eyes wide...shut?

In addition to the other 90 shows that we regularly watch, we are now completely obsessed with My Cat From Hell on Animal Planet. I know exactly what you are thinking and I don't know why we didn't watch it before either. It is gold. Pure, sweet gold. And the cat whisperer man is an absolute genius. If you aren't familiar with the show or said whisperer, he is pictured below.

Right? We have learned so much from this so, most importantly that our wee devil is not that bad. She has come so far, you guys. Fine, she pees herself at the vet (yes, only pee this time...thankfully) and she still hunts me (and only me). But I have learned that it could be SO MUCH WORSE.

One of the cats that Sir Galaxy was dealing with was feral, and to make the cat feel more comfortable around him, he slow-blinked at it several times. You know, slow-blinked. It is how cats know that you are not a threat and you like them. 

So at this point I'm all up in giggles. HE IS BLINKING AT THE CAT. THEY ARE SPEAKING WITH EYES. Dying. And then that Justin. He says, "What? I do that to jmeoww all the time."

You guys. I lost my shit. Completely. My boyfriend had been secretly eye-communicating with my animal and not telling me. Okay first of all, he eye-communicated. Secondly I had no idea and that was the kicker. They have secrets, those two. I KNEW IT. Next time I enter a room and they are both silent and glancing at each other I will know, just know that they are talking shit about me behind my back. WITH THEIR EYES.

Of course, because I'm a complete asshole, I shared this story with my friends and had to take it a step further. This is now how we communicate at lunch. Because sometimes you can't always say things out loud and nothing expresses your mood like a good slow-blink.

or the non-blink...

The FACE.

I can't even tell you how many times I've heard the following phrases:

"Smile!" or something seemingly more clever to the person making the statement.

"Do you feel okay?" or some variation of that.

"Having a bad day?" which I would never answer yes to anyways so why are you asking STRANGER DANGER! 

To the above questions and many more, here is my perpetual answer:

"It's literally just my face."

Sometimes I try to get all lady gaga clever with statements of being born this way and how hard it is to live a life looking perpetually pissed off. But you know what? It isn't. If anything it's entertaining as hell because it always keeps people guessing. And also encourages them to mind their own business. It does, however, get me marked as "snotty" and yes "bitchy," which is only true sometimes. I just like to think that I have so much going on in this genius brain of mine that I don't have time to worry about having a phony smile pasted on my face at all times.

Source: blog.krisatomic.com via Tiffany on Pinterest 

Quite possibly my favorite example of THE FACE in action can be seen in the photos below. Because seriously, how could we not be happy in that moment? We were paying attention, thank you very much.

Intense listening faces.

I smile on command very well, as do my friends.

Right? So remember, next time you encounter someone that may not look pleased, they are happy on the inside. Or their dog died. Either way, it's probably best that you don't even ask and just move on with your day.

A severe case of the weekends.

Why, oh WHY is it not the weekend yet? Earlier this week, time was fa-ha-lying by and now I swear three weeks have passed before it turned into Friday. I am super excited for this weekend's events but also completely overwhelmed by the timeline in which they will be accomplished. Friday night we are celebrating Emily's birthday at Medieval Times and last time we went, this happened:

Yes, that is chicken skin. Cable Guy wasn't all bad.

In conclusion, I am equally excited and horrified to find out what happens this time. This CASE OF THE WEEKENDS has totally fried my brain, so you get some linkage today.

Aminals! 

Ice Cube, as told by cats.

Did you know HuffPost has an entire page dedicated to cats and cat related things?

And to prove I'm not entirely biased, dog shaming. Okay, so I am biased.

Faves Posts of the Week

The Everywherist kills it with this one.

Miss Erin totally made me PMP (pee my pants, for those of you playing at home).

Randomness

The only three dance moves you need to know. Ever.

Someone needs to buy me this sweater.

And holy neatness! The Smithsonian is pinning! (I pin too! If you're in to that sort of thing...)

My weekends are itching. I've got to deal with this problem. Hopes yours is equally amazing/horrifying!

The JMEOWW diaries V.3

One time JMEOWW peed her pants.

Wait. What? Here's the thing. The meoww has been quite well-behaved lately. Well-behaved meaning I haven't lost any blood lately. She also hasn't attracted any more fleas. But she has attracted the neighbors' cat, which is now her second boyfriend (Justin will always be her first love. It's disgusting). Since she can't go outside (yet), they lay on opposite sides of the screen door like fucking Romeo & Juliet. We also started slowly acclimating her to the great outdoors by letting her spend a few minutes on the patio. Her tiny brain exploded. It was adorable, and then I had a panic attack imagining her jumping off the balcony and getting hit by a car. So indoors we went. Baby steps. For both of us.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING LEAF? *

Because her antics have been limited, I thought I would tell an old story. About the time she peed her pants. The J had a deep love for BAGS and I came home one day with a paper bag with handles. I put away my purchases and gave her the bag to play with. And then said bag tried to murder her.

Not the night in question. This was way before the murder attempt.

What happened next was a blur of movement and laughter that would last for hours. Jenna  and I were sitting on my couch probably watching 20/20 on TLC when out of nowhere, a paper bag comes running into the living room at speeds only previously achieved by Usain Bolt. And then it went back in the bedroom. And then flashed through the living room way into the kitchen. And we were laughing so hard we couldn't do anything to stop it. Which probably would've made me an accomplice to the murder.

When the bag finally stopped running, I ran over to comfort J who was the most terrified I've ever seen an animal. She was breathing rapidly, all puffed out and hunkered down hissing her life away. I grabbed the bag to cut the handles off so she would never have to suffer such entanglement again and the bag was wet. And then I looked around. The carpet was wet. Dear god, my cat had pissed herself from fear.

This realization only made the laughing worse which scared her more and then it just spiraled into a pee-filled laughterfest. Once she calmed down I was able to clean her peepants and comfort her while stiffling my giggles.

Paper bags are no longer allowed in the house of meoww. They are a threat to meowws worldwide and should probably be outlawed due to their murderous nature.

*JMEOWW thinks in caps-lock and would probably swear a lot.

I met THE QUEEN.

Tuesday night I went to my first ever book signing to meet one of my most favorite people in the world. And by world I mean Internet. You guys I met The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson. I read her blog religiously and have been for a few years now. Her writing is not only some of the funniest shit I have ever read, but also at times painfully honest about her struggles with depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. And I find that so damn inspiring. She is one of my blogging heroes and was just as amazing and adorable in person as I would have expected.

Copernicus, The Bloggess, & an overexcited me.

She read a chapter from her book, Let's Pretend this Never Happened (which you should totally read if you like to laugh). The chapter about overdosing on laxatives, naturally. And in true Bloggess fashion, she admitted to us before she began speaking that she had in fact taken one too many anti-anxiety pills. Amazing.

If you are unfamiliar with The Bloggess, here are some of my favorite posts

Serious & Amazing Shit

The fight goes on

Tightrope walker

The Traveling Red Dress


Shit that literally made me laugh out loud

Beyonce the giant metal chicken

You're ruining Nathan Fillion for me, Nathan Fillion

The Nathan Fillion post is how I got Justin to send me a picture of him holding a can opener way before he was my boyfriend and HAD to do such a thing. Which made my life, naturally. Which I told her as she signed my book, naturally. I also told her that when she followed me on twitter I totally peed my pants. But not like literally. Oh my god I rambled. What a dork.

Anyways, if you enjoy shenanigans, taxidermy, and metal chickens, you can happily consider yourself a Lawsbian. We are a proud bunch of misfits.