The JMEOWW diaries V.3

One time JMEOWW peed her pants.

Wait. What? Here's the thing. The meoww has been quite well-behaved lately. Well-behaved meaning I haven't lost any blood lately. She also hasn't attracted any more fleas. But she has attracted the neighbors' cat, which is now her second boyfriend (Justin will always be her first love. It's disgusting). Since she can't go outside (yet), they lay on opposite sides of the screen door like fucking Romeo & Juliet. We also started slowly acclimating her to the great outdoors by letting her spend a few minutes on the patio. Her tiny brain exploded. It was adorable, and then I had a panic attack imagining her jumping off the balcony and getting hit by a car. So indoors we went. Baby steps. For both of us.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING LEAF? *

Because her antics have been limited, I thought I would tell an old story. About the time she peed her pants. The J had a deep love for BAGS and I came home one day with a paper bag with handles. I put away my purchases and gave her the bag to play with. And then said bag tried to murder her.

Not the night in question. This was way before the murder attempt.

What happened next was a blur of movement and laughter that would last for hours. Jenna  and I were sitting on my couch probably watching 20/20 on TLC when out of nowhere, a paper bag comes running into the living room at speeds only previously achieved by Usain Bolt. And then it went back in the bedroom. And then flashed through the living room way into the kitchen. And we were laughing so hard we couldn't do anything to stop it. Which probably would've made me an accomplice to the murder.

When the bag finally stopped running, I ran over to comfort J who was the most terrified I've ever seen an animal. She was breathing rapidly, all puffed out and hunkered down hissing her life away. I grabbed the bag to cut the handles off so she would never have to suffer such entanglement again and the bag was wet. And then I looked around. The carpet was wet. Dear god, my cat had pissed herself from fear.

This realization only made the laughing worse which scared her more and then it just spiraled into a pee-filled laughterfest. Once she calmed down I was able to clean her peepants and comfort her while stiffling my giggles.

Paper bags are no longer allowed in the house of meoww. They are a threat to meowws worldwide and should probably be outlawed due to their murderous nature.

*JMEOWW thinks in caps-lock and would probably swear a lot.