12 of 2012

The Twinsies turned 21.

Ran/Walked my first 5k with Leeann & Kathrin 

Visited NOLA with Leeann.

This.

Went to 9 million (six) weddings.

Met one of my heroes.

VEGAS.

Shared some tender moments with the meoww.

Blessed a chipmunk.

Moved in with jmeoww's boyfriend. 

Cleaned & stuffed a turkey. And then washed my hands 87 times.

By far my favorite photo(s) of 2012, marking the end of a dramatic
Nicholas Sparksian story and the beginning of true romance
and cheesy photo captions like this.

A Poem About Me.

I have so many things to say about this.

So. I shamed my mom into actually decorating her tree, rather than put generic ornaments on it like a goddamned heathen. So she dug out this treasure as payback and when I get up there on Christmas Eve it better be front and center.

English was my second choice of major in college, so let's deconstruct this "Poem."

Tiffany likes Tiger-striped cats. This is not false, in fact I had several later in my childhood (several because my older sister kept running them over...on accident...allegedly). Why couldn't I just choose tigers? Because I was gifted.

Italian food is her favorite food. Also true, however the only Italian food I ate at this age was noodles and butter.

Fantasia is her favorite movie. False. But it was probably the only movie I could think of that started with "F."

Fishing is her favorite sport. Was it? Kind of. I used to go along with my dad. Can't say I did any of the actual fishing things, but I still went. Also, unclear whether this is a sport....

Alaska is her favorite state. My favorite state that starts with "A," obviously. It has polar bears. Why wouldn't it be one of my faves?

Nutcracker is her favorite story. I don't even know.

Yucca Valley is her favorite place to go. Because I haven't yet been to Yellowstone, obviously. Or Yugoslavia. Yemen?

In conclusion, I'd really like to know the point of this poetry assignment. To make me out to be such a liar? It certainly wasn't to work on my smizing or the art of the open-mouth smile. But I glued the shit out of that macaroni. I sure did.

Some things will never change.

At the risk of my cousins disowning me, this is happening. And I am peeing myself over it. This post was very much inspired by two of my favorite fashionistas, Michelle & Alissa.

Girls dominated our generation so our mothers took it upon themselves to made sure we matched as much as possible, and that we were as flammable as possible. And Granny had the honor of purchasing our matching dresses each year. I don't know who had the honor of crimping my hair, but I do know who cut my bangs and she will be hearing about this very soon. YES, MOM. I'm talking to YOU. 

I die for those tv trays.

Here is a group shot, with my cousin Jamie dressed like she was in The Crucible. It appears as though we were singing until Jessica had a meltdown. This one is my favorite because you can only see those spectacular bangs of mine. And also because Mandy is still singing. She was always the most committed to our group performances. And I always tried to hide behind her hair.

Matching pajamas were incredibly vital to Christmas eve. And as you can see, as the only boy in our generation, my cousin Jesse had a lot to deal with. But that didn't stop him from sporting a Hulkamania jacket at all times and by ending our group singing performances with the splits.

And because we believe in tradition above anything else, we still sport the matching pajamas on Christmas eve.

And as you can see, of all of the things my mother has taught me cutting my own bangs stuck the most.

A Very Meowwy Christmas.

Welcome, one and all, to a very special holiday edition of The JMEOWW Diaries. Life has been incredibly crazy and overwhelming as of late, so what could be better than some ridiculous cat photos full of holiday cheer?

Cats and Christmas go hand-in-hand. Like bunnies and Easter. Jack and coke. Water and electricity. All my cat ladies out there, you know what I mean. The trees, decorations, wrapping paper, tissue paper, bows, electrical cords. We are creating a winter wonderland for our little furry friends. And while I find it hilarious, it is quite destructive and annoying. This was us last year:

I eventually gave up at just let her occupy the tree and destroy the ornaments. It was too much, and also hilarious. This year she has been much, much better. Probably because she is a fat and too big for our fake tree. Also because since moving in with her boyfriend she has developed some actual manners. She hates to disappoint her Justin, she really does.

Although I miss the giggles that come along with tree destruction, we still have Kousin Khloe to fill that hole in our lives:

And if it wasn't for this, I'm sure my sister would've sold her to the gypsies by meow:

I told you she was crazier than me. But you know who is even crazier?

The owner of this little shithead. This little ocicat has been harassing me via text lately. How, you ask? He has an extra toe. Obviously.

And with that, I think this counts as my first random Wednesday...

Potluckery.

Within the next two weeks I have about 900 potluck events to attend and contribute to. Don't get me wrong, I love cooking and baking. And I'm really starting to get my groove back. However, when these events are back-to-back I don't want to be up all night preparing and then potentially creating a pintastrophe. So, I've chosen some of my favorite, reliable, and delicioso recipes to contribute to the world.

Paula Deen Gooey Butter Cookies

I know, her recipes are horrifyingly delicious. A stick of butter, a stick of cream cheese? Whelp. Sure. These cookies are too easy and always a delight. Just make sure you chill the dough before you bake. Be fucking patient, okay? Sometimes I get all crazy chocolate chips or whatever yums I can find. Add all the things and dazzle your guests.

Peppermint Patty Bars

I found these little bars of nom on pinterest last year. A tube of cookie dough and peppermint patties? Mouth says yes.

Jalapeno Popper Dip

I don't think I need to elaborate on this one.

And the great american classic,

Buffalo Chicken Dip

I linked to the original recipe for this, but if you use canned chicken you are an animal. Please, cook and shred your chicken breasts for the sake of all that is good and holy. Canned chicken should be illegal. The recipe couldn't be any easier: A brick of cream cheese, 3/4 a jar of frito ranch dip, a shitload of Frank's red hot sauce, and boom. Buffalo Chicken Dip. Also, the thought of using a photo that has used canned chicken in the recipe is testing my gag reflex, so you may google it yourself.

And there you have it. My go-to recipes. What are yours?

Cohabitating, strike one.

So this is going to be one of those posts in which I discuss lady parts and such because I feel so compelled to share one of my not so finer moments in life with you all. Since most of us freely discuss these things anyways. I'm looking at all of you at once.

As you all well know, I nearly died from a cold last week. Which involved sneezing. So much sneezing. I was also dying from PMS and the crying. So one night on the way home from work, I made the rash decision to just swing by Kohl's real quick because I had Kohl's cash I had to spend and not spending Kohl's cash is basically burning a $10 bill. I chose my item to purchase, stood in line, and began to sneeze. At least four, maybe 89 times. And as I'm having a sneezing fit, the worst thing ever happened.

I released the kraken.

But I wasn't going to get out of line because I was next and I didn't want to make a second trip to Kohl's because that would be ridiculous. So I very carefully shuffled to the register, paid, and ran out to my car. I sped the entire 3-minute drive home. Parked. Dropped my phone on the asphalt. Screamed. Ran upstairs. Opened the door, shouted "hi" to meoww because if you don't she gets really upset, and ran in the bathroom. Without shutting the door. 

What happens next almost changed/ruined my life forever.

As I am assessing the damage and mourning the potential loss of my favorite pants, I hear the front door open.

"Babe? BABE IS THAT YOU?"

I hear the familiar, "Oh hi jmeoww...."

And I scream, "HOLY SHIT I LEFT THE DOOR OPEN DON'T COME BACK HERE WHY ARE YOU HOME SO EARLY!"

And then my worst fear was that he thought I shit my pants. And also that he would find out that my body does lady things. Which, I mean, obviously.

Once I calmed the fuck down and tackled the crime scene clean-up, I was able to explain. Explain that sometimes a lady has no control over when the kraken will be released. And the sneezing? Well the sneezing just completely exacerbated an already precarious situation. If you use big words it will distract from everything else that is going on, I think.

The moral of the story: Shut the door, no matter what. Or: Don't stop at Kohl's on the way home from work anymore. Also: Cohabitating. It happens.

Wedding 6/6

We are back and kind of in action. This is my Christmas party hell week which means no naps. BUT. But. I promised the bride a blog post and because she is sweet and adorable and planned a perfect wedding, she totally gets one.

The bride we speak of is now Justin's sister-in-law. And the fabulous wedding was held in Santa Monica at The Victorian, which is a perfect romantic and hipstery venue. I mean, it had a speakeasy downstairs. Which I discovered because I accosted one of the groomsmen that was holding an old-fashioned. Don't withhold classic cocktails from me, guys. I will find them.

We went to a few thousand weddings this year, so we are experts. Yet there were so many things about this one that made it incredibly unique and made me cry like a moron many, many times. Want to make your entire wedding audience cry? Have a sibling officiate it. Have your wildly talented sister-in-law sing the song she wrote for you as you walk down the aisle (note: that is not the song, just an example!). And write your own vows. I think I've said this before but seriously, personalized vows are so damn special and these two did not disappoint. They showcased a truly genuine and sweet love through their own words and had us all in tears. I have a heart, I really do.

Besides all of the romance and drinking and love that was happening, some notable "SO US" moments happened as well.

• I forgot my Naked Palette. You know the horror. Luckily, Sephora is the new starbucks and I picked up some replacement shadows.
• This:

• I walked barefoot around Santa Monica. Because IT WAS SO CLEAN (the Promenade is, at least).
• Justin drunkenly bonded with a Russian cab driver and tipped him 75%.
• Justin forgot his belt and asked me to go get him one. Meaning I had to drive his spotless vehicle through unfamiliar Santa Monica traffic to locate a store of belts. Which of course, I first found Nordstroms and had no time to be picky. Which of course, if he ever loses that belt I will kill him.
• This: 

The dress is Vince Camuto for Macy's. Hell yea I got all designery.
The only good full-dress shot showed my dingy tom's that I
wore for setup so there will be none of that.

•  A wedding after party with Justin's best friend/life partner (whom I was delighted to meet) that included pizza delivery to the motel (yes, motel) and a Duck Dynasty marathon (which further proved to Justin that we cannot get cable, ever).
• Oh, AND I met the family and survived. And discovered that his Aunt reads this nonsense. Hi, Aunt Wendy!
• And also, we decided again that we are in fact not having one of these things.

And finally, upon returning home after leaving miss meoww in her newish home, alone, for 2.5 days we discovered that she ruined not one thing. In fact, she cleaned up after herself. Just kidding.

And that is our final wedding recap of 2012! I expect many invitations to weddings next year just so I can do this all over again. And wear all of these damn dresses again...

Weekend link round-up round-up

Guys, guess what. WHAT? We are on our way to a WEDDDDINGGGGG. Wedding #6 to be exact. The wedding of Justin's brother. In which I will be meeting the rest of the family. And acting as ladylike as possible.

Your prayers are appreciated.

I don't know about you, but I love me some link round-ups. Here are some of my favorite Friday link round-up posters, since I was too lazy to collect links of my own this week. Disclaimer: This is me hoping they post link round-ups this week. It usually happens. I should just calm down.

Bungalow960

The Fug Girls

Dooce

The Everywhereist

Any other linkages I'm missing out on?

Hoping you all have wonderful weekends that don't involve meeting important family members at an important family event while wearing new high heels!

You Know You Love Me.

Not me. But it's okay if you do. Although a little odd.

We are talking about Gossip Girl today. Because I love that goddamned show.

I remember seeing the promos years back when I was a much more cynical gal, slowly easing out of my emo-elitist early twenties. In my later twenties I learned not to be such a hater of such shows and embraced all that GG had to offer. Which is over-the-top melodrama, opulence, and faaaaaaashion.

The acting? Well, obviously. This is a CW show after all. But for a moment let us praise Leighton Meester for giving us one of the best television characters of all time. During this season's Debutante Ball episode she looked absolutely exquisite. She has inspired me to try, and fail miserably, at the art of bold red lipgloss. She is also a classic mean girl, albeit fabulous. Another Blair Waldorf quality my nearly 30-year old self strives to emulate. Truth, I'm usually just a bitch. And so help me if her and Chuck don't end up together, someone will be receiving a strongly worded letter. Email. Probably. I just turned 15.

I think it's also important to highlight the less-than-stellar acting skills of Blake Lively. BECAUSE SHE CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING. But I would still kill for her hair.

I also live for the recaps. My favorite comes from New York Magazine and a close second comes from The Fug Girls. And on the topic of recaps, NYMAG has some killer Real Housewife ones that I miss reading. I love recaps. I have a life, I swear.

I'm usually behind an episode or two (so stop talking about it for shit's sake) because my bestie and I HAVE to watch it together or else we will die. Because it allows us to do what we do best — sit on our ass, drink wine, and talk shit about people we don't know. And we only have a handful of episodes left and then we will have nothing to do again. Ever.

xoxo.

Thoughts from a sick mind.

Not like "sick and twisted" mind. An ill mind. In case you haven't heard, there is a blogger plague going around. Shannon started it. Shanna has it. I has it. Anyone else out there?

It took me a day and a half to admit I was sick. It's just allergies! Tiff, you're sick. Wow, the rain kicked up so much pollen and my ALLERGIES! Really, what happened was that Justin asked if we could go clothes shopping for him this past weekend and I wasn't going to let some wimpy head cold stop that. Besides, I had a coupon!

So here we are, day 4 of the most pathetic head cold ever. I don't get sick. I DO NOT. I get weird ailments. As in, recurring skin disorder that took doctors most of my life to figure out. The food poisoning/salmonella. The mystery flank pain that has been bothering me since August. But normal sick? I don't know what to do with myself.

Here are some of the intriguing thoughts that have been floating around my head for the past four days.

• Kleenex with lotion. A dream for the nose. Everything else though? Not so much. My hands, hair, and face are begging me to lay off the tissues. The snot in my nose would disagree.
• Being sick means I can eat whatever I want. Like jalapeno beer cheese soup in a bread bowl. Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. And a chocolate shake and waffle fries from chik-fil-a. Oh, and chocolate milk with Kahlua. 
• I can turn into a 4-year old in three seconds or less. Especially when I want Mexican food for dinner. I didn't win that one.
• Cough drops taste good.
• Downton Abbey is THAT GOOD. Okay, I'm only on episode two. But you know how people who watch Mad Men and Breaking Bad say that you don't understand until you watch it? Well I watch those so I already understood. But Downton Abbey, I was like pssssht whatever have you seen Mad Men? Now I know.
• Meowws are good caretakers, for very brief moments. You may have seen these precious moments floating around instagram. With the exception of the 2-hour nap she took on me during The Artist, these aggressive cuddles/attempted strangulations last just a few intense minutes. I get the sense that she does it because she knows it is her meowily duty to comfort me. Even reluctantly.
• Justins are also very good caretakers. Which made it so much easier for me to finally give in to the sickness. Even though it's just really bad allergies.
  
  
  

And that's the best I can do. It is time for more NyQuil and more delicious cough drops. Stay healthy, blogland.