allergies on allergies.

I used to make fun of people who cited "Seasonal Allergies" as a medical concern on health history forms. And now I am suffering from them worse than I ever have. SERVES ME RIGHT.

A few weeks ago I whined about my heart palpitations and how they were making me majorly cray-zay. Like holy shit I am going to die at any moment now, crazy. Well, lucky for you I am still here. And through the power of SCIENCE! and EXPERIMENTATION! Justin and I have narrowed down the cause of my "condition." I am allergic to allergy pills (Claritin and Zyrtec, so far). How that is even possible or fair, I have yet to find out.

I have been taking benadryl at night so that I can sleep and wake up with the ability to breathe without sounding like Notorious B.I.G. and it turns me into a complete moron the next day.

Which is a really long way of saying that I don't have a post for you today. Just a really long excuse why I don't have a comprehensible post. Because I am allergic to SEASONS and also the medication to treat them.

However. HOW-EVER. Thursday, as in this Thursday two days from now I have something big for you guys. Something (that doesn't involve a white dress or my uterus) that will change your life and the world of blogging forever. So if you'll excuse me now, I'm going to crawl back in my benadryl haze and continue pretending to be a dragon.

Whoopsies.

Hi there. Consider this a fail post. I was too busy drinking all of the wine at a wine tasting party and eating all of the cheese at said party to do a proper Friday summary for you. So instead, I present you this:

That spectacular photoshop job was done by none other than Justin, available for hire! Come to think of it, he should've photoshopped his head over Christoph Waltz, because I mean that is how those two roll. 

Be kind to each other, yea? Cheers to the weekend!

milestones.

Late night conversations are my favorite. Exhaustion, muscle fatigue...I know where your head is going and omg get a room. I've been kicking my ass trying to get ready for a teeny dress, okay? So by 10 pm I can't feel my legs and I can barely make sentences. The thing is, I'm really bad at anniversaries. Lucky for Justin, most of the time...

me: Tomorrow is our anniversary! Our month anniversary!

Justin: Month?

me: Monthly. Months. You know, Monthly.

Justin:...(still not getting it...probably contemplating my use of the word monthly and bracing himself for some sort of period talk).

me: 9 MONTHS! OUR NINE MONTH ANNIVERSARY!

Justin:....ohhhhh–

me: It's like a BABY! Our relationship baby has been birthed!

Justin:......

me: Can we name is jmeoww?

Justin: Or would it be born when we started dating making it turn 1 in May? Now I'm confused.

me: OBVIOUSLY NOT. You impregnated me with your love!

And then it just stopped because sometimes he knows there is no winning with me and these intelligent thoughts of mine. Which is why I keep him around.

Awards Season!!!!

Yes, yes indeed I just shouted that. Because I fucking love awards season. And yes, it was necessary to swear. I barely tuned in to the Golden Globes because our damned cable hasn't been installed yet and I assumed we didn't have the proper channel BUT WE DID. Although I missed the red carpet, I quickly caught myself up and gave my amateur opinions on things that do not matter in the grand scheme of the world. But OMG LUCY LIU. Sorry, she just walked on stage to present and I died all over again. Has she no stylist?

Yes, awards season is full of opulence and unnecessary clammering over movies that 10% of the world saw that cost millions to produce staring people who get paid millions to do what they love. But I CAN'T GET ENOUGH.

The dresses. My god the dresses. I would even wear that Lucy Liu monstrosity if given the opportunity.  And I get emotionally wrapped up in acceptance speeches like I've personally experienced the trials and tribulations that these people have. And please, Anne Hathaway. Let's not act like life is hard for you. Above all things, Anne, you can even pull off that haircut. So congratulations, but stop it.

And did we see Bill Clinton? I mean, come on! It doesn't get better.

And now I'm not even paying enough attention to spot my man, Daniel Day Lewis. So forgive my passion-rant about awards season. But JMEOWW and I will be glued to the couch all season. Yes, her too. She is currently sitting on my chest between my face and my laptop. And believe me, she died over J.Lo's dress too.

That Katy Perry is full of Sh*t.

California girls do not have it so easy. At least those of us with suspected poor circulation. I am diagnosing myself as such because it is currently 72 degrees inside (59 degrees outside) and I am wearing a scarf. And I am breaking one of my own personal rules by wearing socks with my Toms. What I'm trying to say here is that I am freaking freezing.

I even went and sunbathed in the doorway for a while. And, get this. I went for a walk outside in the sunshine.

Nope. Still freezing.

And don't you think for a second that I didn't count that walk on My Fitness Pal. It counts!

I'm not allowed to drink coffee to warm up because my trainer (whom you will be hearing much more about) told me that the amount coffee that I normally drink makes me take a dump....in energy...and that is why I struggle through the afternoons. And he hesitated when he said it just as I typed it and it was incredibly hard not to giggle like an eleven year old.

And I do believe that the point of this entire post was to tell y'all that coffee does in fact make you take a dump. IN ENERGY. Sickos.


Random Wednesdays with Because Shanna Said So

Two conversations with a case of the Mondays.

Number one: Trying to get some new flea medications for the meoww. Before I lose my mind again.

Me: Hi, I'd like to see if I can come in to pick up some new flea medication.
Vet asst: Yes.
Me: Okay. What kinds do you have, or do you have any recommendations? I bought some from petco but I don't think it worked right.
VA: Yea we have some.
Me: Is it frontline, or something else?
VA: Yea.
Me: Is there anything else I should try? I'm still finding fleas on her.
VA: You could do that.
Me: So can I come in this afternoon to pick something up?
VA: I'm not understanding what you said.

And then my head exploded.

Number two: Trying to coordinate responsibilities for a baby shower, which is becoming quite overdramatic. Over gchat:
Me: Hi, I saw that you called me but I'm in the office. Do you have time to chat on here for a bit?
Other shower planner: Yes.
Me: Okay, well did you get my email?
OSP: Yes.
Me: Alright, well does that sound okay to you?
OSP: That's what I wanted to chat about.
OH MY GOD ARE WE NOT CHATTING RIGHT NOW?
Me: So you prefer to have me call you later then? I can't until this evening because I'm in the office.
OSP: I can chat whenever.

I quit.

The FACE.

I can't even tell you how many times I've heard the following phrases:

"Smile!" or something seemingly more clever to the person making the statement.

"Do you feel okay?" or some variation of that.

"Having a bad day?" which I would never answer yes to anyways so why are you asking STRANGER DANGER! 

To the above questions and many more, here is my perpetual answer:

"It's literally just my face."

Sometimes I try to get all lady gaga clever with statements of being born this way and how hard it is to live a life looking perpetually pissed off. But you know what? It isn't. If anything it's entertaining as hell because it always keeps people guessing. And also encourages them to mind their own business. It does, however, get me marked as "snotty" and yes "bitchy," which is only true sometimes. I just like to think that I have so much going on in this genius brain of mine that I don't have time to worry about having a phony smile pasted on my face at all times.

Source: blog.krisatomic.com via Tiffany on Pinterest 

Quite possibly my favorite example of THE FACE in action can be seen in the photos below. Because seriously, how could we not be happy in that moment? We were paying attention, thank you very much.

Intense listening faces.

I smile on command very well, as do my friends.

Right? So remember, next time you encounter someone that may not look pleased, they are happy on the inside. Or their dog died. Either way, it's probably best that you don't even ask and just move on with your day.

I'm sure Jessica is a nice woman...

I was going to write an entire post about my hair and how I am growing it out and how it is making me crazy, but I decided to spare you such boredom. Long story short: In 2009 I wanted to be Victoria Beckham. In 2012 I am still paying for that.

CASE IN POINT.

The extreme emotional trauma that growing out my hair is causing me reminded me of the times that I wore Jessica Simpson hair extensions (pre-posh cut, mind-you. This was circa 2007). I'd like to send out a huge thank you to all of those who let me do so without telling me how awful they looked. SERIOUSLY, you guys? I'm going to hold on to this forever and one day when your hair looks awful and you say, "Why didn't you tell me?" I'm just going to walk away shouting "JESSICA SIMPSON!" One day when you need help fixing your hair for an important event? JESSICA SIMPSON! And you're going to be all, "What does she have to do with anything?" and I'll say, "Did she really name her baby girl Maxwell?" And then I will forget about the extensions and move on with my life.

Also, if you are going through an awkward growing out phase with your hair as I am, Confessions of a Hair Stylist will save you. Jenny posts very easy-to-follow tutorials and once my hair is about a half an inch longer I think I can totally master some of them!

My missing childhood

Because it's Friday and because I am only halfway through a multitude of jam-packed weekends and because my boyfriend is meeting most of the rest of my family this weekend, I am going to give you guys an opportunity to verbally abuse me. Does that make any sense? Does it matter?

Here is why. I was raised in a cave. Mom, I know you are reading this and I would apologize but this is entirely your fault. How I grew up to be such a well-rounded human being is practically a miracle considering what I missed out on. What the hell am I ranting about?

Here is a list of culturally significant movies that I have not seen (or seen in their entirety), in no particular order:

The Goonies

The Neverending Story

Willow

The Princess Bride

Labyrinth

Dark Crystal

A Christmas Story

Raiders of the Lost Ark (or any Indian Jones movies)

Ghostbusters

Stand by Me

Weird Science

Beetlejuice

Fright Night

Evil Dead 1,2 and Army of Darkness*

Rocky. All of them.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

The Terminator movies

Robocop

The Matrix

Lord of the Rings 

Harry Potter

The Bourne series

Firefly & Serenity*

Okay, okay. The last few there are my fault as I was probably old enough to choose to watch them myself. I suspect I was too scarred from my childhood to not even think about watching them. Thankfully my boyfriend cares enough about me to make up for the severe lack of cinematic culturization I experienced as a child. We have already conquered the original Star Wars trilogy, Alien, and Aliens.

I hope you all will continue to accept me in your lives. I understand how different I am, and I am working through it one day at a time.

*As deemed culturally significant by the boyfriend.

Only almost a month later...

So all the way back in July Leeann of Join the Gossip tagged me in a random facts post which is stupid because she's known me since 7th grade. But for the rest of you who haven't, I will take this opportunity to give you 10 random facts about me, answer 10 questions, and then tag people because I like to put people on the spot.

Facts.

1. I am a recovering diet soda addict. I broke my habit of about 4 a day to about 3 a week. All thanks to my lovely boyfriend who convinced me I WAS GOING TO DIE. Diet Cherry Pepsi was my weapon of choice.

2. I dislike birds. Clarification: most birds. Penguins don't count. Especially penguin chicks. Other birds, absolutely disgusting and awful.

3. I'm 5'11. That's a huge bitch.

4. Chuck Palahniuk is my favorite author. David Sedaris is a close second.

5. I have 3 sisters, 2 of which are twins.

6. Laughlin, Nevada is one of my favorite places to travel and I love going with my parents. So that Mom and I can sit at a blackjack table for hours on end and get completely shwasted AND win money.

7. I modeled for a hot minute in my early 20s but I was too fat. Not my words, but a size 4-6 was considered plus-size and well I'm not really a fan of exercise.

8. I don't eat seafood. ANY. No, not that kind either. I KNOW IT TASTES GOOD, to you. I get it.

9.  I love football. Chargers, naturally.

10. The only places I've traveled outside MERICA are in Mexico. So, so much more to do.

Questions.

1. What is your profession? I work as a writer in the Education & Conservation Department at SeaWorld. It's a long explanation, but if you ask I'll tell you more!

2. How would you describe your style? I once told my boyfriend that I was "Target Snotty." Meaning I like to look nice, but I like to do it on a budget. Big accessories, bright shirts, tight jeans. That's me.

3. What one makeup product can you not live without? Does chapstick count? Then chapstick.

4. If you could be besties, with one celebrity who would it be? Chelsea Handler. Read her books, immediately.

5. What is your dream vacation? Laughlin. Just kidding. Somewhere tropical, relaxing, and all-inclusive. I can't be picky. Beggars cant be choosers. Except I don't want to get murdered so maybe I should be more selective.

6. What magazines do you subscribe to? What? People still do this? Okay, I do still get Glamour but that's because it was a gift subscription. And my bestie gives me a crapload of magazines that her grandma subscribes to. I appreciate grandma's free Vogue mags.

7. If you could have any special talent what would it be? Contortionist. Seriously though, I'm the least flexible person I know. Which is sad because I've always wanted to be a gymnast. Imagine realizing at a young age that you would be too tall to accomplish your dreams. Cry with me, internet.

8. What is your favorite breakfast food? CHEESE DANISH. Not a food, I realize.

9. What is your dream job? Being a regular on SNL. Kristen Wiig changed my life, y'all. She's so talented and it is absolutely inspiring.

10. What is your guilty pleasure? PBR. Tall cans. I think I just won at life.

Now, for the tagging. Because I've seen a lot of posts of this type lately, I will spare some of you and only tag two of you: Kathrin of Shop.School.Sleep & Emily of Nerd Love 101.

Imma touch your buttons...

So two months ago I started this blog. And I've learned some things, but not nearly enough. Here is what I have learned so far:

• You blogging bitches are awesome and hilarious and constantly inspiring me to want me to write more and better. MORE BETTER.
• I don't dress nearly cute enough and my hair is not nearly long enough to make a bun.
• There is not enough time to read all of the blogs I follow each day and still have a normal life. There's never any time! 

• Blogging is WORK. Reading, commenting, reading and responding to comments, tweeting, entering giveaways (haha!), finding more and more wonderful bloggers to follow. I'm EXHAUSTED.
• I had a mental list of nice things to say and then I forgot.

Overall I have learned that I don't know what I am doing. YET. So, in the spirit of not knowing what the hell I am doing, I made a button. It's not the fanciest button in the world, but I love it (until I decide on a damn blog design...). That said, I will be grabbing your buttons. I know there is supposed to be some official button swap or something to that effect where we hold hands and spin in a circle and on the count of three make a wish and trade buttons. But that is all a part of the stuff I don't get yet, and the stuff I'm not sure I care if I get or not. The thing is, I just really like you guys and I want to touch your buttons. Too much too soon? Deal with it.