what would yeezus do?

I realize that this post is beyond a few days late considering this news came out last week and is already so last year. However, I wanted to use the weekend to listen to Yeezus to make a fair and balanced assessment, Fox news style.

Although I am strongly suspicious that the act of listening to Yeezus on repeat is what caused my car to stop working, I loved it. First things first — this is not radio friendly music. At all. It is rough and dirty and sometimes a little harsh on the ears but in a strangely melodic way. Like a Bjork kind of way. What a comparison. But you probably aren't going to find yourself gleefully rapping along a la Two Chainz. Unless you've mastered the growl. Because there is growling. I love it. I also love the angelic voice of Justin Vernon (of Bon Iver) getting nastified. I have NO idea what his lyrics are, I just know they are not friendly. That unlikely pair? They make magic.

Kanye's last album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, is what completely changed my mind about him as an artist. I listened to his previous tracks on the radio but purchased this entire album because I was obsessed with "Monster." This album blew my mind and I listened to it on repeat for months on months. AND and it featured my hipster angel, Justin Vernon. And many other collaborations including the rap verse on "Monster" that in my mind put Nicki Minaj on the map and was probably her best work ever (FUN FACT! If you get me really drunk I can rap that for you).

via Vulture

I know that I am never ever going to convince you to like Kanye West. Ever. He is the man that everyone hates. Well, everyone except me. I find him extremely talented and intelligent, all while maintaining the knowledge that he is in fact probably a little bit crazy. Artists have never been known as the sanest people on our planet. One even cut his ear off. Some sleep in art museums for art. Others make music and live an incredibly outlandish and avant-garde lifestyle that we cannot relate to and don't understand how to begin to.

This. Was. Brilliant.

That is Kanye. Yes he picked on America's goddamned sweetheart and most of America will NEVER get over that (although it was incredibly well deserved and I loved every second of it and also it was the MTV awards so those don't really count). But at the end of the day, he is an artist so the crazy is okay. He pushes the boundaries and tries new things and GASP dares to be different.

via Vulture

Most importantly, the baby name? We make it our business although it is none of ours. And really, it wasn't the worst they could do. Can we give them some credit for at least spelling it right? Yes, this little girl will be brought up in the spotlight living the most lavish lifestyle imaginable. Did we think that Marie would suffice for a child as such? Maybe Kathleen? Come on people. They are celebrities, and we asked for it.

In conclusion, you may not like the man. You may not like his baby-momma (I certainly do not). But give the guy a fucking break okay? Until you come out with your groundbreaking rap album. Then you can speak.

Whatever Wednesday...are you kidding me with this?

My first kiss? This is what our fearless leaders came up with. Why this offends me more than "My First Time" is beyond me. I should write that down in a notebook somewhere and save it for therapy.

The problem is...I don't remember it. How terrible is that? I think it happened during a game of Truth or Dare at a friend's house after an 8th grade sleepover. 8th grade. Late bloomer, I know. I was painfully, painfully shy. And because I don't remember exact details, I imagine that I chickened out and took a dare. Because if I kissed a boy and any of my sisters found out about it, my life was over.
I also remember taking a dare to write something incredibly vulgar on my friend's driveway with a candle. SO YOU COULD ONLY SEE IT WHEN IT RAINED. I don't know where we got that information from, I just know that I don't think her parents ever forgave us.
At yet another sleepover with yet another game of Truth or Dare, my asshole friends dared the birthday girl's brother to kiss me. Which I TOTALLY chickened out of because he came at me with a mouthful of braces. His braces mixed with my braces definitely would've ended in a 911 call. I couldn't have that kind of scandal on my record. Also how is it fair that I have no choice in that situation? I didn't choose him. It was like low level sexual harassment at that party. Obviously I'm over it...
That is how insignificant that moment in my life was. And while it makes me a little sad that I don't remember my true first kiss, I remember plenty of other kisses. Although most of those led to mascara tears, snot bubbles, and residual pieces of my heart that would take years to repair. But as they say, you have to kiss a lot of toads, AM I RIGHT?
(Clearly I didn't know how to end this post. I apologize for that line up there.)

it happens.

Saturday afternoon as I was driving 100 miles north to my homeland of Chino for a couple of family parties, jamming out to Yeezus and giggling at my hipster angel Justin Vernon singing obscenties, I felt my car slip a little. I assumed it was the difference between the old road and the freshly paved road I was now traveling over. But my car just. wouldn't. go. In the fast last on the highway. I nearly shit my pants.

Luckily I was near an exit that had both a Jiffy Lube and another mechanic. The guys at the mechanic scanned the magical computer wand situation thing to discover what was wrong with it but that they couldn't fix. AND THEN THEY CLEARED THE ERROR. So that I wouldn't be able to report to the next mechanic that I was now heading to. And did not direct me anywhere or offer any other advice, but assured me that I would be fine driving on the freeway to my destination, which had now become my hometown mechanic about 30 miles down the highway.

So I hopped back on the freeway and NOPE. This bitch wasn't going to go over 35 miles per hour. So I shit my pants again, pulled off the freeway and hopped on Yelp to find the nearest mechanic that was open. Oh, yea sure come in! We can take a look at it. 

And upon my arrival at the least-safe mechanic I could've chosen, Oh no we can't look at that today. I JUST SPOKE TO YOU ON THE PHONE ARE YOU HIGH RIGHT NOW?

Tow truck it was.

Guys, when it comes to anything that is remotely related to finances I cry. Because I am not a millionaire. DON'T BE SO SURPRISED. So when I got the news that my transmission was in fact dead and that I had no vehicle 100 miles from home, I cried my ass off. In between all of the shitting of the pants. 

So for the next few weeks Justin and I are sharing a car like savages. The only problem is that I typically leave for work as he is waking up. To pull a card from my boo Chris' book, Saint Justin is waking up early so I can drop him off at work and drive down to work. SAINT JUSTIN is also researching cars for me because that is what he did in his past life. He was a car. 

THE SILVER LINING? Because there is one. Right? I get a new car. I'll take any new car advice you have in the comments. FOR FREE because you know, FINANCES.

Whatever Wednesdays: My First Time.

YOU WISH. Like I would ever publicize those kind of shenanigans. For free. Without a book deal.

So what are we talking about then?

My first time watching Harry Potter. Which was this past Sunday. Please continue to shame me.

Listen. When HP came out, I was far too cool for that shit. You know? I just was. That and 19,000 other movies that I am now catching up on. SO I AM SORRY that I was once too cool for these things. Or things in general, really.

However, when I was included on a group tweet that was Harry Potter related, I finally owned up to this horrific secret. No regrets, ladies. And then I had the brilliant idea that would lead to this blog content. Because something has to give me content.

After telling Justin an equally long story as the one above we sat down, post-Tiffany-nap, to watch Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone. I had no idea how long that effing movie was. Are you serious with that? For a target audience of young adults? I had the ants in my pants, but I watched all 2 hours and 25 minutes of tiny Harry and his tiny friends.

These tiny people haven't even hit puberty and they are using magic and turning people to stone? IN YOUR DREAMS.

Hold your mouth for a second. I am not, in any way bashing Harry Potter. I love my life too much.

What I'm saying is that I need to watch the other movies before I make a final judgement on this situation. I'm also thinking that maybe I should've watched these before I turned 30 so that I could appreciate them more. Also, MORE DRAGONS. Baby dragons are the way to my heart.

At least I won't get cyber-bullied anymore.

the jmeoww diaries v.9

FANS. It has been far, far too long since you have officially heard from the Queen Beast. She misses you, she thinks. She isn't very familiar with emotions. She only knows that when I watch Downton Abbey she should leave the room so she doesn't have to witness my tears.

But I digress. Things are happening in Miss Meoww's fabulous life. Fame, wedding planning, vacations. So many things! Where shall we start?

Fame

Well, near-fame, to be more accurate. Her dearest Justin lovingly submitted her to a show called My Cat From Hell. Are you familiar? The title tells all. Hilariously enough, he got a call back and we were told to start filming her bad behavior immediately and submit as much footage as possible.

Jmeoww Consuela Gee. For your consideration.

I AM SERIOUS. We were going to be so TV famous! But something happened. Something confusing, but something very good.

She stopped being a complete asshole.

I swear on this blog that the night after the casting woman called Justin and we were poised and ready to film, she slept on the bar stool THE ENTIRE NIGHT. No whining for playtime during dinner. No biting of my feet under the dinner table. Not one ounce of blood was shed. HOW DISAPPOINTING IS THAT?

We knew, we just knew, that when she returned from her "vacation" we would have our old jmeoww back.

"Vacation"?

Well, kind of a vacation. As you may have seen through the social medias, our apartment was tented and fumigated for termites last week. OUR VERY OWN CIRCUS. Without all of the fun and child molesters. We made the painstaking decision to board jmeoww at her vet clinic, rather than keep her in the vacant apartment we would be staying in.

This was really our apartment. We are not Lakers fans, at all.

I. Was. Heartbroken. My poor little creature, all by herself in some sort of cage. Probably pooping herself, like she always does. And although we spent two restless nights on an air mattress that we had to wake up and fill every two hours because she had punctured it with her vicious claws, we missed our meow!

We were fully prepared to deal with severe boarding PTSD upon her return and planned to stay home so that we could sit and hold her paws while she recovered.

And then. And then she gave us another miracle from baby jesus on high.

SHE WAS FINE YOU GUYS! Okay, so she didn't eat for two days or leave her carrier while boarded, but she didn't try to kill anyone! When she got home we bathed her because we were unclear whether there may have been pants-pooping or not and after about 30 minutes of hiding she came out and was all, HEY GUYS WHAT DID I MISS?

We were shocked, and overjoyed. Okay, still a little peeved that we would NOT be on TV. But she was okay! She was better than okay...she's grown into a woman meow that can handle normal things! (With the exception of loud noises. That shit will never be tolerated.)

It has been nearly a week since her little journey and SHE COULD NOT LOVE ME MORE. There have been moments of extreme hyperactivity but our nights always end with aggressively LOVING cuddles. All up in my neck type of cuddles. I can't even handle it. If I giggle she gets embarrassed and leaves so I just have to sit there and take it while Justin laughs and probably in his head wonders what kind of crazy bitches he is marrying.

So what does this mean? Is this the end of crazy meoww stories? The end of the jmeoww diaries? Time will tell. Maybe once she gets over the relief of being home she will start being murdery again. But for now, my ankles are scratch-free and I am getting to experience what it is like to have an adorably cuddly cat. Even if it occurs at inopportune bedtime moments and lasts for 5 minutes or less. Totally worth it.

how not to plan a wedding v.1

Here we are, one week engaged and I am already in trouble. Because I am already searching venues, naturally, and even though we don't even have a date WHAT IF ALL OF THE VENUES ARE BOOKED FOREVER? These are the things I worry about. Irrational anxiety girl, at your service.

Rather than get explicit with details, please review this conversation/episode Justin & I had.

T: And not to keep talking about the wedding, but I found another venue I'm realllllly excited about.

J: Yea? Where?

T: It's this really swanky hotel on El Cajon Blvd...

J: NO. We are NOT getting married on El Cajon Blvd.

T: BUT THE HOTEL IS BEAUTIFUL AND THEY JUST REMODELED. Here, let me find some pictures....

He won. This time.

soon to be mrs. tiff dee

Did you hear the news?

KIM & KANYE ARE HAVING A GIRL. I know, I know. That is exactly what you all came here to read about today. You are so welcome.

Oh, right. JUSTIN PROPOSED TO ME.

And I said, "Yes." OF COURSE I DID.

Even as I try to type this out right now I really could never do this all justice. The amount of love and happiness we feel is incomparable. Also, maybe I'm a little hungover. SO MUCH CELEBRATING.

I knew he had something planned yesterday, I just didn't know what. And never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up on a marathon-traffic-filled scavenger hunt throughout San Diego to some of the most important monuments to our love. Only to end up where it all started on that fateful December night in which I crashed his company's Christmas party. Obviously by the time I found him waiting for me at the Rancho Bernardo Inn, I knew what was coming. We had a little walk filled with awkward small talk to the exact spot where we met, only to be interrupted by me having to pee. Classy, I know. Once that was taken care of he got down on one knee and even said please. SO POLITE. It was perfectly sweet and romantic. He put so much thought into the entire day and my heart is so incredibly full.

Yes, I had some influence on that ring. MY PRECIOUS. That is a story for another day. And besides a secret pin board I may have started and some venue browsing, we don't have a damn thing planned. Maybe a year-and-a-halfish timeline? Maybe I'll convince him to marry me in Vegas this summer? As long as we don't invite Lord Walder Frey to our wedding, all will be well.