This one time...
- I severely injured my shoulder/neck trying on a wedding dress. Shit is dangerous. The first place that I went to completely dresses you. The place I tried last weekend, not so much. Also, my thighs. This combination led to me contorting my body in unnatural ways because I AM A SIZE 10 OKAY. Which led to a night filled with muscle relaxers and much whining.
- A few weeks ago, I threw my bridal party an initiation party in which I fed them fancy cheese and gave them tons of wine. I also gave them a brochure about being in my bridal party so that when they ask me questions I can say PLEASE REFER TO YOUR PAMPHLET.
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| Those flower girls? I might let them wear those dresses. They kill me dead. |
- I became completely enamored with Veep and Battlestar Galactica. Season 3 of BSG is giving me all the feels. And to recover from said feels we watch Veep so I can laugh for 30 minutes straight.
- Eastbound and Down came back for one final season. Enough said.
- I realized I am marrying one of those "fall people." Also possibly a "lifestyle blogger." This all started on a sunny afternoon in Manhattan Beach in which he was served beer in a mason jar and flipped his balls over it. And then all the pumpkin flavored things. If he starts hasthtagging fall and talking about sweaters and boots, I will not speak to him until winter. Lucky for him I am the best of the best so I give into making all of the pumpkin flavored things because that is practically all that exists at Trader Joe's. You need some regular flavored crackers? TRY THESE PUMPKIN ONES INSTEAD.
- At work today I said "nail colish polor" and realized that I may in fact be ill and that I should just go sleep for hours like my body is telling me to. I think that I may be ill because I have been depriving my body of all of the fattening and greasy and alcoholic goodness that it needs to survive. Why, you ask? See the first bullet point.
- And finally, because what with this blog be without a story about a cat and also farting...last night as jmeoww was doing her nightly aggressive cuddles, Justin spooked her when he stood up because that is so scary. This led to her digging her claws into my chest which caused me to flinch and release a fart, audibly, that I had been holding on to for dear life because I would rather die of bloating than fart in front of Justin. Because he laughed for ten minutes while I hid under a blanket and laugh-cried.
Close enough to 900, yea?
BSG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no other girl has loved BSG like me and the fact that you do MAKES ME LOVE YOU EVEN MORE.
ReplyDelete-kathy
Vodka and Soda
1. TIFF. The pamphlet! That is such a smart idea. I will do this when I never get married.
ReplyDelete2. JUSTIN. My man! Let's drink everything out of mason jars when I (hopefully. eventually.) visit. Except, EW. Pumpkin flavored drinks are the worst. Judging you for that.
3. re: "nail colish polor" ...I self-diagnosed myself with dyslexia a few years ago. Welcome to my world!
4. re: JMeoww and the bodily function that shall not be named...100% she knew what you were holding onto and pretended to be all scared just so you would ...you know... what a bitch.
Pumpkin beer is actually not one of my favorite pumpkin things, even out of a mason jar. But all the other ones. ALL the other ones, I love.
DeleteYOU WOULD pull a muscle trying on wedding dresses... please come to New York so I can take you to Kleinfeld's and launch you into television fame by being on 'Say Yes to the Dress'. Pretty please.
ReplyDeleteVEEP. LET'S TALK ABOUT IT FOR 3 HOURS.
Are the place settings at your wedding all going to include mason jars? If Justin is in charge of decor, that's probably a yes.
THAT MEOWW, always causing trouble!!! I apologize ahead of time, but I laughed by ass off at that story. SORRY. Lil rascal!!
Oh you released a monster.
ReplyDeleteVEEP is my life. I die over that show.
Why can't Trader Joe's stop smoking the pumpkin crack?
I love love love that you can refer people to a pamphlet.
First of all, HILARIOUS. I'm laughing in my pain (serious sinus pressure).
ReplyDeleteAudible farts mean true love. I try to hold mine in only while snuggling. Pha ha ha
Did you really make a pamphlet for them? That's brilliant.
I just recently drank my wine out of a mason jar. It was an okay experience. I felt weird doing it because I know it's so trendy but now that I think of it, I kind of liked it and want to do it again. Anyway, we have a bunch, because I just save them. I'm not sure why I save them. Maybe just maybe deep down inside I want to be down home and country. I don't know what I just confessed, it was the pain talking. Anyway, glad to see you back.
I think I had the least painful experience wedding dress shopping of all time. It was the 4th or 5th dress I tried on, and I was like, "Yup. This is is."
ReplyDeleteI don't do pumpkin. At all. Except MAYBE on Thanksgiving. Maybe.
"Nail polor colish" read completely normal to me the first five times. I couldn't figure out why saying that meant you needed more sleep. Maybe I sleed mome sore neep.
Jmeoww cannot be trusted. I'm with Alissa, she did it on purpose.
1) I miss Trader Joe's. I am one of those GIVE ME ALL THE PUMPKIN people. In my defense, I'd eat pumpkin crap year-round if it was available. Pumpkin pie in June? Yes please.
ReplyDelete2) I can TOTALLY relate to not wanting to fart in front of said significant others. 3 1/2 years of marriage and I *still* refuse to fart in front of Isaiah, although he makes up for it with his own...cannot relate to girls who think farting constantly in front of their man is hilarious...
3) FEEL BETTER SOON!!!!!
a) you used audibly again. thank you b) those farts that just come out when you are trying to hard to bottle them are the worst. c) I WANT TO HAND OUT PAMPHLETS FOR MY WEDDING.
ReplyDeleteThe pamphlet. I need this. What did you put in the pamphlet? I feel like this is a better way than me screaming at my sisters-in-law to be that no one is wearing an all lace dress.
ReplyDeleteyou know what would be embarassing...if you fart while trying on a wedding dress...please do that and then write a blog post on it :) hahahah omg I seriously need to learn to avoid your vlog during school hours becasue I had to bite my toungue to keep from laughing!! P.s.- did justin take instagram shots in didfferent filters and hashtage beer and mason jar and like 10 million other things? if so i needs to be his IG friend!!
ReplyDeleteOMG JMeoww, I'm dying. You should have blamed her, I seem to recall Justin claiming that cats can audibly fart!
ReplyDeleteYou WOULD have a pamphlet. You would.
oh my gosh i never fart in front of the fella so i know how you feel. the only time i have, i bent over to clean the kitty litter box and oops. awkward.
ReplyDeleteI'm dying over the pamphlet. that's the most genius idea ever. and yes trying on wedding dresses is hard. really hard.
ReplyDeleteTiffany you just made my night!
ReplyDeletePLEASE SHARE THIS PAMPHLET WITH THE CLASS.
ReplyDeleteHow does one pull a muscle trying on a wedding dress...I am intrigued. Also...the colish polor. I totally relate.
ReplyDeleteI love this blog! Thank you for taking the time to let me know more about this piece of your life! :)
ReplyDeleteDavid | Declawing Cats Lincoln, NE
I miss you! Blog more! I keep meaning to start Veep. I've heard great things. I hate pumpkin flavored anything. I saw pumpkin spice Eggo waffles at the grocery store. OVER IT! You know what else I hate? When people think it's cute to say "puNkin," It's not. You aren't three years old. Oh, your fart story. It reminds me of that episode of SATC. I have some major second hand embarrassment for you over here!
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up. Refer to the pamphlet. Hilarious!
ReplyDelete