that voodoo magic.

On this day one year ago I was in New Orleans with my LP Leeann, which you can read about right here. Long story short, this happened.

Don Draper, I am not.

One thing I didn't really talk much about at the time, because if you tell secrets they don't come true, was about our trip to the Bottom of the Cup Tea Room. Where we got a psychic reading. From tea leaves.

Okay, first of all this cost three times as much as I expected AND I didn't even get to drink any tea. However, my psychic...she was psychic. She was about 117 years old and a completely crazy, Southern jewel. My 10-minute reading turned into a 30-minute conversation in which she predicted a future for me that in a few short weeks CAME TRUE. And I never, ever would've imagined so.

I walked out a little shell-shocked (but secretly hopeful) to a completely stone-faced Leeann, who had a terrible reading. Terrible as in her lady missed every single mark she tried.

At the time of this reading, Justin and I were in relationship purgatory. But this woman, this treasure knew that our love would blossom and that he would be in my life. She said, "Next year when you visit for Jazzfest, you bring him by to say 'hello!'" And while I didn't go to Jazzfest this year (because it is a special type of hell), I should at least write her a letter telling her that she is in fact psychic, in case she ever doubts herself. Do I have to, or does she already know that she was right? Unclear how far her psychic abilities travel.

I also decided to get into voodoo whilst in NOLA because that is what one does. The voodoo shops are not tourist friendly, at all. They are actually downright terrifying and the shopkeepers enjoy being rude to you. But damn it if I didn't want to get a voodoo love candle (specifically the hummingbird one...one must be specific in casting magic love spells, okay?). So I did, and although I never lit it (because Leeann had convinced me it would explode) I prominently displayed it on my bookcase and longingly stared at it. Which also worked.

Those that know me well know that I don't believe in many things, but psychic readings and love spells are now on the list of things I sure as hell do believe in. And I have a wonderful trip to New Orleans to thank for that.

And now my boyfriend knows that he was magically tricked into this relationship using voodoo magic and everything else short of an animal sacrifice. Thank god he gave in before that occurred...

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The Meowpocalypse is coming. Don't you forget it.

Meowpocalypse: The Link-up

Friends. Fans. Lovers. Today is a big day.

Today is the day we (Queen Jmeoww Consuela Gee and Tiff Gee) invite you to share YOUR stories with us. We have entertained you with our antics for nearly a year now and while therapeutic, we can only handle so much.

This is your chance to shine. Do you have a cat that is a complete terror? That pees itself or requires sedatives to visit the vet? Do you have a dog that eats trash, underwear, or other non-digestable items? Or a hedgehog that is just a complete asshole? Llamas are also welcome.

Next Thursday, May 2nd we will share our stories in one safe place. And all hold hands and remember that sometimes our pets are the boss of us whether we like it or not.


<center> <a href=" http://polkadottedcats.blogspot.com "><br /> <img src="http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b364/starlette425/meowwpac_button.jpg" border="0/><br /> </a></center> *Open to pets of all kinds, EVEN BIRDS. Linkup will go live Thursday, May 2nd.*

allergies on allergies.

I used to make fun of people who cited "Seasonal Allergies" as a medical concern on health history forms. And now I am suffering from them worse than I ever have. SERVES ME RIGHT.

A few weeks ago I whined about my heart palpitations and how they were making me majorly cray-zay. Like holy shit I am going to die at any moment now, crazy. Well, lucky for you I am still here. And through the power of SCIENCE! and EXPERIMENTATION! Justin and I have narrowed down the cause of my "condition." I am allergic to allergy pills (Claritin and Zyrtec, so far). How that is even possible or fair, I have yet to find out.

I have been taking benadryl at night so that I can sleep and wake up with the ability to breathe without sounding like Notorious B.I.G. and it turns me into a complete moron the next day.

Which is a really long way of saying that I don't have a post for you today. Just a really long excuse why I don't have a comprehensible post. Because I am allergic to SEASONS and also the medication to treat them.

However. HOW-EVER. Thursday, as in this Thursday two days from now I have something big for you guys. Something (that doesn't involve a white dress or my uterus) that will change your life and the world of blogging forever. So if you'll excuse me now, I'm going to crawl back in my benadryl haze and continue pretending to be a dragon.

Whoopsies.

Hi there. Consider this a fail post. I was too busy drinking all of the wine at a wine tasting party and eating all of the cheese at said party to do a proper Friday summary for you. So instead, I present you this:

That spectacular photoshop job was done by none other than Justin, available for hire! Come to think of it, he should've photoshopped his head over Christoph Waltz, because I mean that is how those two roll. 

Be kind to each other, yea? Cheers to the weekend!

all about me...

Shanna from Flip Flop Life and Lisa from One Red Shoe were kind enough to nominate me for a Liebster Award. Which means I still have less than 200 followers. Just kidding. It means they are incredibly sweet and now I have to tell you things about myself.

Rather than list 22 things and answer 22 questions, I will be kind and only make you read 11 random facts about me. Because I am a rebel and also it has been a while since I played this game.

1. I've read blogs longer that I've had one. Just call me the hipster of blogging. Seven years, to be exact. My first blog was Dooce and I still read it every day. Heather Armstrong taught me it was okay to talk about mental illness in a public place. And she taught me the beautiful art of elaborate storytelling.
2. I was a camp counselor. For children. I taught children things. This still amazes me. I would probably be a teacher if I didn't have to go back to school and also if California wasn't firing teachers every few months.
3. I have a minor addiction to crime documentaries and real-life crime shows. The reenactments are pure gold. I often fall asleep to these at night, which probably isn't healthy.
4. One of my all-time favorite beers flavors is green-chile. Yea, spicccccy. I thought it only existed in Colorado until I recently discovered it in San Diego and my life was forever changed.
5. I really, really, really love Kanye West.
6. I have 3 tattoos.
7. I'm not good at making lists about myself. OKAY I AM CHEATING.
8. David Sedaris is one of my all-time favorite authors. Talk about the fine art of storytelling — his writing style is something I aspire to. His newest book comes out next week!
9. I have an irrational fear of things starting on fire. Like a coffee machine, or crock pot. So when I start my morning coffee and then go take a shower, the entire time my brain is thinking that the coffee pot somehow malfunctioned and now the apartment is burning down and jmeoww can't alert Justin because I've shut the bedroom door so I don't wake him up BUT AT LEAST I WILL BE CLEAN.
10. I have an irrational hatred of beans. Except for green beans and soy beans. I can't be around beans of any other kind. They disgust me. I am sure they taste great to you. To that I say, you and your beans can get a room.
11. I still watch cartoons. Not that Adventure Time horseshit. The Cleveland Show is where it's at.

If I could properly express to you how difficult those 10.5 facts were to divulge, I would. Apparently I don't like writing about myself...let's psychologize on that for a moment...Not really. Let's laugh at this totally douchey picture of me instead.

And there you have it. This is all me in one weird little nutshell. 

Thanks again for the nominations, ladies!

eyes wide...shut?

In addition to the other 90 shows that we regularly watch, we are now completely obsessed with My Cat From Hell on Animal Planet. I know exactly what you are thinking and I don't know why we didn't watch it before either. It is gold. Pure, sweet gold. And the cat whisperer man is an absolute genius. If you aren't familiar with the show or said whisperer, he is pictured below.

Right? We have learned so much from this so, most importantly that our wee devil is not that bad. She has come so far, you guys. Fine, she pees herself at the vet (yes, only pee this time...thankfully) and she still hunts me (and only me). But I have learned that it could be SO MUCH WORSE.

One of the cats that Sir Galaxy was dealing with was feral, and to make the cat feel more comfortable around him, he slow-blinked at it several times. You know, slow-blinked. It is how cats know that you are not a threat and you like them. 

So at this point I'm all up in giggles. HE IS BLINKING AT THE CAT. THEY ARE SPEAKING WITH EYES. Dying. And then that Justin. He says, "What? I do that to jmeoww all the time."

You guys. I lost my shit. Completely. My boyfriend had been secretly eye-communicating with my animal and not telling me. Okay first of all, he eye-communicated. Secondly I had no idea and that was the kicker. They have secrets, those two. I KNEW IT. Next time I enter a room and they are both silent and glancing at each other I will know, just know that they are talking shit about me behind my back. WITH THEIR EYES.

Of course, because I'm a complete asshole, I shared this story with my friends and had to take it a step further. This is now how we communicate at lunch. Because sometimes you can't always say things out loud and nothing expresses your mood like a good slow-blink.

or the non-blink...

f{b}otw

Right now, at this exact moment, my heart feels like a dying fish flopping around in my chest. You are so welcome for that mental image. This has been going on since last Monday and I am probably going to lose my mind because of it (which could also be the root of the problem — HI ANXIETY! I feel you!). Yes, I am investigating into this matter. Yes, I understand you have once had persistent heart palpitations too and that your neighbor's grandma did as well. Sorry, I am a little grouchy because you know, HEARTBEAT.

Let's get to business. Favoriteeeee.......

NONE. You know why? Because while I am fairly caught up on blog reading and there were many amazing posts, I was so distracted by the damn circus of shit that went down that I wasn't keeping track of what I was reading. And while I was greatly entertained by all of the shit that was thrown into a fan, it made me really grateful for the choices I have made as a blogger. I am here to write, and also to make some amazing friends. Greed breeds crazy and I want none of that. If my blog is going to make me famous it will be because of my skills. My bowhunting skills, obviously.

85% of you voted that I buy the dress, and fine okay I will buy it! Really, I just needed encouragement to splurge. If I could I would send you all a dress. 

I won't even elaborate on this. It is perfect.

"Ugh, don't ruin a hilarious comment by apologizing." --Jemima Kirke's advice to aspiring humorists

— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham)April 11, 2013

And there you have it. What were your favorite moments this week?

Cheers to the weekend!

the opposite of spring cleaning.

I don't spring clean. I clean, all the time. I am constantly throwing shit hell-west-and-crooked (hell-western-crooked? discuss...) because I love getting rid of things. Because it means I can get more THINGS.

The lovely Christina of Easily Entertained sent me a Modcloth gift card for my birthday and I have never been so indecisive in my life. I want to buy one of everything, but then I want to hoard my gift card JUST IN CASE. You never know what they will add to their lovely and addicting boutique!

Spring is finally speaking to me, guys. I mean, not to brag but its been pretty nice around these parts for the past few weeks. I know, I know. Hashtag California problems. I think I am ready to give up my comfy, baggy sweaters for something light and bright. Help me decide, will ya?

Real Talk Tuesday: Relationships & Relationships.

A while back I speculated with my dear friend about the legitimacy of bumper stickers. My words were, "It's not like you are going to see a bumper sticker that makes you say, 'HELL YEA BUMPER STICKER! I'm changing my mind on that!'"

Except today that kind of happened to me. As I was sitting in traffic pondering the rest of this post below, a minivan beheld a bumper sticker that spoke to my soul. It was so simple and generic that I can recreate it right here.

Don't believe everything you think.

And just like that, many of my fears lightened. This simple bumper sticker was rather helpful. You go, bumper sticker. 

This is about things that I don't ever blog about, because of my readership — which consists of a lot of family members and close friends. I don't want blog topics to ever have severe effects on any of my life relationships. But it is REAL TALK TUESDAY and I feel like getting some things off my chest, with the hope that my heart will relax and my life will go back to beating normally.

Since I've been with Justin, many of my other relationships have changed. I have taken a step — in some relationships a few steps — back to focus on us. Our relationship became the most important thing in my life, besides jmeoww naturally. And because I never had such a strong, adult relationship it took me some time to adjust — and I find myself still adjusting.

I have also taken some steps back because in the big picture it is healthier for me. It is healthier for me not to panic and worry about problems that I cannot fix. It is healthier for me to offer the level of support I am comfortable of giving, and then stop. It is healthier for me to be less involved in all of the business. Bottom line.

This? All of this is a HUGE trigger for me and I feel as though if I can say this and work it out in my head, I won't feel guilty and I can own my relationships a little bit better. I will be comfortable giving what I can, and not worry about anything more than that.

f{b}otw

I could not be more behind on blog reading this week, you guys. March Madness, my life not the tournament, got me all screwy and I am desperately trying to get my shit together. Stick with me, yea? K great, thanks.

I really need to add an "s" to that header...But anyways, such life-savvy ladies this week!

Angi shows us how to make a personalized iPhone button.

Christina shows us how to change your no-reply status and ditch word verification, which OMG DO THIS NOW PLEASE.

Stephanie shows us many uses of baking soda, salt, & vinegar. If only I could get her to do these things in my apartment, we would be golden.

Question: Do y'all reply to every single comment you get? Sometimes I feel like a broken record. I love and appreciate every comment, but if my responses ever seem half-hearted I would be sad about it, you know? I don't ever want to become one of those people. 

Kelsey's comment made me feel a little bad for Shannon & Jes because I gave her such good bachelorette party advice! (you can't hear me, but I am evil laughing). You're welcome, ladies. Just stay away from Magic Erasers.

I told Shannon last f{b}otw that I couldn't play favorites with her, but shit if this bitch isn't hysterical. Do yourself a favor and follow her on the twatter. I held back and only chose one. 

And there we have it. What else did I miss this week in bloggity blogville? That was for you, Shay.

Cheers to the weekend!

what i'm watching.

Nothing says filler post like that title, am I right? But honestly, we all love television. Good, bad, really bad. Us bloggies can't get enough of it. And to be completely honest, lately I'd rather watch TV than write a blog post. I'M SORRY, okay? I can't pull content out of my ass. So until I get caught up on my stories — the televised kind and the life ones — you have to read this kind of bullshit.

the new ones

The Following

Aren't we all? Some of the early episodes irritated me. OH NO ANOTHER FOLLOWER. But now as we reach the end of the season I am peeing myself. This shit is just pure crazy and I love it. It fits in with my real-life-crime-shows addiction quite nicely.

Top of the Lake

This is a heavy, heavy show featuring the extraordinary Elizabeth Moss. It is on the Sundance channel, which I'm still not even sure what that means. It is good, real good. A little weird, but I would watch Elizabeth Moss in anything. She is brilliant.

Vikings

Dying...DYING over this show. I've decided that I am a viking, so don't fuck with me. The History channel has nailed this one. The main character bears a striking resemblance to Jax from SOA. Yea, that's right. I'll wait while you go set your DVR...

the old ones

Game of Thrones

Don't even tell me you don't watch this. GET OVER YOURSELF. This was the show that when Justin said I had to watch it I replied, "I don't like period pieces." Which doesn't even make sense. All I know is that I need me some dragons and some long blonde hair.

Lost

Please see the first two sentences above. This is the one show that I insisted Justin watch. We are on season two. I still cry over it all the damn time. Rose + Bernard 4eva!

Shameless

One of the best shows I've ever seen. Ever. The season finale is this week and I am not emotionally prepared. While I loathe William H. Macy's character, the rest of the characters are so beautifully acted. Emmy Rossum is a dream, you guys. Talk about an amazing cry face. Joan Cusack is just perfection and plays one of my favorite television characters of all time. I can't say enough about this show. Just watch it, yea?

Eastbound & Down

Justin and I are going to write a book about how this is the greatest show of our time. Although quite horrific at times, this show has feelings. Real feelings. And we also agree that Danny McBride is one hell of an actor, even when he is playing the world's biggest doucher (which his roles usually include). La Flama Blanca for life!

Weeds, season 8

I was a huge fan of this show in the beginning, so I have to finish it even though I heard terrible things about this season and I can't stand Jennifer Jason Leigh's character. I started it this week because I couldn't find any damn crime shows to watch (and I don't allow myself to DVR that shit because it could get out of control). We shall see where this final season takes us...

and starting Sunday...MAD MEN IS BACK! I can't even handle myself.

Thanks, Kelsey!

the ones I refuse to watch

All of the damn housewives

Starting now I have placed a moratorium on any housewife watching by yours truly. I watched half of RHOC the other night when I couldn't sleep and I've had heart palpitations since. Related? PROBABLY. I think it has something to do with Vicki's face and also all of the screeching and bickering. Even though the teaser of Laurie/Chyna returning is tempting, for my health I can't even with these shows. Any of them. Okay except maybe Atlanta sometimes...

And holy shit I just realized that I need to get a life. This is a lot of television time. Damn you cable. Damn you so good.

We went to vegas and came back unmarried (barely) V.2

I have returned from Las Vegas unscathed although mildly brain-damaged. It may be time for an alcohol break, methinks.

While you will not get the details of the Bachelor/ette party we attended, I will share some things that I learned this trip. Because, Vegas. It gets you.

• Do not, under any circumstances shout "Make me a drink, BITCH" to your friends if there is a cocktail waitress in your vicinity. It won't end well.
• When trying to gain the attention of a group of men, shouting "HEY WHITE PEOPLE" usually helps.
• The restroom at Mix in Mandalay Bay is what Vegas is all about. Peeing with a view of the strip from the highest floor of THEHotel is what Vegas means to me.
• Don't try to help the drunk douchey guys by telling them there is a free tram because THEY LITERALLY DON'T WALK ANYWHERE.
• The cab drivers usually don't want to be your friend, no matter how hard you try.
• Do not try to remove temporary tattoos with a magic eraser. You will probably get a chemical burn.
• Consistently reassure your friends, "I won't blog about this, I swear."
• Do the thing you are supposed to do with the bride to-be, even if it horrifies you. For more information, visit this post.

This pretty much sums up that last bullet point.