the jmeoww diaries v.9

FANS. It has been far, far too long since you have officially heard from the Queen Beast. She misses you, she thinks. She isn't very familiar with emotions. She only knows that when I watch Downton Abbey she should leave the room so she doesn't have to witness my tears.

But I digress. Things are happening in Miss Meoww's fabulous life. Fame, wedding planning, vacations. So many things! Where shall we start?

Fame

Well, near-fame, to be more accurate. Her dearest Justin lovingly submitted her to a show called My Cat From Hell. Are you familiar? The title tells all. Hilariously enough, he got a call back and we were told to start filming her bad behavior immediately and submit as much footage as possible.

Jmeoww Consuela Gee. For your consideration.

I AM SERIOUS. We were going to be so TV famous! But something happened. Something confusing, but something very good.

She stopped being a complete asshole.

I swear on this blog that the night after the casting woman called Justin and we were poised and ready to film, she slept on the bar stool THE ENTIRE NIGHT. No whining for playtime during dinner. No biting of my feet under the dinner table. Not one ounce of blood was shed. HOW DISAPPOINTING IS THAT?

We knew, we just knew, that when she returned from her "vacation" we would have our old jmeoww back.

"Vacation"?

Well, kind of a vacation. As you may have seen through the social medias, our apartment was tented and fumigated for termites last week. OUR VERY OWN CIRCUS. Without all of the fun and child molesters. We made the painstaking decision to board jmeoww at her vet clinic, rather than keep her in the vacant apartment we would be staying in.

This was really our apartment. We are not Lakers fans, at all.

I. Was. Heartbroken. My poor little creature, all by herself in some sort of cage. Probably pooping herself, like she always does. And although we spent two restless nights on an air mattress that we had to wake up and fill every two hours because she had punctured it with her vicious claws, we missed our meow!

We were fully prepared to deal with severe boarding PTSD upon her return and planned to stay home so that we could sit and hold her paws while she recovered.

And then. And then she gave us another miracle from baby jesus on high.

SHE WAS FINE YOU GUYS! Okay, so she didn't eat for two days or leave her carrier while boarded, but she didn't try to kill anyone! When she got home we bathed her because we were unclear whether there may have been pants-pooping or not and after about 30 minutes of hiding she came out and was all, HEY GUYS WHAT DID I MISS?

We were shocked, and overjoyed. Okay, still a little peeved that we would NOT be on TV. But she was okay! She was better than okay...she's grown into a woman meow that can handle normal things! (With the exception of loud noises. That shit will never be tolerated.)

It has been nearly a week since her little journey and SHE COULD NOT LOVE ME MORE. There have been moments of extreme hyperactivity but our nights always end with aggressively LOVING cuddles. All up in my neck type of cuddles. I can't even handle it. If I giggle she gets embarrassed and leaves so I just have to sit there and take it while Justin laughs and probably in his head wonders what kind of crazy bitches he is marrying.

So what does this mean? Is this the end of crazy meoww stories? The end of the jmeoww diaries? Time will tell. Maybe once she gets over the relief of being home she will start being murdery again. But for now, my ankles are scratch-free and I am getting to experience what it is like to have an adorably cuddly cat. Even if it occurs at inopportune bedtime moments and lasts for 5 minutes or less. Totally worth it.