People of the Gym: Part 1

I promised myself I would not make fun of people at the gym. Do not make fun of people at the gym, Tiffany! They are bettering their lives, no matter how ridiculous they look!

I...can't....help...myself! And I would be denying you golden entertainment so really I am being a bad person for your benefit so you're welcome.

That said, our first star of PEOPLE OF THE GYM is a man whom I would like to refer to as Jim. And if that right there doesn't get me a book deal, I don't know what else you people expect from me.

Before I tell you about Jim at the gym, let me set the stage a little. We belong to a small gym in an ethnically diverse neighborhood. I'm not being racist when I say that most of the gym members are of Asian or Indian descent. IT IS A FACT, NOT RACIST. Imagine middle-aged women of these descents arriving for Zumba, belly-dancing, and various other classes that I am not coordinated enough to attend. Incredibly muscular younger Asian dudes that are really testing their genetically predispositioned frames. And a sprinkle of old white dudes that can't afford LA Fitness so they ended up here and really just walk in circles and put their legs up on things to have a nice chat.

Which brings us to Jim, a tall-ish and moderately dumpy older white man. Whom I'm sure is really nice in real life. I was minding my own business doing some seated rows when Jim appeared at the weight machine to my left. I believe it was a pull-down lat machine? I don't really know the names, I just know what they do.

What follows are the rules Jim follows when performing his lat pulls:

• Walk around in a circle as you approach the lat machine. Breathe loudly.
• As aggressively as possible and without fully sitting down, complete your set at lightning fast speed, making sure that the bar slams up into place when you are through.
• Jump up and do some more intense circle walking as you continue to breathe like a gorilla.
• Give the machine an intense and slightly rapey stare-down as you approach for your next set.
• Do more than the standard number of sets because YOU ARE SO SWOLL.
• When you are finished, don't even thinking about wiping the machine down because your sweat is the nectar of the gods.

And holy shit you guys I just realized who Jim really is...

Kenny. Fucking. Powers.

They are definitely at least brothers....cousins...

Anyways, I doubt that Jim intends to be so intense. It's just that he works really hard for his pasty, doughy body and he wants to get the most self-esteem out of any workout that he completes. And can we really fault him for that? I mean, yea, I guess I kind of am.

I haven't seen Jim this week, so I'm guessing either he dislocated his shoulder with his vigorous routine or he achieved his goals. So get well soon, Jim! Or congratulations!