A Very Meowwy Christmas.

Welcome, one and all, to a very special holiday edition of The JMEOWW Diaries. Life has been incredibly crazy and overwhelming as of late, so what could be better than some ridiculous cat photos full of holiday cheer?

Cats and Christmas go hand-in-hand. Like bunnies and Easter. Jack and coke. Water and electricity. All my cat ladies out there, you know what I mean. The trees, decorations, wrapping paper, tissue paper, bows, electrical cords. We are creating a winter wonderland for our little furry friends. And while I find it hilarious, it is quite destructive and annoying. This was us last year:

I eventually gave up at just let her occupy the tree and destroy the ornaments. It was too much, and also hilarious. This year she has been much, much better. Probably because she is a fat and too big for our fake tree. Also because since moving in with her boyfriend she has developed some actual manners. She hates to disappoint her Justin, she really does.

Although I miss the giggles that come along with tree destruction, we still have Kousin Khloe to fill that hole in our lives:

And if it wasn't for this, I'm sure my sister would've sold her to the gypsies by meow:

I told you she was crazier than me. But you know who is even crazier?

The owner of this little shithead. This little ocicat has been harassing me via text lately. How, you ask? He has an extra toe. Obviously.

And with that, I think this counts as my first random Wednesday...

Black is Beautiful.

So. Did you know it is "Adopt-a-Less-Adoptable Pet" week? Now just what does that mean?

What. In. The. Hell.

Now, I realize that for many reasons my beloved animal is less desirable than other animals but I would've never thought it was because of her fur color!

Okay, wait. Let's go back in time. When I was adopting Le Meoww from her tiny little feral litter, I wanted the fuzzy gray runt. But my bestie so kindly talked me into getting TWO UNDERAGE KITTENS. All I kept saying was I don't want a black cat. But I walked out of there with a fuzzy gray runt (moment of silence for the good doctor) and a feisty shiny black kitten. And then one of them pooped in the box and then the other one did and I wanted to throw them out the window.

After we lost the good doctor to murder tiny-meoww-illness, I took Miss J to the vet. They had asked me her details over the phone so when we arrived, the vet techs died from her cute and said, Awww she's not ugly at all for a black kitten! And like a defensive mother I was like, what the fuck are you bitches talking about? Don't you dare talk about my baby like that!

Maybe she had the crazy eyes...but I wouldn't call her ugly.

Anyways, I'm not sure if there was a real point to this post. Beyond the fact that this ad campaign sent me into a fit of giggles that spiraled for hours on end. Which is the opposite of what was supposed to happen.

ps - I just realized that maybe people don't want black cats because of bad luck. To that I say grow-up, magic-believers.

pps - If they would market the one-eyed cats as "Pirates," I'm sure they would have better luck.

ppps - I'm not completely heartless. I would adopt some of these in an instant if I could. Except for the olds because who wants one of those! (totally kidding...)

The JMEOWW diaries: SPECIAL EDITION

The Divine Miss Meoww is turning one (sometime I think, possibly this week, I'm not sure because she was feral...)! Because Justin wouldn't let me buy her a tiny hat and because cats actually can't taste sweet flavors, we are celebrating with shredded cheese and a laser pointer. He also convinced me that a party would be a complete nightmare for her because she hates people.

In one year she has accomplished SO much. She has: possibly killed her brother and allegedly her mother, ruined Christmas, peed her pants, set the world hissing record, made ZERO friends (but two boyfriends!), grown a fupa, gotten fleas three times, and has probably inspired an entire generation to NOT obtain a cat. Now if only she could catch that fucking red dot she would be the happiest meoww alive.

The face of an ANGEL.

She is also wondering why my
forehead looks so large.

We've come so far. But not really.

The JMEOWW diaries V.3

One time JMEOWW peed her pants.

Wait. What? Here's the thing. The meoww has been quite well-behaved lately. Well-behaved meaning I haven't lost any blood lately. She also hasn't attracted any more fleas. But she has attracted the neighbors' cat, which is now her second boyfriend (Justin will always be her first love. It's disgusting). Since she can't go outside (yet), they lay on opposite sides of the screen door like fucking Romeo & Juliet. We also started slowly acclimating her to the great outdoors by letting her spend a few minutes on the patio. Her tiny brain exploded. It was adorable, and then I had a panic attack imagining her jumping off the balcony and getting hit by a car. So indoors we went. Baby steps. For both of us.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING LEAF? *

Because her antics have been limited, I thought I would tell an old story. About the time she peed her pants. The J had a deep love for BAGS and I came home one day with a paper bag with handles. I put away my purchases and gave her the bag to play with. And then said bag tried to murder her.

Not the night in question. This was way before the murder attempt.

What happened next was a blur of movement and laughter that would last for hours. Jenna  and I were sitting on my couch probably watching 20/20 on TLC when out of nowhere, a paper bag comes running into the living room at speeds only previously achieved by Usain Bolt. And then it went back in the bedroom. And then flashed through the living room way into the kitchen. And we were laughing so hard we couldn't do anything to stop it. Which probably would've made me an accomplice to the murder.

When the bag finally stopped running, I ran over to comfort J who was the most terrified I've ever seen an animal. She was breathing rapidly, all puffed out and hunkered down hissing her life away. I grabbed the bag to cut the handles off so she would never have to suffer such entanglement again and the bag was wet. And then I looked around. The carpet was wet. Dear god, my cat had pissed herself from fear.

This realization only made the laughing worse which scared her more and then it just spiraled into a pee-filled laughterfest. Once she calmed down I was able to clean her peepants and comfort her while stiffling my giggles.

Paper bags are no longer allowed in the house of meoww. They are a threat to meowws worldwide and should probably be outlawed due to their murderous nature.

*JMEOWW thinks in caps-lock and would probably swear a lot.

The JMEOWW Diaries V.1

This may have caused some of the behavioral issues.

World, meet the JMEOWW. Why yes, I did name my kitten after JWOWW. It was funny at the time. I have been paying for it ever since. 

You see, J (or The Meoww as she is also commonly referred to) isn't just any cat. She came from humble beginnings (meaning, feral) and lost her mother at too young of an age. She also lost her brother that I had chosen to raise as well. By "lost" I mean we think she murdered him. The loss of Doogie Meowser, M.D. will forever be one of the greatest mysteries in our lives. So needless to say, homegirl has some issues.

My decision to get a kitten was not made lightly. Especially since at the time I was single and I didn't want to hear everyone's shit about becoming a crazy cat lady. I NEVER intended to be one of "those people." But you guys, I so am. And it's not because of the cute things that she does. It's because if I don't talk about the havoc she causes in my life, the trauma, the injuries, I will hold it all inside and end up in therapy. She is the weirdest animal I've ever known. Do I love her dearly? Absolutely. Is she completely dominate over me to the point in which she knows I am sometimes afraid of her? Yes. Have I thought about giving her xanax? Several times. We are currently testing a pheromone calming collar and I'm not sure how well it's working. She's been slightly less vocal and a bit less violent. I'd like her to be at a level of ZERO VIOLENCE. So maybe more collars. And a hat. A tiny, calming hat. My point is, I will be telling stories of The Meoww here. They are often too hilarious not to share.

We should've seen the warning signs from a young age.

Aliases: J, The Meoww, JJ

DOB: August 28th, 2011
Place of Birth: An abandoned house in the rough streets of La Mesa, California
Relatives: Deceased (cause unknown...)
Likes: Fuzzy blankie, tempurpedic pillow, OCTOPUS! magnet, the taste of blood
Dislikes: You, the vaccuum, phones, rational thought
Hobbies: Meowing, chasing ankles, attacking the TV, hoarding trash

MINE! Trash and other various treasures under my bed.