So I got me a Trainer.

For the past week now I have been giggling about "my trainer." Guys, I don't actually have A TRAINER. I got two free personal training sessions when I signed up for the gym, a very small gym in my neighborhood. But I like the way it sounds, like I meet with him several times a week or some big deal like that. No, no. He was free. And after today I will no longer "have" him. Unless I make a financial commitment which I am not sure I am ready for. Can't we just gym date a little longer? So much rushing things these days.

When I first booked my appointment, I read his name as José. And I made up this huge story about how I was going to tell him that I am muy gorda because of the muchos, muchos cervezas. Ayuda me mi amigo, por favor.

When I was driving to the appointment, I looked at the card to double check the time and saw the name Josh. I cannot even tell you how disappointed I was. But what cured this disappointment? Not-José looks 98% like our dear Ronnie from Jersey Shore. You know, this guy:

As if working with a trainer isn't intimidating enough, I am working with a celebrity here. Kind of. In my head, that is how it works. And it means inappropriate giggles at inappropriate times. My maturity level has reached an all time low.

During this first appointment, I was assessed (see: love handles, measured...) and learned a few things:

1. I am nearly technically overweight for my height and age. Surprise, surprise.
2. I have a non-functional ass. He knows all of my secrets already. Which means, because I sit on my ass all day at work, it is slowly dying. And also, getting larger. By the second, I think.
3. Squeezing your buttcheeks together is not only an awkward thing to be told to do, but is also the final step in a correct plank. You're welcome.
4. And as we learned yesterday, coffee makes you take a dump IN ENERGY.
5. And also, beer is not good for you. This guy is full of knowledge, I swear.

My first goal date is my 30th birthday. In 2 months. My fitness plan includes: eating better, less alcohol, more functional strength training. So far, so good. So far.

Tonight I meet with Not-Ronnie so he can learn me the ways of functional strength training in a gym. Because, why sit on weight machines when you sit on your ass all day? <-- His words. So if you don't hear from me for a while, you know why.... 

...Because I asked im to do this and he beat me up.

Wish me luck!

Not a wedding.

I feel like you come here on Mondays now expecting to read about a wedding. I'm very sorry to disappoint you this week. Come back next week, Wedding Fans.

This weekend we went to Disneyland! Why would we drive to Orange County to a crowded theme park in September during the one weekend where we could stay home and relax? Because I had free tickets. Free tickets which expired next weekend. So to Disneyland we went.

My most recent Disneyland trips have been with my niece and nephew, so it had been a while since I got to do all of the "big-kid" rides. Which I quickly learned, I am no longer comfortable with. Star Tours? I got dizzy. Space Mountain? Dizzy. Matterhorn? I'm still certain I slipped a disc. 

So after I schooled Justin in Buzz Lightyear's Astro-Blasters (A man who designs video games for a living, mind you), we headed to Downtown Disney for some food. AND BEER. Naturally.

I have decided that Disneyland is probably the #1 people watching spot in the entire world. Here are some of our observations:

• Fat kids in witty shirts. Now stop right there, it's not mean when they bring it upon themselves. One large child was wearing a shirt that said "I (heart) bacon." And the heart was made of overeasy eggs. COME ON. Another massive child was wearing a neon tye-dyed shirt stating "I'm with awesome" with an an arrow pointing up. They are simply asking for it.
• The amount of bratty little girls dressed like ghetto-ass princesses was enough to send my ovaries into permanent hiding. Some are cute. And some look quite deranged. My favorite child costume of the day was the little girl dressed like Maleficent. Because she's honest. And she probably won't grow up to be an entitled asshole.
• Bra-less foreigners.
• PIN PEOPLE. Oh my god, Justin was unfamiliar with the PIN PEOPLE and it was my favorite part of the day. Have you ever seen a large & seemingly tough tattooed man with a cherished Disneyland pin collection proudly displayed on his muscular chest? PIN PEOPLE are worth the price of admission.

And my favorite observation of the day:

• Girls who flirt with my boyfriend in front of my face. AKA complimenting his t-shirt. I get it, Dr. Who fans of the world. You are your own class of people (the ranks of which I will soon be joining). But I know, I KNOW what you are trying to do. I won't hesitate to cut a bitch.

He should be lucky I'm so protective. Ahem. That said, it was truly a lovely and magical day. And it made me genuinely happy that I have a man that will take these adventures and laugh along with me. And buy me souvenirs. Also, beer.

Only almost a month later...

So all the way back in July Leeann of Join the Gossip tagged me in a random facts post which is stupid because she's known me since 7th grade. But for the rest of you who haven't, I will take this opportunity to give you 10 random facts about me, answer 10 questions, and then tag people because I like to put people on the spot.

Facts.

1. I am a recovering diet soda addict. I broke my habit of about 4 a day to about 3 a week. All thanks to my lovely boyfriend who convinced me I WAS GOING TO DIE. Diet Cherry Pepsi was my weapon of choice.

2. I dislike birds. Clarification: most birds. Penguins don't count. Especially penguin chicks. Other birds, absolutely disgusting and awful.

3. I'm 5'11. That's a huge bitch.

4. Chuck Palahniuk is my favorite author. David Sedaris is a close second.

5. I have 3 sisters, 2 of which are twins.

6. Laughlin, Nevada is one of my favorite places to travel and I love going with my parents. So that Mom and I can sit at a blackjack table for hours on end and get completely shwasted AND win money.

7. I modeled for a hot minute in my early 20s but I was too fat. Not my words, but a size 4-6 was considered plus-size and well I'm not really a fan of exercise.

8. I don't eat seafood. ANY. No, not that kind either. I KNOW IT TASTES GOOD, to you. I get it.

9.  I love football. Chargers, naturally.

10. The only places I've traveled outside MERICA are in Mexico. So, so much more to do.

Questions.

1. What is your profession? I work as a writer in the Education & Conservation Department at SeaWorld. It's a long explanation, but if you ask I'll tell you more!

2. How would you describe your style? I once told my boyfriend that I was "Target Snotty." Meaning I like to look nice, but I like to do it on a budget. Big accessories, bright shirts, tight jeans. That's me.

3. What one makeup product can you not live without? Does chapstick count? Then chapstick.

4. If you could be besties, with one celebrity who would it be? Chelsea Handler. Read her books, immediately.

5. What is your dream vacation? Laughlin. Just kidding. Somewhere tropical, relaxing, and all-inclusive. I can't be picky. Beggars cant be choosers. Except I don't want to get murdered so maybe I should be more selective.

6. What magazines do you subscribe to? What? People still do this? Okay, I do still get Glamour but that's because it was a gift subscription. And my bestie gives me a crapload of magazines that her grandma subscribes to. I appreciate grandma's free Vogue mags.

7. If you could have any special talent what would it be? Contortionist. Seriously though, I'm the least flexible person I know. Which is sad because I've always wanted to be a gymnast. Imagine realizing at a young age that you would be too tall to accomplish your dreams. Cry with me, internet.

8. What is your favorite breakfast food? CHEESE DANISH. Not a food, I realize.

9. What is your dream job? Being a regular on SNL. Kristen Wiig changed my life, y'all. She's so talented and it is absolutely inspiring.

10. What is your guilty pleasure? PBR. Tall cans. I think I just won at life.

Now, for the tagging. Because I've seen a lot of posts of this type lately, I will spare some of you and only tag two of you: Kathrin of Shop.School.Sleep & Emily of Nerd Love 101.

A three-hour tour...

I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe that this weekend is over. Forgive me if I sound a little grouchy. I haven't gotten this much sun since 2003. Two days in a row in the sun? I'm a goner.

Saturday we celebrated Justin's best friend's birthday (also Justin, for those of you playing at home) by riding around in a boat on the bay, drinking beer, and stopping at bars to drink beer. It was incredible. It was a beautiful and breezy San Diego day spent with hilariously enjoyable company. I'd love to tell you more, but I don't remember many details.

The winningest shirt ever.

The winningest boyfriend ever.

Saturday night, bestfriend cousin arrived with tiny cousin godchild Riley. Jmeoww was thrilled to have the company of a tiny human and expressed her happiness by hissing. Every 3 minutes. She is such a pleasant creature. She also jumped out of the window onto the bed to stare down Mandy, just in case we forgot who was really in charge. By morning, this is what poor little Riley felt she had to do to protect herself. We really need to work on being nice to company...

While Mandy was at a bridal shower, Riley & I went to the zoo where we met up with my sister, my niece and my nephew. I hadn't seen any of these little monsters in nearly a month and I was dying to see them! While the zoo seemed like a good idea, it in fact was not.

These little things make my heart infinitely happy.

Besides the fact that it was one-million degrees outside, the World Famous San Diego Zoo also happens to be the most confusing place on the planet. It was also built on a very hilly terrain. So as you are trying to figure out how to find the damn hippos even though the sign is telling you to go six different directions, you have to choose to fly down a very steep hill or truck up the opposite direction. All in the middle of a jungle setting. With birds. They even FORCE you to go through an aviary at one point. Filled with giant, disgusting birds flying at your head. It's a little frustrating. And by frustrating I mean awful. And because we were situated at the center of the sun, the animals were smart enough to stay in the shade out of our view. Bold move, animals.

Needless to say, it wasn't the best idea to go to the zoo in the middle of summer. However the kids had a great time, and I got to have some love time with all of my babies. And that's all that really matters.

Linking up with Join the Gossip, Sami's Shenanigans, & five30three for Weekend Update!

Bricks & Bottles

Justin's birthday was technically Thursday but as he found out, in my world birthdays last a week. Because when my special day comes along, we celebrate like it's Hanukkah. But with more than eight candles, obviously.

Happiness is VIP parking for Volvos. Not only are we elite,
but also the safest drivers on the road mofos.

So Saturday we went to Legoland. Now why would two grown-ass adults choose to go to a place that is clearly designed for children? Because I had free tickets. Because folks, my loving lovable boyfriend is a geek that enjoys all sorts of geekery including LEGO and Star Wars. It's okay, he knows. And, not to be outgeeked, Legoland features a SeaLife Aquarium which I was totally pumped to visit because they have a new CLAWS exhibit of freakish crabs that I peed my pants over. There was geekery for both of us. 

Japanese spider crabs. AKA BIG ASS CRABS.

This is the bad guy, right?

We spent most of our time in Star Wars miniland where Justin reverted back to, well every day of his life because it's a joy that has never gone away. I asked a million questions that I would probably know the answers to had I actually watched the movies instead of falling asleep. I also tried my hardest not to laugh too loud at the little kids that were geeking out at the same level that my beloved boyfriend was. It was definitely one of those relationship moments where you realize, this is now my life. And it was awesome.

We also spent a significant amount of time in the biggest gift store which Justin kept apologizing for but, hello. SHOPPING. Not a problem! They sell mini-figures in a surprise package so you don't know which one you are getting and because I'm a sucker for those types of things, we bought two of them. I ALWAYS end up with the dumbest option and get super pissed and vow never to buy a stupid grab bag item again. This time, however, Justin got the one that he wanted and I ended up with a bride. A BRIDE. I get it, Legoland. 

It wouldn't be a proper birthday celebration without beer, beer, and more beer so we stopped in The Lost Abbey on the way home (Inspired Beer for Saint & Sinners Alike. It's like it was made for us.) Unknown to us, The Lost Abbey was having it's annual Christmas in July celebration. Meaning, SANTA! Meaning we had to pay to get in, but we were still able to enjoy some amazing brews and of course choose a couple to take home. Which of course, I am drinking right now and blogging in between Star Wars episodes IV-VI. Or as Justins calls it calls it, The Best Birthday Ever. 

I call this, "The Drunken Elf."
Attractive, I know.

Two of the best beers I've ever tasted.

Linking up with the lovely ladies of Join the Gossip, Sami's Shenanigans, and five30three for their weekend update bloghop.

Fancy Fridays: Let's go to the BEACH

Try and say "Let's go to the BEACH, BEACH" and not use your best Nicki Minaj voice. Not possible, right? Anyways, I have a confession to make. Actually it's not really a confession because I'm not really ashamed of it. I dislike the beach. I live in San Diego and I dislike the beach. I don't hate the beach because I appreciate the aesthetic and recreational value it offers others. I am a student of marine biology for shit's sake. I have to intrinsically like the beach. However, sand is my worst nightmare. And the sun has never been a good friend of mine. I've struggled with an interesting skin condition for years and rather than risk it, I've always chosen to take the easy way out and avoid the sun.

When I do hit the beach, it's for shopping or for the bars. One bar will typically turn into two, and you know the rest of the story. Therefore, a hat and sunscreen are absolutely essential for me, and should be for you too! The Maybelline babylips are my new favorite staple because not only do they offer just a touch of color, they also contain SPF 20. So practical and protected (and probably a little bit drunk) is how I do the beach!

BEER.

Of all of the things Justin and I have in common, our deep love for alcohol is the most dangerous. This is what led us to the International Beer Festival at the San Diego County Fair. More than 140 breweries and 300 beers? Our hoppy dream come true. After successfully parking on the side on the road due to the clusterfuck parking situation that is the Del Mar fairgrounds, we acquired our tiny cups and dove right in. Now, it probably would've been better to grab the list and mark things with a pen, which is what our neurotically organized selves would ideally do. But we just went full force into it, keeping the tiny cup full and generally having no idea what was going on. Once we got over the initial excitement, we were able to actually use our brains for a moment to learn a little about the beers we were drinking. Our overall favorite brewery was a local one, Lightning (which will hit Bevmo soon!). Other favorites included Horny Devil by Alesmith, all of the Lost Abbey selections, and that's basically all I remember. Also, beer.

After nearly an hour and a half of the beery goodness, we decided to take a break and experience the rest of what the fair had to offer. And holy shit, it was crowded. We played a couple games and I even successfully rode the ferris wheel without having a panic attack. And then. And then we found Chicken Charlie's, home of the most ridiculous and embarrassing food concoctions this side of the Sierra Nevadas. So why wouldn't we get the battered and deep-friend oreos and klondike bars? I'll tell you why. Because a few hours after ingesting these little miracles of obesity, you will find yourself in a very awkward discussion with your new boyfriend about bodily functions. And yes, we talk about that on this blog because I learned from the master. So thanks, Chicken Charlie for forcing me to cross a bridge that I pretend DOESN'T EXIST.

After polishing off some of the best tasting yet worst inventions in human history, we returned to the beer festival. Or so we thought. Because in the hour that we wandered, shit had gone weird. And by weird I mean that all of the bottled beer was completely gone. Which was quite unfortunate because we had at least two more rows to explore. So the entire crowd was centered around the tapped sections in the middle. A crowd full of drunken hipsters, east countyers, and skanks. Also known as, our worst nightmare. We tried to squeak in a few more tastes, but believe it or not it started getting weirder. The obnoxiously drunk crowd started chanting, "U.S.A! U.S.A!" Why? Why not? Which then led into every national chant you can think of:  the German (?) "Ziggy Zaggy" and the Spanish (according to wikipedia?) soccer chant "Ole, Ole, Ole." And because we were the most sober people in the crowd, we decided it would be best to leave before I started tossing dirty looks around (dirtier than normal).

We considered the outing a great success because, well BEER. It's hard to be disappointed when you got to taste that much good beer. This also led to my ever so classy declaration to make it our mission to visit every brewery in town. Because of all of the great things about San Diego, the beer is my favorite. No, not the beach or the weather. Beer, obviously.