Ladies Can Do Stuff Now

Greetings Polka Dotted Cats! Tiff's been on me (seriously, like on me) for a few months to give her another guest post, because let's face it - my posts have bigger brains. It's science. So after turning her down just enough times that she appreciates me even more I've decided to pause my jazz flute sessions long enough to compose something for all you loyal PDC'ers. Read on and let your brain weep in ecstasy at the divine order I've chosen for these words.

Ultimately the first question I asked myself about writing more for her was: what do I have to say to a bunch of women that would be interesting to them? Then I remembered that the times are changing and ladies can do stuff now. So I now sit here in my bright orange robe drinking scotch to write out some random thoughts that will be of interest to you. Because YOU MISS MY MUSK. Scotchy scotch scotch.

Me being sexy.

Anyways, here is my master plan. I've been trying unsuccessfully to convince Tiffany to do one of two things (get your mind out of the gutter, ladies). One - stand-up comedy. Do any of you know this woman in person? Her story delivery, expressions and mannerisms are just plain hilarious. She probably has a fear of speaking in front of large crowds, mostly I would guess because Jmeoww probably has that fear and they share a brain when it comes to most neuroticisms, but we could work past that. Maybe some cheese would help.

Number two - write a book. This one is self explanatory. Her stuff is funny. By and large she uses correct grammar and punctuation. So why not begin to corral it all into a legible manuscript? I've tried bribing her with promises of trips to Pleasure Town and doing her on a rainbow, but she's still just focused on blogging.

All this could have been hers.

Come to think of it, it's probably all your faults... Yeah, yeah, what the hell people? Stop being such an encouraging community and tell her to go write a book! I'm seventy-two percent sure she'd succeed. And seventy-two percent of the time she'd succeed one-hundred percent of the time. You couldn't ask for better odds.

So let's all stop thinking of our own personal daily reading needs. In fact, for one night, let's not be bloggers. Let's be people. Now drink in my formidable scent and get lost in some jazz flute.

(If you like the order of these words, I have many other words in different sequences available to be viewed at Pixelated Trip. So stop by! I'll give you little cookies an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance.)

the jmeoww diaries v.8

Fans of the beloved queen beast, welcome to our story of the month — stories, if you will. March was a challenging month for our dear JMEOWW. And although not as traumatic as going to the vet she did have some hurdles, the first being abandonment.

Jmeoww is not the type of cat that you can leave for a day or two and not worry about it. She is the opposite of everything you've ever heard about cats due to her severe abandonment issues stemming from her rough kittenhood. So when Justin and I took our 6-day vacation a few weeks ago, we enlisted my little sister to be our meowwsitter. She reluctantly agreed. She was jmeoww's original auntie, and then she went and got a meoww of her own. And now they do things like this together...

The only Harlem Shake I would ever MAKE you watch.

We thought that having Brittany check in on jmeoww would make it a lot easier for us when we returned. She wouldn't be so needy, we thought. She will adjust just fine, we proclaimed. When we walked through the door late Friday night we heard the loudest meows you would ever hear in your life. She ran laps. She meow-screamed. She ran in and out on the patio. And OMG HAVE YOU SEEN THE BIRD POOP OUTSIDE COME LOOK AT IT!

Jmeoww didn't sleep for almost two days, you guys. She meowed. She ran in circles. She lurked. She did everything but sleep. If she went to sleep, we would leave again. She just knew it. So she stayed awake. She yawned and head-nodded her little heart away but she kept her vigil. For nearly two days.

"You still have things in your travel box. I SHALL HELP."

When she did decide to sleep, she decided it was time to share the bed with us again. Two tall-ass adults that had spent a week in luxurious king beds were now sharing a queen bed with a fatass cat. Cute, yes. Comfortable, never. But do not under any circumstances try to move her or adjust your own self. THIS IS HOW IT MUST BE FROM NOW ON, HUMANS.

And if the pure shock and excitement of us coming home wasn't enough, fucking Iams changed the shape of her food again. Which she alerted us to several times. Yes, we see it. Yes, we are so sorry. Yes, I will write them a strongly worded email tomorrow. Yes, you can proofread it. Yes, you should definitely bring the kibbles over to the carpet and eat them so we can all see that you've accepted the shape change.

The final challenge that March served Jmeoww was daylight savings. Among her many skills, she has the unique ability of being an alarm clock. When she hears my alarm go off, if I am not out of bed by the next snooze she comes and meows in my face. It is charming, it really is. Well, her internal meow clock did not set itself ahead an hour so she was coming in at 6 a.m. meowing like there was some sort of emergency and she was probably saving the day. Not quite my darling animal. Go the fuck to sleep.

One of those morning when she came in too early to get me out of bed, a series of ill-timed events led to vaginal trauma that I have not emotionally recovered from. She was walking, ever so daintily on me and then over to Justin. She brushed his arm with her fur, which startled him in his sleep and he whacked her, scaring her and flinging her into the air. Where did she land? In my crotch, claws out leaving a nice puncture wound behind. She has scratched me in many places, but this was a first for sure.

We have all mostly recovered, just in time for another trip to the vet in two weeks (with sedatives this time...for all of us!). Jmeoww's life, you guys? Hard knock, indeed.

People of the Gym: Part 2

Remember our dear Jim? I saw him last week at the gym and remembered my mission in life. And then ran out the door giggling and making the there he is face at Justin who is reeeeeealllllly bad at secret talk like that. He was all, WHO? WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? So discreet, that guy.

My new favorite gym treasure turned out to be a unicorn. I only saw him once and I'm not sure I will ever get over it. Guys, he was my imaginary best friend. I wanted so badly to do Zumba with him and compare hip measurements and weight loss secrets even though I only saw him for a brief but meaningful 32 seconds of my life.

We shall call him Meev — a combination of Max & Nev. Meev was the ultimate gym hipster — gypster (I'm not sure that isn't racist but I was on a kick of combining things...). What was he wearing you ask? Perfection. Short, SHORT gym shorts, probably from American Apparel nonetheless, to show off his slender legs, a thin v-neck t-shirt for optimal ventilation, and a cardigan. What? YES. A freaking sweater. To the gym. Because Meev doesn't follow standard conventions, you guys. Meev does what Meev wants.

As I was running on the treadmill and spotted this hipster angel sent from above, I immediately looked around to see if anyone else noticed him. Justin was in front of me so I couldn't get his attention but that was fine because he would've been all WHAT SWEATER WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. No one, not even the elderly asian woman in newspaper-ish print leggings and also gloves noticed this rare treasure. No one even blinked. And then I wondered if I was the one that was in the wrong because why am I not dressed in something special for my workout?

Like this. This is my new gym outfit. WITH FLAIR.

Meev was going to a class, but because the goddamned schedule on the wall was out of date I didn't know which class it was or how I could stalk him down in the future. In my mind it was Zumba or bellydancing. And that he was the instructor. Because life doesn't get more perfect than that.

f{b}otw

You know what is worse that your first week back at work after a vacation? And then going to the dentist twice in that same week? Nothing. Now get me a beer.

Let's wrap up this week, yea?

Everything happens for a reason, yes. And that reason is that you did something else to cause it to happen so the profoundness is lost. 

Erin will tell you the rest while I continue my slow clap for this post.

Have you ever ordered a grande at a normal-ass coffee cart and gotten a dirty look in return? Lisette tells us why and teaches us other hilarious coffeshop etiquette.

My ever so loving boyfriend fills in the blanks for this event. Dusty follows up talking about her crotch AGAIN, making me thankful I didn't take ANY pictures that afternoon.

Guys. I pissed off some tampon peddlers. They say there is a delivery box for everyone, and The Period Store is the delivery box for those who cannot possibly function enough during their montly to make it to the store. If there was ever a concept that promoted laziness and women's weakness, this is it. And OF COURSE 7-11 can't deliver slurpees because they would melt. Obviously.

Cheers to the weekend friends!

the vacation, part 2: solvang and the time I ruined vacation.

Our next and final destination would be Solvang, but of course we made some tourist stops along the way. If you'd like to skip past the touristy stuff to the shitshow, please scroll down. I won't be offended.

Harmony — Please tell me you read/said that in your Anna Faris voice. With a population of 18, this town is a treasure.

Cayucos — A totally foggy and quiet beach city most famous for their brown butter cookies.

San Luis Obispo  — We made a quick stop for lunch and a tour of the one place I've wanted to stop more than any other my entire life, The Madonna Inn. I didn't take many pictures because I was too busy being mystified. You know who has some great pictures? Michelle. Go look.

Los Alamos — Another small town, surprise! Our drive for the day was rather short so we decided to start stopping at wineries. You know, being in wine country and all. Seriously, everything north of Los Angeles is wine country. Also known as heaven. Yelp led the way to Bedford Winery, a darling little place in a Nicholas Sparksian town. Somewhere between there and Solvang was Firestone Vineyards, the second and last stop of the day that set me over the edge. WHAT AN AMATEUR. I should've taken this as a sign...

And finally, we reached Solvang! If you live in California and you haven't been to this little jewel of a town, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Michelle happens to have a great post about it too (sorry for being such a stealer!). This Danish little town was a childhood staple, and although everything closes early (8-9 p.m.), it has so much to offer during the day.

Hotel — Kronborg Inn. We were both a little worried what this place would be like because the rate was relatively low for the area, but the room was amazing. Totally roomy, and best of all it had a jacuzzi tub! You bet your ass I drank some of our new wine in that tub the first night.

Foods —  Breakfast is the shit in this town. Danish pancakes and ebelskivers will change your life. We went to Paula's Pancake House (to die for) & The Red Viking (not bad, but smelled terrible). The first night we had dinner at Solvang Brewing Company and while the beer was marvelous, the food was meh. The second night, we didn't really have dinner...we will get there...

Attractions — Beyond bopping around town to the shops, some short drives will take you to amazing scenery and roadside attractions — Ostrichland USA (only slightly terrifying), Quicksilver Ranch (mini horses!), and the former home of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch (which I INSISTED we drive by even though it is way out in the boonies and you can't see a damn thing).

And then, WINE. So. Rather than take a bus tour of wineries, we opted for a DIY wine tour. Which Solvang could not be more perfect for. Many of the local vineyards have their wine tasting rooms in town...IN TOWN. Walking distance from our hotel. SO EASY, right? Right. Rigggggght.

Here is what went down:
Blackjack Ranch Vineyards (made famous by Sideways! Omg enough ...). But really, you can taste the price. Divine.
Presidio Winery where the wine-pourer gave us extra tastes because he loved Justin.
Sort This Out Cellars was my favorite not only because I can remember it, but also because it was a had a really unique rockabilly/vintage flair.
Carvintas won my heart because they combine wine with animal philanthropy.

And then it starts getting blurry. We remembered that we hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, so we went to the other edge of town and had quesadillas. Quesadillas and also beer. Then we stumbled into Viking Garden Cellars because I had a coup for a free cheese tray and I really wanted cheese. I couldn't even tell you what we tasted. Wine. More wine. And then I wanted another beer, so let's taste some of these beers!

Along the way to the what would be our last stop, we went into the Hans Christian Andersen Museum. Which was a library/museum/drunk people don't belong in here type of place. And because Solvang is basically a memorial to HCA, I sang the HCA song (which I mostly made up...) all throughout town, naturally.

The Good Life was our last stop and I remember choosing beer tasting over wine. I remember telling the guy not to serve me San Diego beers because I would not be impressed, like a total asshole. And I remember asking if the were on twitter SO I COULD TWEET THEM BECAUSE I TWEET AND BLOG. Oh my god. I did all of these things in public.

What I don't remember is how I got back to the hotel, took my clothes off, sang Hans Christian Andersen and then proceeded to regurgitate all of the liquids I had been drinking for the past 5 hours. What I do remember is Justin sitting on the bathroom floor next to me trying to get my head out of the toilet, which I refused to do. Because I was too busy sobbing. Not weeping. SOBBING. And apologizing for ruining vacation. And telling him not to break up with me OH MY GOD YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ME AREN'T YOU. In between dry-heaving and wiping tears and snot from my face I was wailing about how I was awful and I ruined vacation.

I don't remember what Justin was doing, but I do remember that he laughed. A lot. And then he put me to bed. At 6 p.m. on the last night of our vacation. So I technically didn't ruin vacation, but Justin has reminded me of how I thought I ruined vacation more than his fair share of times. I GET IT. Next time, there will be more cheese with the wine and this won't even happen.

After a quick stop in LA to visit his brother and sister-in-law, we finally made it home (to the jmeoww, who has her own vacation story to tell...) totally refreshed and only mildly hungover. With the exception of the Tiffany Wine Show on our last night, it was truly a wonderful trip and an excellent way to start my third decade.

the vacation, part one: monterey, highway 1 & cambria.

The morning after that fabulous party that was held in my honor, we left for a fabulous vacation. Not as smoothly as that sounds, of course. Someone forgot to set the time back for daylight savings on the alarm clock and someone else was incredibly hungover and could barely put on sweatpants. And someone else was in full panic mode because we brought home REALLY SCARY BALLOONS from the party and she wouldn't leave the bedroom even after Justin popped them. It was quite the morning.

The 7.5 hour drive up to Monterey was largely uneventful. How did you not kill each other?!? Well, we enjoy each other's company, SURPRISING I KNOW. Even when I am pointing out everything on the side of the road like a goddamned tour guide and jabbering on about the gorgeous blooming cherry trees.

We did realize as we were deep in farmland CA that I either a.) can't read or b.) can't see. Or both. As we passed a sign that said FRESH FRUIT: PIES & FUDGE (which are not even fruit by the way so what the fuck), I proclaimed, "FIGS? Who the fuck would stop for figs?" And then later when we passed a sign for Lightfighter Road my blindass yelled, "Who the hell would fight a lamp?" Which led Justin to believe that I caused considerable brain damage at my party the night before.

And this is where I give you the Monterey summary, as to avoid this becoming a novel about my vacation.

Hotel — Best Western Plus Beach Resort. Right on the sand and totally relaxing. The dinner we had there was one of my favorites of the trip (which included the World's best artichokes from Castroville, CA!).

Attractions — Lover's Point Park & Monterey Bay Aquarium.

Foods — Old Monterey Cafe (fantastic!) and Cannery Row Brewing Co. (not bad, but a total twatty bartender).

And then we were on our merry way to Cambria, which required a drive down Route 1 (aka the coast highway). I knew it would be beautiful, and oh it so was. What I wasn't prepared for was how damn treacherous it was. Justin was in heaven. I was sweating, swearing, and clutching the door handle for dear life, like it would actually save my life should we go over the edge.

The thing is, if I don't understand how it was built, I do not like it. Who built these roads, and how? The bridges? DOES NOT COMPUTE. But it was truly amazing and I even spotted some whales (well at least their blow — shut up that is the proper term for it, not spout).

After two hours of sheer terror we reached Cambria — the sleepiest town on the west coast (seriously, everything closes at 8 p.m.).

Hotel — Mariner's Inn. Newly renovated and a perfect beachy, rustic room. They also gave us a bottle of wine when we checked in, which is totally the way to my heart.

Attractions — Moonstone Beach, Fermentations (for wine-tasting), one million antique stores (which I developed an irrational fear of) and Cambria Beer Co. The beer tasting was by far one of the highlights of the town. We met a "regular" and exchanged life stories, and we met the "mayor" who is not a real mayor because they are not incorporated so she became mayor by winning fundraisers. My new goal is to move there and claim mayorhood.

Foods — JBJ's Round-up Pizza & Grub (the only thing that was open when we arrived...but a great birthday meal!), Linn's Restaurant (a Cambria staple) and Cambria Pub & Steakhouse.

Although a quiet town with not much to do other than walk along the beach and browse the local shops, we loved it. I loved it as a child and I love it even more now. It has always been a special place to me and I can definitely see us returning many, many times and then properly fitting in with all of the adorable gray-hairs that were vacationing along with us.

Stay tuned for the vacation, part 2: the time I ruined vacation. Shit gets real.

the party.

Oh, hi there! Remember me? I went on vacation and never wanted to come back. But, I did. And I have many stories to tell. The first of which you may have already heard from Leeann or Kathrin. I had a little birthday and my family threw me a little party. 

But really...I turned 30 and my family and friends threw me an amazing fucking party and filled my heart so much.

The party was held at 98 Bottles in Little Italy, San Diego (California, United States of America). What a great venue full of great beer. So much great beer that I don't remember a lot of details from the party. 

A few things I do remember...

• My sister created a kick-ass little photobooth situation that we all died over.
• My dearest friend Emily & her fiance DROVE from SEATTLE to come to the party. They DROVE 18 hours. The thought still makes me cry.
• Justin's mom met my family and no one died or started a fire. Success.
• Justin made a speech that everyone thought was going to be a proposal (AGAIN), including my dad. And it was sweet and wonderful and hilarious and people caught incredible pictures of this moment that I will laugh over forever.

I am forever grateful to have had such an amazing party with such wonderful people. And thank YOU all for the birthday wishes and love you have sent my way. It's long past, but I still feel the love. SO MUCH FEELINGS.

That's all I can muster up for today. Stay tuned for vacation recaps and the time I thought I ruined our vacation. Such a treat.

Romy & Michele's Flashback

Hey PCD readers!! I'm Kat and I blog over at Shop.School.Sleep. While our hilarious friend Tiffany is off celebrating her big 3-0, I'm filling in for her here on her little ol' blog. Hope I can keep you entertained with stories of Tiffany and me in our younger years.

Tiffany and I (and Leeann of Join the Gossip) met in junior high...we hit it off pretty quickly. I think it was our fashion taste :) See we went to a fundamental school (or public-private school as I like to call it) and had a strict dress code. We had to play around with our "fashion" as much as we could without getting sent home....hence our need to wear plastic skirts and pants....oh wait that was just me...anyways we became friends over our rivalry friendly quest of "Best Dressed" yearbook. We even traveled to Washington DC together our 8th grade year. Our younger sisters (the twins and my sister Hillary) were in the same grade and became friends too!! High school gave us more chances to bond as we played volleyball together and did the usual high school activities. Once we got into college, with Tiff in San Diego and me in Fullerton, we lost touch...kind of... thanks to Myspace and later Facebook. We reunited the summer of our 10th year
reunion from graduating high school and it's been fun continuing our friendship into adulthood :)

So let me explain the title of the post before I show you the pics of us....Freshman year of high school (right? 1997? dang!!) the thing to do Friday nights was go to the movies. Tiffany and I made a date to see the "it fashion" movie of the time, Romy & Michele's High School Reunion!!

via

That movie was corny, but so COOL at the time!! After the movie we decided....I don't know why...but we were like the main characters...I was Romy and Tiffany was Michele (right?) That Monday at school our
big joke was we invented post-its.... It gets better and NO, I don't have picture proof!! At one of the many sleepovers we had (because that was the 2nd best thing to do...have a giant sleepover and go TP a boy's
house) we tried to copy the dance sequence for "Time after Time" in the movie!! Along with making our own Spice Girl music videos, right Trixie Firecracker?! hahaha!!

Sad thing is we didn't have easy access to cameras as kids do today, so I don't have too many pictures of young Romy and Michele us but I did try to find some goodies for you guys reading!! I also clearly have a long memory of stories, but pictures say it better!! **Disclaimer: all pictures are out of order and I'm lazy didn't know how to do the fancy circles and writing on the pics...it will be a "find Waldo"-like feel to some pictures :) Enjoy!!

Our sophomore field trip to
the LA Zoo

Freshman year before Leeann
and Tiffany moved up to Varsity and left me on JV alone!!

This is sophomore year at the
Zoo...I think or Senior year at Senior retreat in the mountains

7th grade...our beginnings :)

8th grade Washington DC
trip

Junior year the day of our
annual Seniors Vs. Juniors football powder puff game

I'm pretty sure this is at Six
Flags for our friend's bday...but it could be the zoo again

Freshman year at one of our
Volleyball tournaments....there's Leeann too!!

7th grade for our Yearbook
picture....we were suppose to look serious

Last day of school 7th grade

There you have it!! Us as little teenagers :) I hope you enjoyed my blast from the past :) I think we all hope Tiff is having a wonderful time, but that she comes home quickly to share her hilarious stories of JmeowW (who isn't as bad in person...at least not when I met her!!) I seriously have to stop reading Tiffany's blog when I'm at work because I literally starting laughing out loud and my students all look at me all weird!! 

The Cynthia to my Phaedra

While Tiffany is off celebrating her birth week, I'm here filling in for her. My name is Leeann and I blog over at Join the Gossip. Why is that important? Because I'd like to think I'm the reason Tiffany blogs. I've been bullying her for years to start her own blog and I finally wore her down several months ago. So, essentially, her posts and your entertainment are all thanks to me. You're welcome ;)

So let's take it back to when Tiffany and I met. We were in junior high and part of the "Fashion Police" group, as we were called. And while we may have bonded over a matching plastic jacket that we both had (it was cool at the time, OK?!), we aren't exactly the most normal pairing.

In fact, we don't even look normal standing next to each other! Exhibit A:

Let me count the ways we are opposites...


She's super tall, and I'm pretty short.

She's brunette, I'm blonde.

She wears heels, I wear flats.

She likes cats, I like dogs.

She plays blackjack, I play roulette.

She's all ass, I'm all tits.

She drinks whiskey, I drink vodka.

She like slow emotional music, I like fast and loud music.

Despite all of our differences, opposites attract. She's my heterosexual Life Partner and I'm lucky to have had such an incredible friend in my life for so long!

30.

Well. Today is the day. And to commemorate this day, I would like to share with you a special poem that my dearest friend Michelle wrote for me last year. That's right, Grams. I saved it.

You're turning thirty, but not till next year,

But please don't worry, there's nothing to fear.

You'll still look hot, especially your ass

Every boy you see will still make a pass.

Your boobs won't be saggy, you're not forty two,

Is that when they sag? I haven't a clue.

Have fun in Vegas, it's a hot mess

And please don't forget a white wedding dress.

Isn't she the best?

Next week I will have epic party and vacation stories for you. This week two of my oldest and bestest friends are filling in for me.

Leeann of Join the Gossip

and

Kathrin of Shop.School.Sleep

I've known these broads since 7th grade, so prepare yourself for awkward Tiffany photos featuring that time I had "The Rachel." That was real life. Thanks for letting me make my own fashion & beauty choices in 7th grade, mom.

I will return to blogville next week. Stay classy!

f{blank}otw

Hello, and thank you for joining me on the conclusion of THE LONGEST WORK WEEK EVER. I know this happens to all of us — when there is something to look forward to, we turn into a 4 year-old child screaming in the back of a van in peepants, "ARE WE THERE YET?" Hell yea we are, peepants child. We are at Friday.

You will see I was a bit indecisive this week. Call it pre-birthday-party-and-vacation-deficit-disorder. Or call it I've had two glasses of wine every night this week because it was my birthday week. Anywho. Let's get to it. My favorite blogger-related things of the week!

 Helene tells us what our nails say about us. BRILLIANTLY.

My dearest friend Traci gifted me an amazing caviar manicure set that I will be testing out tonight. If you hear loud swears, know it was definitely me trying to even paint my own nails, let alone decorate them.

Brhea enjoys "The Middle."

"I feel constant pressure to hurry up and get to the next stage in our lives." Yes, yes, and more yes. Thank you, Brhea.

Tuesday's post taught me that I am not alone in my quest to properly learn left from right. It also taught me that we all struggle to remain positive sometimes, and Michelle has some clever ways of encouraging herself. Also, do yourself a favor and watch some Kid President videos. Hilarious.

And finally, tweets of the week. Twotw, if you will. One of my favorite hoochies and amazing jewelry designer, Dana of Bloom and Inspire tweeted me to tell me I was the most proficient tweeters she knows. Well, heck yes I am. I love instant gossip and entertainment. And I also want to win some of her fabulous new jewelry (winky face!).  

Homegirl Staci had me rolling with this tweet about how Taylor Swift continues to become the most unbearable human in our existence, aka Hathaway 2.0. 

And just because they ended up on top of each other in my favorites feed, I kept these blog besties together. How much does Samm nail it on the head? And Shannon continues to tell the story of my life.

And there we have it, guys. And by now it is Saturday, right?

Is it vacation yet?

Birthdays! Vacations! Is there anything else spectacular for me to talk about this week? Should we share opinions on the papal conclave?

Nahhh. Let's plan my vacation, yea? 

So the day after my birthday party, which was probably poor planning, we are embarking on a road trip up the California coast. Which is also poor planning because I yell at Justin when he drives, even though he does absolutely nothing wrong.

We are driving straight up to Monterey (so I can go to the aquarium, which I have never been which is blasphemy according to my marine biology degree), and then working our way back down throughout the week. As a psychotic planner, I have naturally googled every possible thing to do along the way which includes wine, wine, and more wine. I do not object.

What I'm most excited about so far is Ostrichland USA. Why? OBVIOUSLY they are my other soul animal. Even though you hate birds, Tiffany? Yes, because they are not birds they are dinosaurs. Obviously.

You know what other kind of amazing animal farm exists in this region? MINIATURE HORSES. And I might just buy one and get it a tiny saddle so that jmeoww can ride it around our apartment. Obviously.

And then my search stopped there because I spiraled into searching for tiny cowboy hats. So, I ask for advice. Besides these three amazing and animal-centered activities, and also wine, what else should we see along our Central California Coast journey? Some of you have already given me fantastic recommendations, and for that I praise you. Is there anything else that we absolutely cannot miss on this journey?

You in first place.

Something is going on with my music choices. Meaning, shit got ghetto. Real ghetto. Meaning, this song has been on repeat even though it has nothing to do with my life and I don't really want to be buried in the booty club. I might win a bad bitch contest though. That could actually happen.

While I'd like to state that I'd like nothing more for my birthday than peace in the blog world and stricter gun laws, we all know that isn't ever entirely true. I like things. Pretty things. 

You know, in my 29.975 years on this planet I still haven't mastered the light scarf. I'm setting my goals really high this year, guys. Thirty is the year of the light scarf.

These things I've learned.

With my 30th birthday on the horizon (are you sick of hearing about it yet?), I've been thinking about posting something profound and hopefully quite wisdomous. Wisdomous is a word, trust. But I would feel like such an asshole spouting off wisdom that I don't even follow. And, I realized I don't like talking about myself THAT much. I like telling stories, but like a laundry list of Tiffany wisdoms? As amazing as that sounds, I'm already sick of hearing myself.

So I will leave it at this - I am going give you some cliff notes on things I have done/learned in my life that have shaped the 30 year old woman that I am. And a few things I need to work on, just to keep it fair-and-balanced, you know? Let's do this shit.

THINGS I HAVE DONE/LEARNED

• Daily drama & crisises, while entertaining, help no one. I have made a conscious effort to be more positive and stop bitching about every single little thing in my life. Am I 100% positive? Nope. But in the past 5 years I have gotten SO much better at looking at the bigger picture and not letting little details get to me.

• I will always be judgmental. I can't help it. And if you are going to wear 6-inch stilettos to work and then you can't walk in them you deserve my judgement. 

• If you are unhappy and unfulfilled in a relationship, end it. It will be awkward and awful and you will feel like the worst person in the entire world. That will all pass. But you can't force happiness and fulfillment. You just can't. I ended a 5+ year relationship much to the shock of my family and friends and I have never regretted it and never looked back. Making yourself happy and complete will always be #1 in my book.
• Footnote: And if you should perhaps leave an unfulfilling and awful relationship, please read Eat, Pray, Love. GUYS IT REALLY HELPED ME. Learning to let go was the most important lesson of my life.

• Single ladies...LIVE ALONE. At some point in your life, ditch the roommates. Suffer financially. Decorate the shit out of your apartment. Eat dinner in you underwear. Sleep naked. Pass out drunk in your bathroom and cover up with the rug. No one will ever know. You will really discover who you are, who your friends are, and what is important to you.

• You will know when you find your other half. You will. If you can honestly not find one single thing wrong with a person, besides their shoes, then they are truly your perfect fit. And when you find that person, don't let them go. Fight your hardest fight. Have no shame. Because when it works, you will never regret the sobbing and mildly drunk phone call which sealed the deal and also solved the problem of the ugly shoes. It is so worth it, you guys.

• And speaking of having no shame, lighten the fuck up, you know? One of my favorite (probably made-up) words from a book is erleichda - and it literally means "lighten up." Laugh at yourself. Relax. But don't relax to the point of farting in front of your significant other. That shit is UNACCEPTABLE. 

• Not all cats are self-reliant. Some are special-needs. Really special-needs.

THINGS I STILL NEED TO WORK ON.

• Learning the difference between left and right.

• Saving money and sticking to a budget.

• Setting boundaries. BIG TIME. And then sticking to them. BIG TIME.

• Not getting caught up in other people's drama. Not my bid'ness.

• My fitness. I'm getting better at it, and I like it! I just really need to stick with it. Like, forever.

• Not loving beer so much. Or whiskey. 

• My television viewing choices. Or do I.

And now that I'm through this I still feel like a total asshole. Because who I am to tell you how to live your life? I didn't even have hair until I was four, so why should you listen to me? Because I am happy. I am turning 30 and I can honestly say that I am happy. And once I finally distinguish between left and right, I feel like I might really have a chance in this world.

f{b}otw

What a week, right? A few parts crazy combined with many unnecessarily long days. Most likely because I have a vacation on the horizon. Thanks so much for slowing down, time. Luckily, the blogworld provides endless entertainment. Here are my shmaves from this week.

 Michelle's eventful trip to Ikea

Because, I mean, haven't we all secretly wanted to have this moment?

 Every single comment that y'all left for me on Tuesday's post. My heart can't even handle that level of love. Thank you, from the bottom of my cold, mildly-evil heart.

GUYS. Back-to-back tweets from sort-of famous people! All thanks to my fangirling over The Face, which if you aren't watching that I don't even know you any more. I replied to my favorite fashion bloggers of all time, The Fug Girls of Go Fug Yourself and THEY REPLIED BACK TO ME! And then. THEN. One of the models from The Face, Devyn, who pretty much could win the entire show sent me some love. All of this thanks to Naomi Campbell. 

So, I know I'm supposed to share the twitter love but I couldn't help but brag for a brief moment. ME TIME. 

What were your favorite blogging moments of the week?

Cheers to the weekend!