Who wants an iPad mini?

Hi Wittle Kitty-Ittles...my name is Alissa and I take care of things over at Graceless Lady. Tiff Gee asked me to do a guest post for her, and since she spends her days talking me off a ledge, I couldn't say no.

One of my finest moments.

I'm here today to give you some advice about blogging. I know, I know, I should be charging you peasants for this, but I'm feeling nice, so here it goes.

1. To gain followers, you must host giveaways.

Bitches love free shit! I don't know where some of these girls get their giveaway prizes from, but if you can secure an iPad or iPad mini, I can assure you, people will go crazy over it. Here's the catch - don't expect any of these new followers to care enough to stick around for non-giveaway posts. Ain't nobody got time for that!

2. Charge people for everything.

From this moment on, do not tweet/retweet/follow anyone on Twitter without charging them at least $5 first. If anyone asks if it's okay to mention you in one of their posts, make sure you're receiving royalties for every page view. In fact, if you can figure out a way to charge people in order to be able to view your blog, you could make hundreds.

3. Have an Army of Skanks.

It gets pretty rough out there in Blogland, so make sure you have a few girls who will defend you no matter what. Faithful skanks are easy to identify. They are the girls who will email you right away if they find a post that might be about you. Then, once you comment on said post, they will follow up with an, "Amen!" But be careful - you don't want anyone trying to take your place as Queen Bee.


Well, kiddles, I hope you know that I'm kidding with you. Please don't do anything that I mentioned, especially charge people for (or pay for!) blog advice. None of us went to college and majored in blogging, therefore none of us should be paid to tell you that being yourself is the best way to go.

Also, here's a thought - learn HTML. It's really not that difficult and if you spend a few minutes on Google, you will find bloggers who teach you how to design blogs FOR FREE. Or, if you're really that lazy, email me and I'll send you the links to the sites I've used.

Tiff, thanks for letting me take over for the day. You owe me $75

Ladies Can Do Stuff Now

Greetings Polka Dotted Cats! Tiff's been on me (seriously, like on me) for a few months to give her another guest post, because let's face it - my posts have bigger brains. It's science. So after turning her down just enough times that she appreciates me even more I've decided to pause my jazz flute sessions long enough to compose something for all you loyal PDC'ers. Read on and let your brain weep in ecstasy at the divine order I've chosen for these words.

Ultimately the first question I asked myself about writing more for her was: what do I have to say to a bunch of women that would be interesting to them? Then I remembered that the times are changing and ladies can do stuff now. So I now sit here in my bright orange robe drinking scotch to write out some random thoughts that will be of interest to you. Because YOU MISS MY MUSK. Scotchy scotch scotch.

Me being sexy.

Anyways, here is my master plan. I've been trying unsuccessfully to convince Tiffany to do one of two things (get your mind out of the gutter, ladies). One - stand-up comedy. Do any of you know this woman in person? Her story delivery, expressions and mannerisms are just plain hilarious. She probably has a fear of speaking in front of large crowds, mostly I would guess because Jmeoww probably has that fear and they share a brain when it comes to most neuroticisms, but we could work past that. Maybe some cheese would help.

Number two - write a book. This one is self explanatory. Her stuff is funny. By and large she uses correct grammar and punctuation. So why not begin to corral it all into a legible manuscript? I've tried bribing her with promises of trips to Pleasure Town and doing her on a rainbow, but she's still just focused on blogging.

All this could have been hers.

Come to think of it, it's probably all your faults... Yeah, yeah, what the hell people? Stop being such an encouraging community and tell her to go write a book! I'm seventy-two percent sure she'd succeed. And seventy-two percent of the time she'd succeed one-hundred percent of the time. You couldn't ask for better odds.

So let's all stop thinking of our own personal daily reading needs. In fact, for one night, let's not be bloggers. Let's be people. Now drink in my formidable scent and get lost in some jazz flute.

(If you like the order of these words, I have many other words in different sequences available to be viewed at Pixelated Trip. So stop by! I'll give you little cookies an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance.)

The Cynthia to my Phaedra

While Tiffany is off celebrating her birth week, I'm here filling in for her. My name is Leeann and I blog over at Join the Gossip. Why is that important? Because I'd like to think I'm the reason Tiffany blogs. I've been bullying her for years to start her own blog and I finally wore her down several months ago. So, essentially, her posts and your entertainment are all thanks to me. You're welcome ;)

So let's take it back to when Tiffany and I met. We were in junior high and part of the "Fashion Police" group, as we were called. And while we may have bonded over a matching plastic jacket that we both had (it was cool at the time, OK?!), we aren't exactly the most normal pairing.

In fact, we don't even look normal standing next to each other! Exhibit A:

Let me count the ways we are opposites...


She's super tall, and I'm pretty short.

She's brunette, I'm blonde.

She wears heels, I wear flats.

She likes cats, I like dogs.

She plays blackjack, I play roulette.

She's all ass, I'm all tits.

She drinks whiskey, I drink vodka.

She like slow emotional music, I like fast and loud music.

Despite all of our differences, opposites attract. She's my heterosexual Life Partner and I'm lucky to have had such an incredible friend in my life for so long!

Meet Cousin Snookie!

I forced my little sister to write a post. Meet her smelly dog, Snookie, aka Cookie, aka poopface. I don't know why but I like picking on this little creature more than anything.

Sister Brooke and her creature.

My sister Tiffany always writes about her crazy cat "Jmeoww" so now it is my turn to tell you about my adorable baby girl, "Snookie." On April 18, 2010 I talked my mom into going to "look" at a yorkie because I've always wanted one and my coworker called me about a lady selling them. I was super excited & I knew i had to get her but i had to find a way of talking my mom into letting me get her because my one my dad would be pissed and two we told my dad we were going to "run errands." When we got to the house to look at the yorkie, we both instantly fell in love. She was adorable and she loved being scratched on her tummy. It wasn't hard talking my mom into getting her because she was so freaking adorable. When we got home i was so nervous to walk into the door because i knew how pissed my dad would get. Well he was but we knew he would get over it, which eventually he got over it because he couldn't help falling in love with the puppy either. Her name when i got her was "Maddie" but I didn't like it so i decided to change it to "Snookie." now you may ask why I decided to name her that but i honestly couldn't tell you. Some people say "oh, you named your dog after jersey shore?" but really that name just came to me.

When i first got her i had the intentions to crate train and train her to be the perfect well behaved dog i have always wanted. That didn't happen. I spoiled her from the beginning and i couldn't stand the horrible crying she did at night from crate training so of course she slept with me. I also never trained her because i didn't put the time or effort in and now she is a complete MONSTER. She barks and growls at you like a big dog would but is such scaredy cat when it comes to interacting with you or other dogs. its quite hilarious. I wouldn't be the same without her. She wakes me up with kisses in the morning. She barks at me if i ignore her or until she gets a walk when she thinks she is getting a walk but really i wasn't planning on it. She is kinda smelly. But not too bad since i shaved her. Best decision ever. She has her certain toys she is crazy about like her cow or lamb chop. Snookie does this one play technique we call "Ferdinan the bull." She goes to the bathroom on the concrete instead of the grass because she is a lazy dog. She has plenty of nicknames and but I mainly call her my poopface or Snook. I could go on and on telling you about her but ill end my story with unforgettable memories i have made with my baby girl:

1. When i first got her, I decided to give her a walk around the block to get her adapted to the leash. I was walking around the block and out of NOWHERE these two mean dogs try to attack my puppy. I instantly freak out and scoop her up in my arms and start running and screaming home. While i was running away, the two mean dogs were still trying to get her by chasing me back to the house. it was so frightening at the time, but when i look back at this time i find myself laughing about it. <--- Tiffany note: This was seriously one of the funniest things I've ever experienced. I'm an asshole.

2. Last summer our family went to Laughlin for the River Regatta. We decided the dogs would be fine left in the house with people checking on them from time to time. That didn't go as planned because my adorable little dog decided to runaway. I feel like she only did this because she was mad at me for leaving her. When we got done with the river regatta my mom checked her phone and she had a voicemail from one of the neighbors informing us that snookie got out. I instantly was a emotional wreck and i wanted to go home. and thats what we did. My dad flew us home that day from Laughlin, not literally but he got us home faster than he has ever did. Everything turned out to be okay and i was just glad to be home with my snookie. In time, tiffany made fun of me saying i acted like Ron Burgundy from Anchorman when he lost his dog Baxter and i legitimately did.

3. I like to take Snookie on hikes with me. She does really well at hikes and sometimes i take her off of the leash. This time we were hiking along the trail and we noticed Snookie wasn't trailing along with us anymore and we look back and she is rolling around like crazy. When we get up to her we realized she had rolled in some sort of animal shit. Well let me tell you that was a fun hike back to the car and car ride home…NOT!

4.  I decided to buy a basket for my beach cruiser to take her to the beach with me. It was a great idea except for the two times Snookie tried committing suicide. You may ask why did she try doing that? i still don't know why but while we were cruising along the boardwalk the retard she is jumps out of the basket. She didn't only do this once, she did it twice. I was in shock when did it so she just hung for a second till i could get myself together and help her. it was quite embarrassing but i think after two times she learned her lesson.

Look how innocent she was!

Queen of the hike!

Snooke being the monster she is. Godzilla.

I'm a Man Who Discovered the Wheel

Hello Polka Dotted Cats Readers! I am Justin. Yes that Justin. For those of you who don't often frequent the PDC, I'm the boyfriend of the beautiful and talented blog owner. Also known as the goofy dude with the five-head who knows a good opportunity to suck up when he sees it.

Me, in my more glamorous single days.

So you may be asking yourself, why am I reading this and not my daily dose of Tiffany? Well, the other day she expressed some fatigue with keeping up with her posting regime this week. Although I suspect foul play courtesy of the devil cat - perhaps some slow poison or something in Tiff's breakfast each day to dull her wits so devil cat can escape - I figured I'd let it slide for now (I'm watching you, Jmeoww) and offered to do a guest post.

After pondering what I could write about that might possibly be of interested to all of you, it occurred to me that it would be difficult to offer up any observations or witticisms that would be well received if you, her dear readers, don't know much about me. With that in mind I decided to put together a brief write-up via the ten questions James Lipton asks his guests on Inside the Actors Studio. Which incidentally are based on the Proust Questionnaire, something I learned five minutes ago when I Wikipedia searched this in an effort to look intelligent.

Anyway, why something so random? Well, among other things, I'm a film geek. (Yes, there are different varieties.) That and it's a fairly easy way to break the ice while still coming across as relatively intellectual. Again with that. I swear I don't have a complex. Are you catching this musk though? That's the smell of desire. ...Ahem. Moving on.

1) What is your favorite word? - Sugar. Wait- beer. Hold on, is this about food? 

2) What is your least favorite word? - "Unfortunately" said slowly in a southern drawl. 

3) What turns you on? - Self-deprecating humor and a killer smile. 

4) What turns you off? - Ignorance, vegetables, and improper use of you're. 

5) What sound or noise do you love? - When Tiffany says "mmm-hmmm". She has this amazing way of sounding more sincere, enthusiastic, and freakin' adorable than anything I've ever heard. 

6) What sound or noise do you hate? - Jmeoww's battle-cries. Just kidding, baby! ...Crunching metal. Like a car crash twisting up metal sound. 

7) What is your favorite curse word? - Goddamnedmotherfucker. It's one word when I say it. 

8) What profession other than your own your own would you like to attempt? - Painter. Like the goatee sporting douche-bag artsy canvas painter (minus the goatee and douche-baggery), not the dude who paints houses. Ask Tiff about my breakfast brainstorm a few weeks ago. I'll be rich I tell you. RICH! 

The type of art I will create.

9) What profession would you not like to do under any circumstances? - Undertaker. Dead guy preparer, not wrestler, which despite my better half's secret love is pretty high up on the no list also. 

10) And lastly, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? - "Don't worry dude, you atheists are actually the only ones who make it up here."

And there you have it! Since I'll never be a famous actor on that show this is the closest I'll get to feeling as if I have an audience learning what my answers are. So thank you, James Lipton, for having me. And for developing your delicious tea. And thank you all, random acting student audience. It's been real. I feel like we all got to know each other really intimately.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just be blasting off in my futuristic jetpack to return to my floating diamond mansion in the sky.

What? That's how they live, right?