Cohabitating, strike one.

So this is going to be one of those posts in which I discuss lady parts and such because I feel so compelled to share one of my not so finer moments in life with you all. Since most of us freely discuss these things anyways. I'm looking at all of you at once.

As you all well know, I nearly died from a cold last week. Which involved sneezing. So much sneezing. I was also dying from PMS and the crying. So one night on the way home from work, I made the rash decision to just swing by Kohl's real quick because I had Kohl's cash I had to spend and not spending Kohl's cash is basically burning a $10 bill. I chose my item to purchase, stood in line, and began to sneeze. At least four, maybe 89 times. And as I'm having a sneezing fit, the worst thing ever happened.

I released the kraken.

But I wasn't going to get out of line because I was next and I didn't want to make a second trip to Kohl's because that would be ridiculous. So I very carefully shuffled to the register, paid, and ran out to my car. I sped the entire 3-minute drive home. Parked. Dropped my phone on the asphalt. Screamed. Ran upstairs. Opened the door, shouted "hi" to meoww because if you don't she gets really upset, and ran in the bathroom. Without shutting the door. 

What happens next almost changed/ruined my life forever.

As I am assessing the damage and mourning the potential loss of my favorite pants, I hear the front door open.

"Babe? BABE IS THAT YOU?"

I hear the familiar, "Oh hi jmeoww...."

And I scream, "HOLY SHIT I LEFT THE DOOR OPEN DON'T COME BACK HERE WHY ARE YOU HOME SO EARLY!"

And then my worst fear was that he thought I shit my pants. And also that he would find out that my body does lady things. Which, I mean, obviously.

Once I calmed the fuck down and tackled the crime scene clean-up, I was able to explain. Explain that sometimes a lady has no control over when the kraken will be released. And the sneezing? Well the sneezing just completely exacerbated an already precarious situation. If you use big words it will distract from everything else that is going on, I think.

The moral of the story: Shut the door, no matter what. Or: Don't stop at Kohl's on the way home from work anymore. Also: Cohabitating. It happens.

A monthly game.

Ladies. Allow me to talk about feminine bits for a minute here. Is there nothing worse than having to go to the store just to buy tampons? I know I'm not alone in this. Because when you realize you are in need, you have 4 choices. You can go to the corner liquor store. OR NOT. Why would you ever do that? They sell a 3 pack that is marked up 75% and it smells in there. Please don't do that. You can go to a drug store like CVS or Walgreens. But again, the markup is ridiculous and the only people that actually go to these places are senior citizens and they only go there for the free blood pressure machine. You can go to the grocery store, but who wants to buy feminine hygiene products from the same place you buy items that will go in your mouth? Or you can go to Target. Which I mean, come on. Do you really want to pay $120 for tampons? You know you will.

So when I forget to buy these very important products during one of my big Target stock-ups every other month, I then later find myself in the above situation and completely panicked. I choose to not go with ANY of those choices. I choose to scavenge.

That's right. Think about it. How many places do you keep tampons? I always find some that have fallen out of the box floating around the bathroom cupboard. Then there is the few in the bathroom drawer. Oh, and my purse! And then my backup purses. And probably my weekend travel bag. My car. My desk. Your desk. Just kidding.

Then I get all weird about it and make it a challenge. I will find EVERY PLACE that I have stashed tampons to challenge myself not to go to the store. This morning I found some in the bathroom drawer and totally cheered for myself. Yessssssss. It sure as shit looks like I won't be walking to the liquor store this week for tampons. Nope. Just for beer. I totally won this month.