signed, sealed, NOPE.

You guys. I have a confession to make. And because it is Friday the 13th and I feel like making up a superstition, I feel as though today is a day to be honest with you. Ready?

I hate Christmas cards.

I KNOW, right? What am I, the Grinch? Kind of, and totally maybe a little.

I love receiving Christmas cards, I really do. I DO. It is honest Friday the 13th, remember? I cannot tell a lie. And the fact that people think to mail me something and even some of you blog ladies take that extra step to send snail mail? Well that just warms my cold little heart.

I waffled on this, especially this year because of our engagement and upcoming wedding. My thought was we should be a real adult couple that does real adult things! We should really EARN those wedding gifts we will be receiving! So I forced Justin to take photos with me for these incredibly festive Christmas cards I was going to create. This is how they turned out:

Do you have any idea how nervous this makes me for wedding photos? Its like we can't NOT be assholes. I took that one nice photo and inserted it into some of the templates from popular online retailers. And then I threw up a little. Christmas card template people we are not. And if I had the patience and money I would've searched longer and harder (ahahaha) for the PERFECT template but as you know, (everyone at once) ain't nobody got time for that!

Also, because I feel like continuing my tirade, you can't put the pictures that you are going to put on your Christmas card on the social medias! THAT IS CHEATING! So basically, my Facebook family and friends have already seen these luscious photos of us. Why would I pay money to print them on a false-ass card and then go to the actual post office to do mailing things? Y'all have seen it!

So this is my confession, dear friends. Please don't take my lack of effort and enjoyment of all things Christmas cards to mean that I like you any less. It's not you, it's the actual fucking Christmas cards. HONEST.

This is the best I will do. Feel free to print it and hang it (Kelsey).

the uncommon gifts guide.

More presents? YES. I am sure you are getting the idea that I love stuff. STUFF. And buying things! For other people! Although I am not above spending the extra dough required to get free shipping on myself. So thanks for that, Forever 21.

If you come from a ginormous family as I do, you have a lot of buying to do. A LOT. And to people who say, "Just don't buy for each other then!" I say, "Are you not human?" Because guess what. If you don't buy you don't receive and although I wouldn't be mad if I didn't get anything in return...okay who am I kidding, I'd be pissed. My one rule for my sisters this year when I asked for their wish list was DO NOT ARBITRARILY CHOOSE ITEMS OF CLOTHING. We all have enough clothing. We could clothe an entire nation, if needed. I really wanted to go rogue on etsy and buy every and all of the things, but I behaved. Kind of. In addition to the family I was born into, there is also a Justin to shower in gifts. There are a handful of coworkers. Oh and also about 5 birthdays in the month of December. I have work to do.

Puss in Books Calendar - Cats in costumes with quotes from classic literature? Paired with a donation to a no-kill cat shelter, this is practically a perfect calendar for your lady workers or your crazy cat lady friends.

How Joyful Handlettered Calendar - Beautiful lettering and inspiring quotes. Her shop is closing TODAY for holiday travel so get your orders in quickly! (disclaimer: her shop closed yesterday. I wrote this and didn't publish in time because I got drunk baking things. so, new year's gifts instead?)

Bourbon Glasses - These are so impossibly cool and classic. If we had room in our cupboards I would've bought an entire set. For the gentlemens in your life that enjoy a good classic cocktail. 

Craft Beer Poster - We are lucky enough to live in one of the craft beer capitals OF THE UNIVERSE PROBABLY. Craft Beerd is a super cool vendor and if you happen to live in San Diego there are options that highlight all of our breweries and craft beer bars. SO RAD. Buy this for your beer loving brother.

Frostbeard Candles - Wasn't I just bitching about expensive candles? I WAS. But $15 and amazingly geeky? GIVE THEM ALL TO ME. Wait, I am supposed to give these to others...these would go to all of my Harry Potter loving friends. And LotR. And GoT. You know who you are!

The Shine Project State Charms - If you are a blogger and unfamiliar with The Shine/Threads project, you are doing it wrong. These bracelets are gorgeous and well-priced. I was lucky to see them in person at a boutique, but I didn't buy one because I was incredibly indecisive. And they are created by at-risk youth to help them raise money for college. They would be perfect for your sisters, cousins, or out of state besties.

Coralie Couture Gemstone Bracelets - THE DEAL OF THE SEASON. I bought a ton of these. She will customize your bracelets to your liking. And they are dainty and gorgeous. AND proceeds from her sales will go to purchase items for Toys for Tots. Perfectly sized stocking stuffers!

The Study of Change T-shirt (aka the Walter White head) - Why no, I am not over this show ending. I came across this shirt on Threadless and wanted to buy 10 of them. A seriously cool design. And if you are looking for other pop culture/geek/science/internet related t-shirts or posters, Threadless is your jam.

Los Pollos Hermanos apron - I DIED. This is just hilarious. I guess this would be for the Breaking Bad lover that has everything? Also, once you reach Think Geek, you will never leave. For the geeks in your life, TG is your one stop shop. 

I do have a ton of other favorites, but I actually purchased them and didn't want to give away any secrets. SECRETS. But really, I hope this helps with some of your Christmas shopping (if you are still shopping and if you haven't started you should just give up now). And if anyone wants to buy me a Shire candle I totally won't be mad.

guidance to giving.

If you follow me on twitter (wink, wink) then you already know this about me...I LOVE GIFT GUIDES. I have looked at approximately 67 and a half different gift guides and purchased approximately zero things from them. Online window browsing is my life. Guides for a girl. Girlie girl. Manly Man. Techie Man. Your Bestie. Your Coworker. YOUR MOM. You get the point.

But each of these amazing guides I've seen have one thing in common: EXPENSIVE ASS SHIT. Now listen, I absolutely love and adore the people I buy gifts for or else they would receive a pile of jmeoww's shit. However, I am a shopper on a budget, you know? Oh, you don't know? SEE YOU IN ANTHROPOLOGIE THEN. I'll be in the clearance section.

For those of us on a budget, we all know we are not going to buy the $80 candle or $120 mittens that I have seen on multiple lists (maybe I am exaggerating). Because who the hell wants those things anyways? Beyond the bougie folk, I mean. But if you want to send me an $80 candle I won't be mad.

Now to be fair, I did put a $24 candle on my wish list (not pictured because it looks like a candle) but it is from New Orleans and therefore exotic and not something I would purchase myself.

So what would a girl on a budget ask for? SO GLAD YOU ASKED. Because what kind of gift guide connoisseur wouldn't make one of her own?

Dayton blouse / Mossimo Supply Co. tall boots / Pendant necklace / Tartan plaid scarve / Sonia Kashuk makeup brush / Drinkware / Katy Perry Killer Queen Eau de Parfum / TOMS Metallic Silver Herringbone 

Yes, this is basically my pinterest board made into a remedial collage. But you get the point. And don't you dare judge me for my deep love of Katy Perry's perfume like my "friends" did in Ulta the other night. Granted, I did spray most of the bottle all over myself. I smelled like a goddamned queen.

But what about gifts for others, oh goddess of gift guides? How kind of you. And since you asked, check back on Monday for more guidance to giving!

the jmeoww diaries: v.12

Well, hello there! Long time, I know. We are beyond overdue for this edition of JMD and while the Queen Beast and I were brainstorming we came up with nothing! Nothing monumental, you see. She has become increasingly more lovable and cuddly. STOP THE PRESSES. Right? You see now why I have no blog content. However, she still has and always will have her evil tendencies. And her hilarious moments. So here are a few notable ones that occurred over the past few weeks:

The love of her life, Justin, bought her a house (so he could put away the plastic storage bin she had proclaimed her land). Her very own house aka the new base of attack operations. Shortly after the house purchase, I received a new purse in the mail that came in OMG A BOX. With tissue that made REALLY FUN TISSUE BALLS. Which means I won the house wars. Until I went out of town for a minute and Justin threw the precious box away. Like the devil himself.

HEAVENS.

Once she decided that said house was acceptable and totally not scary, she started sleeping on the cozy spot on top of it and my heart exploded into a million and one thousand pieces. Guys, when your cat has chased your naked ass through the living room trying to make you bleed, the quiet and sweet moments are much more meaningful.

We also sleep here. We sleep a lot.

She stole my cuddle spot. What the fuck are you even talking about, Tiffany? Okay, bear with me on this one. When we go to bed at night, I always curl up in the same spot on Justin. GROSS BARF, I KNOW. I will give you a minute to recover from our disgusting adorableness. One night as I was ipadding and pinning all of the things as usual, she jumped up on the bed like she always does for aggressive nighttime cuddles. Except she didn't come and stand all 15 pounds of herself on my delicate sternum like she always does. No. Instead, she went straight for the cuddle spot and stretched out all fucking proud. I WAS APPALLED. But also hysterically laughing because of her smug little expression. She laid there for about 4 total minutes (which is about 2 minutes longer than her normal cuddle sesh) and the entire time kept looking at me over her shoulder, like "SEE. SEE THIS?" Yes, animal. I see that you remain as the dominant being in our relationship.

She proved the Japanese wrong. And continues to do so. I can call her name from another room and she comes right to me and jumps up for some brief cuddles. Shit, she hears my car beep when I lock it and walk upstairs and she is at the door like a proud puppy ready to greet me. THEY CARE, JAPAN.

And like the stereotypical feline that she is when she thinks no one is looking, she has taken up her holiday residence underneath the Christmas tree. MY HEART. You guys, it is so fucking cute. Until we go to bed and hear the gentle rattle of ornaments and run out to catch her staring at the shiny balls on the floor like they are the most special treasure we have ever given her. The tree has been up for 5 days. She has knocked off 5 ornaments. And she is so happy about it. She just loves the tree we gave her.

Like a goddamned Christmas card.

I know. You try successfully photographing an all-black cat and report back to me. Better yet, those of you with an elf on the shelf — replace said elf with this photo and tell those damn kids that JMEOWW IS WATCHING.

That might be the best idea I've ever had. Look out, Christmas 2014. Jmeoww on a shelf, coming to a store near you! 

A Poem About Me.

I have so many things to say about this.

So. I shamed my mom into actually decorating her tree, rather than put generic ornaments on it like a goddamned heathen. So she dug out this treasure as payback and when I get up there on Christmas Eve it better be front and center.

English was my second choice of major in college, so let's deconstruct this "Poem."

Tiffany likes Tiger-striped cats. This is not false, in fact I had several later in my childhood (several because my older sister kept running them over...on accident...allegedly). Why couldn't I just choose tigers? Because I was gifted.

Italian food is her favorite food. Also true, however the only Italian food I ate at this age was noodles and butter.

Fantasia is her favorite movie. False. But it was probably the only movie I could think of that started with "F."

Fishing is her favorite sport. Was it? Kind of. I used to go along with my dad. Can't say I did any of the actual fishing things, but I still went. Also, unclear whether this is a sport....

Alaska is her favorite state. My favorite state that starts with "A," obviously. It has polar bears. Why wouldn't it be one of my faves?

Nutcracker is her favorite story. I don't even know.

Yucca Valley is her favorite place to go. Because I haven't yet been to Yellowstone, obviously. Or Yugoslavia. Yemen?

In conclusion, I'd really like to know the point of this poetry assignment. To make me out to be such a liar? It certainly wasn't to work on my smizing or the art of the open-mouth smile. But I glued the shit out of that macaroni. I sure did.

Some things will never change.

At the risk of my cousins disowning me, this is happening. And I am peeing myself over it. This post was very much inspired by two of my favorite fashionistas, Michelle & Alissa.

Girls dominated our generation so our mothers took it upon themselves to made sure we matched as much as possible, and that we were as flammable as possible. And Granny had the honor of purchasing our matching dresses each year. I don't know who had the honor of crimping my hair, but I do know who cut my bangs and she will be hearing about this very soon. YES, MOM. I'm talking to YOU. 

I die for those tv trays.

Here is a group shot, with my cousin Jamie dressed like she was in The Crucible. It appears as though we were singing until Jessica had a meltdown. This one is my favorite because you can only see those spectacular bangs of mine. And also because Mandy is still singing. She was always the most committed to our group performances. And I always tried to hide behind her hair.

Matching pajamas were incredibly vital to Christmas eve. And as you can see, as the only boy in our generation, my cousin Jesse had a lot to deal with. But that didn't stop him from sporting a Hulkamania jacket at all times and by ending our group singing performances with the splits.

And because we believe in tradition above anything else, we still sport the matching pajamas on Christmas eve.

And as you can see, of all of the things my mother has taught me cutting my own bangs stuck the most.

A Very Meowwy Christmas.

Welcome, one and all, to a very special holiday edition of The JMEOWW Diaries. Life has been incredibly crazy and overwhelming as of late, so what could be better than some ridiculous cat photos full of holiday cheer?

Cats and Christmas go hand-in-hand. Like bunnies and Easter. Jack and coke. Water and electricity. All my cat ladies out there, you know what I mean. The trees, decorations, wrapping paper, tissue paper, bows, electrical cords. We are creating a winter wonderland for our little furry friends. And while I find it hilarious, it is quite destructive and annoying. This was us last year:

I eventually gave up at just let her occupy the tree and destroy the ornaments. It was too much, and also hilarious. This year she has been much, much better. Probably because she is a fat and too big for our fake tree. Also because since moving in with her boyfriend she has developed some actual manners. She hates to disappoint her Justin, she really does.

Although I miss the giggles that come along with tree destruction, we still have Kousin Khloe to fill that hole in our lives:

And if it wasn't for this, I'm sure my sister would've sold her to the gypsies by meow:

I told you she was crazier than me. But you know who is even crazier?

The owner of this little shithead. This little ocicat has been harassing me via text lately. How, you ask? He has an extra toe. Obviously.

And with that, I think this counts as my first random Wednesday...

Bricks & Bottles

Justin's birthday was technically Thursday but as he found out, in my world birthdays last a week. Because when my special day comes along, we celebrate like it's Hanukkah. But with more than eight candles, obviously.

Happiness is VIP parking for Volvos. Not only are we elite,
but also the safest drivers on the road mofos.

So Saturday we went to Legoland. Now why would two grown-ass adults choose to go to a place that is clearly designed for children? Because I had free tickets. Because folks, my loving lovable boyfriend is a geek that enjoys all sorts of geekery including LEGO and Star Wars. It's okay, he knows. And, not to be outgeeked, Legoland features a SeaLife Aquarium which I was totally pumped to visit because they have a new CLAWS exhibit of freakish crabs that I peed my pants over. There was geekery for both of us. 

Japanese spider crabs. AKA BIG ASS CRABS.

This is the bad guy, right?

We spent most of our time in Star Wars miniland where Justin reverted back to, well every day of his life because it's a joy that has never gone away. I asked a million questions that I would probably know the answers to had I actually watched the movies instead of falling asleep. I also tried my hardest not to laugh too loud at the little kids that were geeking out at the same level that my beloved boyfriend was. It was definitely one of those relationship moments where you realize, this is now my life. And it was awesome.

We also spent a significant amount of time in the biggest gift store which Justin kept apologizing for but, hello. SHOPPING. Not a problem! They sell mini-figures in a surprise package so you don't know which one you are getting and because I'm a sucker for those types of things, we bought two of them. I ALWAYS end up with the dumbest option and get super pissed and vow never to buy a stupid grab bag item again. This time, however, Justin got the one that he wanted and I ended up with a bride. A BRIDE. I get it, Legoland. 

It wouldn't be a proper birthday celebration without beer, beer, and more beer so we stopped in The Lost Abbey on the way home (Inspired Beer for Saint & Sinners Alike. It's like it was made for us.) Unknown to us, The Lost Abbey was having it's annual Christmas in July celebration. Meaning, SANTA! Meaning we had to pay to get in, but we were still able to enjoy some amazing brews and of course choose a couple to take home. Which of course, I am drinking right now and blogging in between Star Wars episodes IV-VI. Or as Justins calls it calls it, The Best Birthday Ever. 

I call this, "The Drunken Elf."
Attractive, I know.

Two of the best beers I've ever tasted.

Linking up with the lovely ladies of Join the Gossip, Sami's Shenanigans, and five30three for their weekend update bloghop.