So I got me a Trainer.

For the past week now I have been giggling about "my trainer." Guys, I don't actually have A TRAINER. I got two free personal training sessions when I signed up for the gym, a very small gym in my neighborhood. But I like the way it sounds, like I meet with him several times a week or some big deal like that. No, no. He was free. And after today I will no longer "have" him. Unless I make a financial commitment which I am not sure I am ready for. Can't we just gym date a little longer? So much rushing things these days.

When I first booked my appointment, I read his name as José. And I made up this huge story about how I was going to tell him that I am muy gorda because of the muchos, muchos cervezas. Ayuda me mi amigo, por favor.

When I was driving to the appointment, I looked at the card to double check the time and saw the name Josh. I cannot even tell you how disappointed I was. But what cured this disappointment? Not-José looks 98% like our dear Ronnie from Jersey Shore. You know, this guy:

As if working with a trainer isn't intimidating enough, I am working with a celebrity here. Kind of. In my head, that is how it works. And it means inappropriate giggles at inappropriate times. My maturity level has reached an all time low.

During this first appointment, I was assessed (see: love handles, measured...) and learned a few things:

1. I am nearly technically overweight for my height and age. Surprise, surprise.
2. I have a non-functional ass. He knows all of my secrets already. Which means, because I sit on my ass all day at work, it is slowly dying. And also, getting larger. By the second, I think.
3. Squeezing your buttcheeks together is not only an awkward thing to be told to do, but is also the final step in a correct plank. You're welcome.
4. And as we learned yesterday, coffee makes you take a dump IN ENERGY.
5. And also, beer is not good for you. This guy is full of knowledge, I swear.

My first goal date is my 30th birthday. In 2 months. My fitness plan includes: eating better, less alcohol, more functional strength training. So far, so good. So far.

Tonight I meet with Not-Ronnie so he can learn me the ways of functional strength training in a gym. Because, why sit on weight machines when you sit on your ass all day? <-- His words. So if you don't hear from me for a while, you know why.... 

...Because I asked im to do this and he beat me up.

Wish me luck!