On dating a gamer.

Right at this moment, my beloved boyfriend is playing a video game on his xbox and communicating with his brother in Los Angeles, who is also playing the same game. There is laughter, swearing, odd conversation that I don't understand. Me? I'm blogging (duh), listening to some new tunes, and thinking about putting some pictures in a frame.

This used to be my nightmare. This, once upon a time ruined my entire being. It destroyed my confidence and an entire 5+ year relationship. It pushed me in the direction of another person to find emotional solace and companionship. It kept me up late. Gave me headaches. Made me cry more than a person ever should. I. Fucking. Hated. Gaming. And also gamers. And the assholes who invented video games. And puppies. (I was in a very dark place, okay?)

This is not Justin.

You see, gaming is more than a hobby for my boyfriend. It is his career. His entire livelihood. His reason for moving to California thank you baby jesus for that. And yes, I thought myself crazy for even thinking about entering a relationship with a gamer after the utter hell I went through before. But as THEY say, you can't help who you love and I indeed did fall for a gamer.

Also not Justin.

Girlfriends of gamers, there is a right and a wrong way to do this. And luckily for me, and him, he does it the right way. If you find yourself answering YES to any of the following questions it is time to abandon ship because that type of gaming behavior is not normal.

Has your gamer boyfriend ever chosen playing video games over any of the following:

• Going out in public to be social with friends?

•  Boobs?

•  Food?

•  Intimate adult activities?

Does your gamer boyfriend violently scream obscenities at the television and scream at teenagers via headset?

Has your gamer boyfriend refused to stop playing a game well into the wee hours of the morning? 

I hope that none of these questions had a YES answer for you, but if they did please pack your bags immediately and if you need a place to stay call me. I'm good a post-traumatic gaming-disorder stress-disorder counseling. We all get through it.

He games, I write. Or read, shop online, drink beer, or watch TV in the other room. If I ask him to stop, he does. If I express discontent at the thought of him gaming, he won't. If I'm being a complete asshole-whiny bitchface about it, maybe I need alone time anyways.

Dating a mature, respectable gamer has taught me that there is much more to video games than sawing zombie heads off and humping the remaining corpse. And that you can have a fulfilling relationship with video games in your home. And sometimes you can download freaking sweet games of your own to the xbox, like Peggle and become a Peggle Master. Which is probably my proudest accomplishment so far.

Silver linings weekend.

Friday night I finally, FINALLY saw Silver Linings Playbook. And here I sit on Sunday night still thinking about it and tearing up looking through gifs and photos. My heart still so full and so broken from this film. Just believe me when I tell you that it is incredible. Bradley Cooper. Jennifer Lawrence. Robert DeNiro. Jacki Weaver. All so absolutely incredible. So wonderful that I would even allow Bradley Cooper to win the Oscar over Daniel Day Lewis. THAT GOOD.

Without getting in to it too much or giving away fine details, this movie tackles mental health issues in a way that a movie never has before. Nothing too serious, too unrelatable. Actual issues that people struggle with daily, that I have struggled with and that someone you know has struggled with. That is what makes this film so genuine and so heartbreaking. That we all have been there and we all will go back there, unwillingly and unknowingly. It is not a Rom-Com; it is a movie that will shake you to the core and fill your heart with life.

But enough of THAT talking about feelings and the like. I mean, that's not what you come here for. You come here to read about shitshows. So here is a shitshow story.

My best friend came to see our apartment for the first time since I moved to the great north (20ish minutes away). You see, I used to live two blocks from her. We used to walk over to each other's bachelorette pad or meet up in the middle for Thai or Mexican, or a drink. So this was our first official bestie night in Mira Mesa. 

Mira Mesa is a far cry from the hip neighborhood which she still inhabits. It is, dare I say, suburban. So we chose the fine establishment of El Torito for dinner, which has all night happy hour. LITTLE DID WE KNOW, Friday nights at the El Torito in Mira Mesa are CLUB NIGHTS YOU GUYS! Upon entering the bar area, we got carded by a BOUNCER. And then we were nearly defeaned by a variety of Pitbull jams and various other Top 40 hits from 2011. We genuinely shouted across the booth at each other to try to have normal conversation.

My absolute favorite part of the entire ordeal were the MOMS out for a crazy ass Friday night in good 'ol Mira Mesa. One lady, with a killer hair piece, even got grinded on by an ethnic man in a denim-on-denim ensemble. Dare I say they got jiggy with it? They sure did.

Denim-on-denim aside, it was an entertaining and interesting start to our Friday night which was finished with the viewing of an INCREDIBLE MOVIE GO SEE IT NOW. Have I made my point yet?

Blogging can't buy you class.

Besides hashtag abuse and GETTING REAL, my next favorite thing about blogging is blogging tips. So I thought on this fine Friday I would share a little tip of my own.

Blogging about brazilian waxing and culos gets you PAGEVIEWS! Okay, only 2. But really internet, this is what you think of me? I die.

Also, this is my new favorite thing...

I accidentally watched three episodes of The Real Housewives of Atlanta and it has now become my life mission to be Phaedra. Or at least do that move. Apollo had a name for it...anyone remember?

And that is all I have for you on this fine Friday. Stay classy, blogville.

The jmeoww Diaries V.6

Well hello there, fans of the one and only Miss Meoww! It has been far too long since our last JMD, and for that your highness apologizes (although unsincerely). You see, she has been extremely busy settling in to her new home with her boyfriend and developing a daily routine much like any other obsessive compulsive cat.

Her day begins when I wake up, or sometimes when she chooses to wake me up two hours early. Not for food though, just to say hello and get some early morning cuddles that end with her biting my hand off. When I head to the kitchen to start coffee, she is usually still in her bed and she meows at me to pet her. So I do and then she gets up and chases me into the kitchen while biting my ankles.

There was a time when you couldn't even touch her while
she was in bed. PERSONAL SPACE, BITCHES.

Her next job is to wait for me outside the bathroom door while I shower. Once I am done showering, she can go back to sleeping under the couch until it is time for Justin to be woken up.

<insert 8-10 hours of sleeping>

I usually get home from work first and wake her up. She slowly trots out to greet me and falls at my feet for me to pet her. You do not walk any farther into the apartment until this has happened or it ruins her night. When our boyfriend gets home she runs to the door and falls at his feet for pets. Yes, he greets her first. Which I am okay with because I'm not really looking to lay on the floor at his feet by the door. Yet.

And then playtime begins. In her tiny kitty brain. While we are trying to do stupid human things like go to the gym or cook dinner or clean IT IS PLAYTIME CAN'T YOU HEAR ME MAKING ALL OF THESE NOISES?

Once she realizes that human things must be done, she settles in to hovercat position on the couch unless she hears a cheese bag open. Holy shit, do not loudly open any type of plastic bag because IS THAT CHEESE AND CAN I HAVE SOME? You will never hear a louder meow than when shreddy cheese is being opened. Or bags that sound like shreddy cheese. Or even say that word cheese and her fatass comes running. It's my new favorite thing.

When we sit down to eat (yes, on the couch) it is playtime YAY! While we eat, she sits in the corner by the front door and whines and smacks her tail against the wall to signal that it is playtime because you guys come one you've been home for 45 minutes and we haven't played not even once! Until we are done eating, she will either pout in the corner or jump on the coffee table and knock down/touch all the things. That remote? ON THE FLOOR HOW FUNNY!

When we, the humans, decide that it is playtime (or she has provoked Justin enough by running at him at full speed or attacking his feet) total chaos ensues. At the sound of one of us thinking about picking up the laser pointer, this happens:

This laser pointer situation is out of control, you guys, and I'm not sure it is healthy at all. She is a textbook addict. When we finish playing laser and set it on the coffee table, she lays with her paws on it. In real life.

And speaking of addictions, thanks to some fine smuggling by Michelle we have the nips back in our house. When we aren't feeling up to entertaining a cat for 3 hours straight, we bust out the nips and it takes care of life for us. Most of the time she will chill out after running around at full speed. Other times she doesn't stop running around, ever and we have to pull an intervention and remove the nips from her environment.

Between her meticulous daily schedule, OCD, and addictive personality the JMEOWW has been quit busy lately. In general, I feel like since moving in with her boyfriend she has been less stabby. But she is so much more of a needy girlfriend than I am and for that I am grateful. Thanks for making me look good, clingermeoww.

Oh, and she played some Trivial Pursuit.

The time has come.

I'm going to be honest today. This is one of those days where this blog gets real, you know? Because that's what blogging is about...getting real. (side note: I love when blogs say they are getting real...discuss!)

Anyways, if you saw some of my tweets this weekend you probably thought to yourself, Tiffany has officially gone mad. Bitch is in Los Angeles. At a WWE event. On a Friday night. AT A WWE EVENT.

Well, friends. Now you know. Now you know that back in the day I was the world's biggest WWF fan. As a product of the late 80s and 90s, I had to be. When I didn't have to be was the late 90s to the early 2000s. But I was.

You see, my cousin and I managed to befriend a local wrestling group (few of which moved on to big quite big stars, cough, John Cena, cough). The somehow being our good looks and charm. This led to years of shenanigans and stories I could tell for DAYS. Most importantly, this was how I met my BFF and how she met her husband. Over the years our interest faded and we grew out of it. Kind of.

Fast forward about 10 years to my 5-year old nephew discovering wrestling. And becoming OB. SESSED. The kid wrestles pillows, for shit's sake. When I heard of his blossoming love my first thought was, oh shit...oh shit now I'm going to have to tell Justin about my past love. FOR SHAME. But nothing is more entertaining than my nephew and his little friends reenacting all of the wrestlers entrances and gimmicks (see, I know the lingo still). It is hysterical. Shit gets serious.

So this is how I ended up in LA on a Friday night at a WWE event. And would you even believe me when I told you that I nearly cried watching him watch wrestling? Walking down the scary ass streets of LA, dressed in all of his John Cena gear with a championship belt slung over his shoulder. Telling people that he was the champion. I. DIED. Watching him watch his heroes, half filled with wonder and the other half with maybe a little bit of fear. You never forget seeing your heroes for the first time. And I was thrilled to be able to watch him see his. Even though they do represent a part of my life that shames me in such a way. Totally worth it.

Back in the day with The Miz & John Cena. I know...I know.
And then Friday night. The real champion!

Linking up with Leeann & Sami!

Notice anything different?

No, I haven't dyed my hair even though 3 people asked me that yesterday. I have a pretty blog now! All thanks to Aubrey of The Kinch Life Designs! If you are in the market for a new blog design, I would highly recommend her. Now if y'all can do me a favor and update old scary button to new pretty button, I would be forever grateful. We may now all return to our regularly scheduled internetting.

Happy Day Before Friday!

I love free stuff.

Last month I became an Influenster. Which means I got a box of free items sent to me to test out and write an honest review about.

So, here it is. My review of Influenster's Holiday VoxBox items.

• NYC New York Color Lipshine: I've only used this once, and there is no point to a photo because the color is nude. Last time I tried a nude lip it looked like I rubbed foundation on my lips. This gloss is a nice color, and not too sticky. Nothing is worse than overly sticky gloss that turns your lips into a venus flytrap for your hair.
  The Verdict: Thumbs UP.

• Kiss Nail Dress: My opinion on nail decals is similar to that of crafting: I have the patience of a 4-year old child, so it can only end in disaster. But, like a good Influenster I decided to test these suckers out for our NYE party. It was a challenge, and there was a lot of swearing, but they worked. They only last on my nails for a day after the party because I couldn't handle the 3-D texture. I could NOT stop touching them and it was annoying me. They do peel off easily. I do wish that there was a little stick thing to help you apply them, rather than just a file. You know what I'm talking about. It has a name, I'm sure.
  The Verdict: MEH.

What's up, man hands. Also, I do bite my nails, yes.

• Goody Quikstyle Brush: I used this once and it ruined my hair flow so I never used it again. I don't think it dried my hair more quickly. Honestly, I think the towely fibers actually pulled out some hair. And it was only a half-round which meant I kept smacking the back of my head with the flat side. I currently use the round ceramic nylon + boar hair brush by Goody and I love it.
  The Verdict: Thumbs DOWN.

• Montagne Jeunesse Face Masque: Masque, not mask. Obviously. The last time I did a face mask was in eighth grade, probably. So this was a nice little treat. And provided Justin with some comedic relief. It smelled good and did not irritate my skin. It was a little difficult to rinse off. But my face felt incredibly refreshed and tight, and I imagined I looked like Joan Rivers after her 98th facelift. The Verdict: Thumbs UP.

                                        PICTURE? I did take a picture, mostly because I can't sit still for 15 minutes.
                                                                            You'd have to pay me to see it.

• Quaker Real Medley Oatmeal +: I legit threw this away. I hate cherries and pistachios. And with my track record for making oatmeal I'm sure it would've been shit anyways.
  
  The Verdict: Thumbs DOWN.

• EBOOST Natural Energy: This little powder mixed into a bottle of water and it tasted okay. It kept me awake through the afternoon, which is always a challenge. However, I'm trying my damnedest to stay away from such things, even if it is "natural energy." I don't think natural energy should come in a powder...
  The Verdict: MEH.

• Sole Society $25 off Coup: I didn't use this. I can't be encouraged to shop more than I already do. Sorry, Sole Sisters. Don't take it personally.

So there you have it. My very honest review about items that were sent to me for free by Influenster. It was quite fun to do, and I would totally do it again. As long as they don't send me an empty box, right? 

Awards Season!!!!

Yes, yes indeed I just shouted that. Because I fucking love awards season. And yes, it was necessary to swear. I barely tuned in to the Golden Globes because our damned cable hasn't been installed yet and I assumed we didn't have the proper channel BUT WE DID. Although I missed the red carpet, I quickly caught myself up and gave my amateur opinions on things that do not matter in the grand scheme of the world. But OMG LUCY LIU. Sorry, she just walked on stage to present and I died all over again. Has she no stylist?

Yes, awards season is full of opulence and unnecessary clammering over movies that 10% of the world saw that cost millions to produce staring people who get paid millions to do what they love. But I CAN'T GET ENOUGH.

The dresses. My god the dresses. I would even wear that Lucy Liu monstrosity if given the opportunity.  And I get emotionally wrapped up in acceptance speeches like I've personally experienced the trials and tribulations that these people have. And please, Anne Hathaway. Let's not act like life is hard for you. Above all things, Anne, you can even pull off that haircut. So congratulations, but stop it.

And did we see Bill Clinton? I mean, come on! It doesn't get better.

And now I'm not even paying enough attention to spot my man, Daniel Day Lewis. So forgive my passion-rant about awards season. But JMEOWW and I will be glued to the couch all season. Yes, her too. She is currently sitting on my chest between my face and my laptop. And believe me, she died over J.Lo's dress too.

So I got me a Trainer.

For the past week now I have been giggling about "my trainer." Guys, I don't actually have A TRAINER. I got two free personal training sessions when I signed up for the gym, a very small gym in my neighborhood. But I like the way it sounds, like I meet with him several times a week or some big deal like that. No, no. He was free. And after today I will no longer "have" him. Unless I make a financial commitment which I am not sure I am ready for. Can't we just gym date a little longer? So much rushing things these days.

When I first booked my appointment, I read his name as José. And I made up this huge story about how I was going to tell him that I am muy gorda because of the muchos, muchos cervezas. Ayuda me mi amigo, por favor.

When I was driving to the appointment, I looked at the card to double check the time and saw the name Josh. I cannot even tell you how disappointed I was. But what cured this disappointment? Not-José looks 98% like our dear Ronnie from Jersey Shore. You know, this guy:

As if working with a trainer isn't intimidating enough, I am working with a celebrity here. Kind of. In my head, that is how it works. And it means inappropriate giggles at inappropriate times. My maturity level has reached an all time low.

During this first appointment, I was assessed (see: love handles, measured...) and learned a few things:

1. I am nearly technically overweight for my height and age. Surprise, surprise.
2. I have a non-functional ass. He knows all of my secrets already. Which means, because I sit on my ass all day at work, it is slowly dying. And also, getting larger. By the second, I think.
3. Squeezing your buttcheeks together is not only an awkward thing to be told to do, but is also the final step in a correct plank. You're welcome.
4. And as we learned yesterday, coffee makes you take a dump IN ENERGY.
5. And also, beer is not good for you. This guy is full of knowledge, I swear.

My first goal date is my 30th birthday. In 2 months. My fitness plan includes: eating better, less alcohol, more functional strength training. So far, so good. So far.

Tonight I meet with Not-Ronnie so he can learn me the ways of functional strength training in a gym. Because, why sit on weight machines when you sit on your ass all day? <-- His words. So if you don't hear from me for a while, you know why.... 

...Because I asked im to do this and he beat me up.

Wish me luck!

That Katy Perry is full of Sh*t.

California girls do not have it so easy. At least those of us with suspected poor circulation. I am diagnosing myself as such because it is currently 72 degrees inside (59 degrees outside) and I am wearing a scarf. And I am breaking one of my own personal rules by wearing socks with my Toms. What I'm trying to say here is that I am freaking freezing.

I even went and sunbathed in the doorway for a while. And, get this. I went for a walk outside in the sunshine.

Nope. Still freezing.

And don't you think for a second that I didn't count that walk on My Fitness Pal. It counts!

I'm not allowed to drink coffee to warm up because my trainer (whom you will be hearing much more about) told me that the amount coffee that I normally drink makes me take a dump....in energy...and that is why I struggle through the afternoons. And he hesitated when he said it just as I typed it and it was incredibly hard not to giggle like an eleven year old.

And I do believe that the point of this entire post was to tell y'all that coffee does in fact make you take a dump. IN ENERGY. Sickos.


Random Wednesdays with Because Shanna Said So

Life-Changing Decision.

If you follow me on the twitter, you know that I made a huge announcement a few weeks ago regarding Justin and I.

Yes, YES! We are GETTING CABLE!

What? Expecting something else? Calm down, team marriage. Cable is a huge step for us because #1 we are trying to be frugal and cable is the opposite of that, and #2 because I tend to go full-retard when I have cable. Justin has strict orders to monitor the DVR and if I happen to have 18 episodes of Animal Hoarders saved, I am not allowed to have the cables any longer.

You may be asking yourself, why now? BECAUSE. So many good shows are starting all at once and it requires way to much energy to find them online or wait for them to come on Netflix. Technically, I'm already behind because I haven't caught up on Downton Abbey, The Walking Dead, Girls, or Dexter. But our glorious package comes with On Demand so I can watch all the shows, and then some. Basically, I'm never leaving the apartment. But at least I will be all caught up on my shows!

Here are a select few that I am most excited about:

One of the BEST shows on television. Season 2 had me sobbing. I can't wait to see where they
pick up. The acting is some of the best you will ever see.

I'm giving up most of my other network shows because I am so far behind, and because they are full of unnecessary emotional terrorism. So, I think I'll give Mr. Bacon a chance.

GAME OF THRONES. The entire show is in caps lock. It just is.

You really don't get it unless you get it. It's true. Final season. I can't even.

I mean, COME ON.

You know how they say that Big Bang or House or whatever is the smartest show on television?
THEY obviously haven't seen this. Both seasons are on Netflix. Need more reasons to watch?

This genius...

And my main man. Oof.

Now I am certain that there will be new seasons of Animal Hoarders, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, TOO CUTE (puppies or kitties. I'll watch either), Fatal Attractions, and other TLC monstrosities...

And I can't freaking wait.

First 2013 Post.

I could sum up our NYE party, but I am ashamed at how many cookies I ate. And how Justin and I failed at our first NYE kiss because he went to sip his champagne before kissing me and I said you're doing it wrong! I could tell you about how I farted in front of Justin for the first time, or how a portion of our NYE party conversations revolved around to/not to fart in front of your significant other. And how we watched The Grey and it was really odd and also, Liam Neeson is rad and Dermot Mulroney looks good in hipster glasses.

But I don't feel like it.

It's not that I don't like 2013. It's that I don't feel like doing this thing right now. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week.

My irrational anxiety has been through the roof lately. Irrational meaning I sit at my desk and experience the WORST heart palpitations you can imagine for no significant reason at all. And then I get all bent out of shape because there is no reason for it and then I just spiral. And then I go home and lay on the couch and make Justin rub my head until it all passes.

So for now I would like to not force myself to write, and wait for it to come to me. I would like to get my anxiety under control. And I would like to never accidentally fart in front of Justin again. Key word: accidentally.