Who wants an iPad mini?

Hi Wittle Kitty-Ittles...my name is Alissa and I take care of things over at Graceless Lady. Tiff Gee asked me to do a guest post for her, and since she spends her days talking me off a ledge, I couldn't say no.

One of my finest moments.

I'm here today to give you some advice about blogging. I know, I know, I should be charging you peasants for this, but I'm feeling nice, so here it goes.

1. To gain followers, you must host giveaways.

Bitches love free shit! I don't know where some of these girls get their giveaway prizes from, but if you can secure an iPad or iPad mini, I can assure you, people will go crazy over it. Here's the catch - don't expect any of these new followers to care enough to stick around for non-giveaway posts. Ain't nobody got time for that!

2. Charge people for everything.

From this moment on, do not tweet/retweet/follow anyone on Twitter without charging them at least $5 first. If anyone asks if it's okay to mention you in one of their posts, make sure you're receiving royalties for every page view. In fact, if you can figure out a way to charge people in order to be able to view your blog, you could make hundreds.

3. Have an Army of Skanks.

It gets pretty rough out there in Blogland, so make sure you have a few girls who will defend you no matter what. Faithful skanks are easy to identify. They are the girls who will email you right away if they find a post that might be about you. Then, once you comment on said post, they will follow up with an, "Amen!" But be careful - you don't want anyone trying to take your place as Queen Bee.


Well, kiddles, I hope you know that I'm kidding with you. Please don't do anything that I mentioned, especially charge people for (or pay for!) blog advice. None of us went to college and majored in blogging, therefore none of us should be paid to tell you that being yourself is the best way to go.

Also, here's a thought - learn HTML. It's really not that difficult and if you spend a few minutes on Google, you will find bloggers who teach you how to design blogs FOR FREE. Or, if you're really that lazy, email me and I'll send you the links to the sites I've used.

Tiff, thanks for letting me take over for the day. You owe me $75

you asked for it.

Day 22 - Rant about something. Are you sure you want to tell me to do that? Okay....



The blogging community is fucking stupid.
Well holy shit. I went there. 
When I started this little blog of mine (<-- how many times have you read that exact phrase?) I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew is that I wanted to write and tell stories. And then I learned about FOLLOWERS and SPONSORS and GIVEAWAYS and I was like, holy shit I am clearly doing this wrong! I don't even have a proper bun! So I drank the koolaid. Out of a mason jar, naturally. I tried my hand at giveaways. I wanted followers, damn it! Those numbers on my sidebar meant everything to me. 

Look over there now. Yea, I deleted that shit. And even though I see it when I log into blogger, it doesn't define my blog. The stories I write define my blog and it will continue to be that way. I have officially hopped off the bandwagon.
Here is my favorite example of blogwagoning: When Google announced that they were banishing Google Reader to the depths of internet doom, the entire blogging community simultaneously shit their pants. HOW WILL PEOPLE FOLLOW ME NOW? Through Blogger. No seriously, through Google Friend Connect. No really, it isn't going away yet. 
But not one single person said that. Because one person shouted JOIN BLOGLOVIN from the rooftops of blogville everyone did. Are there better options? Absolutely. But because the blogging community listens to those that have more followers because obviously they know everything, there was only one option and that is where the Bloglovin' monster came from.
Bloggers don't think for themselves. They do what is popular — what will get them the most pageviews or followers. It is as simple as that. They will write a SUPER DARING POST or a SUPER SILLY POST and really put themselves out there. This said "community" celebrates mediocrity and there is far, far too much ass-licking going on. And then I said ass-licking on my blog.
No, there aren't any rules to blogging. But you should aspire to stand out. You should aspire to be different and to make a difference. Be known for something other than what you wore or how many times you went to Starbucks. 

I'm not trying to abandon the few readers that I have, because I do appreciate those of you who read my madness. And comment. And share your stories back with me. That is the part of blogging that I love, and what really keeps me going. That, and all of the Russians that contribute to my stats. Hi, Russians!
I do my best to share parts of my life that I find entertaining. I try my damnedest to be original and I will continue to support the friends I do have in this community. I promise you I will always be genuine. Always.

blove.

Bloggers have this habit of combining words and I'd call it annoying but I do it too. And nothing I do is annoying, hence the birth of the word BLOVE. Blove represents Blog Love and I have so, so much of it. And because I have such a deep and mildly creepy love for so many of you on a personal level, this is hard you guys! Please feel free to slay me in the comments.
Day 19 - 5 of your favorite blogs and what you love about them.



A girl, A Story, A Blog.

Like I could even think about not including this lady when she is the reason I am participating in this madness at all. Have you met Shay? Go now. Go read her extraordinary posts that will make you laugh, take your breath away, and break your heart — sometimes all at once. She is brave. She is beautiful. And she rocks those headscarves like a mofo. 

Because Shanna Said So

This fiesty little lady is one of the few fashion bloggers I religiously follow. Her style is flawless and at times daring, but on a normal-ass budget. She has inspired me countless times to look through my closet and combine things I normally wouldn't. And I recently found out that even my older sister follows her on instagram. Basically, Shanna is MAJOR.

Dysfunctional Ever After

As a longtime blog-reader, I know that I really like a blog when I think that I would read it if I wasn't part of the blogging community. Samm has that kind of blog. She's not cliquey. She posts on a variety of topics. She's funny and can be serious when she needs to be. And you guys, she pays attention to current events which wins my heart in such a serious way. AND. And if I didn't stalk Samm, I wouldn't have ever found my souldrunk, Shangin.

Little White Whale

It is no secret that I have an online window-shopping problem and Gloria totally feeds that addiction! I don't know how she finds these items, but her gift guides and Friday's Grab Bags are the definition of fabulousness. 

Sillygrrl

This is my go-to site for blogging/design tips and when I develop the patience to design or code for myself, I will definitely be purchasing Sarah's book. She also wrote one of my favorite posts of all time, How to get off the blogging bandwagon. READ IT. ALL OF YOU. Also, as if she needs to be more fabulous, she quit her job and freelances AND joined the circus. What an inspiration!

f{b}otw

Right now, at this exact moment, my heart feels like a dying fish flopping around in my chest. You are so welcome for that mental image. This has been going on since last Monday and I am probably going to lose my mind because of it (which could also be the root of the problem — HI ANXIETY! I feel you!). Yes, I am investigating into this matter. Yes, I understand you have once had persistent heart palpitations too and that your neighbor's grandma did as well. Sorry, I am a little grouchy because you know, HEARTBEAT.

Let's get to business. Favoriteeeee.......

NONE. You know why? Because while I am fairly caught up on blog reading and there were many amazing posts, I was so distracted by the damn circus of shit that went down that I wasn't keeping track of what I was reading. And while I was greatly entertained by all of the shit that was thrown into a fan, it made me really grateful for the choices I have made as a blogger. I am here to write, and also to make some amazing friends. Greed breeds crazy and I want none of that. If my blog is going to make me famous it will be because of my skills. My bowhunting skills, obviously.

85% of you voted that I buy the dress, and fine okay I will buy it! Really, I just needed encouragement to splurge. If I could I would send you all a dress. 

I won't even elaborate on this. It is perfect.

"Ugh, don't ruin a hilarious comment by apologizing." --Jemima Kirke's advice to aspiring humorists

— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham)April 11, 2013

And there you have it. What were your favorite moments this week?

Cheers to the weekend!

f{b}otw

I could not be more behind on blog reading this week, you guys. March Madness, my life not the tournament, got me all screwy and I am desperately trying to get my shit together. Stick with me, yea? K great, thanks.

I really need to add an "s" to that header...But anyways, such life-savvy ladies this week!

Angi shows us how to make a personalized iPhone button.

Christina shows us how to change your no-reply status and ditch word verification, which OMG DO THIS NOW PLEASE.

Stephanie shows us many uses of baking soda, salt, & vinegar. If only I could get her to do these things in my apartment, we would be golden.

Question: Do y'all reply to every single comment you get? Sometimes I feel like a broken record. I love and appreciate every comment, but if my responses ever seem half-hearted I would be sad about it, you know? I don't ever want to become one of those people. 

Kelsey's comment made me feel a little bad for Shannon & Jes because I gave her such good bachelorette party advice! (you can't hear me, but I am evil laughing). You're welcome, ladies. Just stay away from Magic Erasers.

I told Shannon last f{b}otw that I couldn't play favorites with her, but shit if this bitch isn't hysterical. Do yourself a favor and follow her on the twatter. I held back and only chose one. 

And there we have it. What else did I miss this week in bloggity blogville? That was for you, Shay.

Cheers to the weekend!

f{blank}otw

Hello, and thank you for joining me on the conclusion of THE LONGEST WORK WEEK EVER. I know this happens to all of us — when there is something to look forward to, we turn into a 4 year-old child screaming in the back of a van in peepants, "ARE WE THERE YET?" Hell yea we are, peepants child. We are at Friday.

You will see I was a bit indecisive this week. Call it pre-birthday-party-and-vacation-deficit-disorder. Or call it I've had two glasses of wine every night this week because it was my birthday week. Anywho. Let's get to it. My favorite blogger-related things of the week!

 Helene tells us what our nails say about us. BRILLIANTLY.

My dearest friend Traci gifted me an amazing caviar manicure set that I will be testing out tonight. If you hear loud swears, know it was definitely me trying to even paint my own nails, let alone decorate them.

Brhea enjoys "The Middle."

"I feel constant pressure to hurry up and get to the next stage in our lives." Yes, yes, and more yes. Thank you, Brhea.

Tuesday's post taught me that I am not alone in my quest to properly learn left from right. It also taught me that we all struggle to remain positive sometimes, and Michelle has some clever ways of encouraging herself. Also, do yourself a favor and watch some Kid President videos. Hilarious.

And finally, tweets of the week. Twotw, if you will. One of my favorite hoochies and amazing jewelry designer, Dana of Bloom and Inspire tweeted me to tell me I was the most proficient tweeters she knows. Well, heck yes I am. I love instant gossip and entertainment. And I also want to win some of her fabulous new jewelry (winky face!).  

Homegirl Staci had me rolling with this tweet about how Taylor Swift continues to become the most unbearable human in our existence, aka Hathaway 2.0. 

And just because they ended up on top of each other in my favorites feed, I kept these blog besties together. How much does Samm nail it on the head? And Shannon continues to tell the story of my life.

And there we have it, guys. And by now it is Saturday, right?