morning, I gave him my number and told him I didn’t want his because he would need to contact me first because I’m such a proper lady, as evidenced by the previous night’s choices.

And he did. Of course he did. And then we went on our first unofficial date that night in which I met some of his closest friends. Because that’s not weird at all.

And so it began.