Making card buying less painful.

Do you want to know something that I am really terrible at? Choosing greeting cards. I will take minutes upon minutes upon days browsing the aisles of Targ over and over until I give up and walk away with my head down.

Enter Cardstore. I can sit on my butt and browse until my heart is content, without giving dirty looks to children who are touching cards who we all know CAN NOT EVEN READ. Cardstore is the ultimate personalized greeting card store, and lucky for me their "funny" birthday cards are actually quite hilarious.

Although it still took me longer than a normal human to decide on a card, once I did the personalization process was so much fun and had my giggling at my desk like a total creep. Fonts, colors, photos, MORE CHOICES to make. But the card turned out beautifully and was a total hit with my friend. And the shipping process was faster AND cheaper than I expected (Hi, Shutterfly! I hope you are listening!).

So if you have card commitment issues like me, or just don't like going out in public in general, Cardstore is here for you. And they are awesome.

*FINE PRINT. Yes, I was given a free card to review.*

Whatever Wednesdays, Wednesday: Girl Code

This week on WHATEVER WEDNESDAYS the head bees in charge are talking about Girl Code. The idea came from a show that my best friend has been BEGGING me to watch. Like really begging me. And while I fully intend to, someday, I only have so much time in one day to watch everything that the Investigation Discovery channel has to offer me. 

I was nearly full-fledged rant yesterday but Justin was able to talk me off the cliff. It would've been a doozy of a post though. You can thank him for missing out on that. Luckily he reminded me that I don't really give a shit. Maybe a little shit, but not enough shit to let it rent permanent space in my head.
The moral of the story is — when something amazing is happening in your friend's life, you have to be happy for them. You just have to. I mean, you should be. But if something in your life is preventing you from even just being politely kind — I'm not expecting fucking cartwheels — then look at yourself and try to figure out what would even make you think negatively in the first place.
This isn't just girl code. This is human code.

Whatever Wednesdays numero tres: When would I live?

My fellow Losties will know this - it's not where you are, but WHEN you are. Listen, I was annoyed by it too.

The broads in charge of WHATEVER WEDNESDAYS ask, if you could live in a different decade what would it be and why?

I've thought a lot about this. At least for like 4 minutes or so. My mind immediately tells me the early 60s, think season one of Mad Men. Maybe like late 50s early 60s. Can my decades overlap? THEY ARE. Because repressed childhood issues and cheating husband aside, Betty Draper had it MADE. She didn't work. She drank all day and smoking wasn't bad for you OR your kids/unborn children yet. HER WARDROBE. And she could get away with being a bad mom (not insinuating that I would be a bad mom, but I mean...) because all of those issues that her children would grow up to have could totally be blamed on the numerous wars and civil rights issues that would occur in the later 60s and 70s. 
Why would I want to live as such a terrible person? Because I've never been a truly terrible person and I think it would be refreshing to have been a part of the time when "we didn't know any better."
Beyond Betty Draper, I've always had a deep and irrational love for all things mid-century and vintage kitsch. Throwback to my old apartment in which my best friend said, "this looks like my grandma's house and now I'm creeped out." Also known as, perfection.
Although I'm not entirely sure that I could've lived through the Kennedy era. Because I also have always had a deep and irrational love for all things Kennedy and once they started dropping like flies I would've lost it. What? TOO SOON? Also, Jackie O. One of my heros. To live during her time...I can't even.
So through all of this rambling of my brain, I guess I convinced myself of an answer. I would've been best fucking friends with Betty Draper herself, right before some of the most tumultuous times for our country and our culture. Before we knew any better.

I also hate birds.

what would yeezus do?

I realize that this post is beyond a few days late considering this news came out last week and is already so last year. However, I wanted to use the weekend to listen to Yeezus to make a fair and balanced assessment, Fox news style.

Although I am strongly suspicious that the act of listening to Yeezus on repeat is what caused my car to stop working, I loved it. First things first — this is not radio friendly music. At all. It is rough and dirty and sometimes a little harsh on the ears but in a strangely melodic way. Like a Bjork kind of way. What a comparison. But you probably aren't going to find yourself gleefully rapping along a la Two Chainz. Unless you've mastered the growl. Because there is growling. I love it. I also love the angelic voice of Justin Vernon (of Bon Iver) getting nastified. I have NO idea what his lyrics are, I just know they are not friendly. That unlikely pair? They make magic.

Kanye's last album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, is what completely changed my mind about him as an artist. I listened to his previous tracks on the radio but purchased this entire album because I was obsessed with "Monster." This album blew my mind and I listened to it on repeat for months on months. AND and it featured my hipster angel, Justin Vernon. And many other collaborations including the rap verse on "Monster" that in my mind put Nicki Minaj on the map and was probably her best work ever (FUN FACT! If you get me really drunk I can rap that for you).

via Vulture

I know that I am never ever going to convince you to like Kanye West. Ever. He is the man that everyone hates. Well, everyone except me. I find him extremely talented and intelligent, all while maintaining the knowledge that he is in fact probably a little bit crazy. Artists have never been known as the sanest people on our planet. One even cut his ear off. Some sleep in art museums for art. Others make music and live an incredibly outlandish and avant-garde lifestyle that we cannot relate to and don't understand how to begin to.

This. Was. Brilliant.

That is Kanye. Yes he picked on America's goddamned sweetheart and most of America will NEVER get over that (although it was incredibly well deserved and I loved every second of it and also it was the MTV awards so those don't really count). But at the end of the day, he is an artist so the crazy is okay. He pushes the boundaries and tries new things and GASP dares to be different.

via Vulture

Most importantly, the baby name? We make it our business although it is none of ours. And really, it wasn't the worst they could do. Can we give them some credit for at least spelling it right? Yes, this little girl will be brought up in the spotlight living the most lavish lifestyle imaginable. Did we think that Marie would suffice for a child as such? Maybe Kathleen? Come on people. They are celebrities, and we asked for it.

In conclusion, you may not like the man. You may not like his baby-momma (I certainly do not). But give the guy a fucking break okay? Until you come out with your groundbreaking rap album. Then you can speak.

Whatever Wednesday...are you kidding me with this?

My first kiss? This is what our fearless leaders came up with. Why this offends me more than "My First Time" is beyond me. I should write that down in a notebook somewhere and save it for therapy.

The problem is...I don't remember it. How terrible is that? I think it happened during a game of Truth or Dare at a friend's house after an 8th grade sleepover. 8th grade. Late bloomer, I know. I was painfully, painfully shy. And because I don't remember exact details, I imagine that I chickened out and took a dare. Because if I kissed a boy and any of my sisters found out about it, my life was over.
I also remember taking a dare to write something incredibly vulgar on my friend's driveway with a candle. SO YOU COULD ONLY SEE IT WHEN IT RAINED. I don't know where we got that information from, I just know that I don't think her parents ever forgave us.
At yet another sleepover with yet another game of Truth or Dare, my asshole friends dared the birthday girl's brother to kiss me. Which I TOTALLY chickened out of because he came at me with a mouthful of braces. His braces mixed with my braces definitely would've ended in a 911 call. I couldn't have that kind of scandal on my record. Also how is it fair that I have no choice in that situation? I didn't choose him. It was like low level sexual harassment at that party. Obviously I'm over it...
That is how insignificant that moment in my life was. And while it makes me a little sad that I don't remember my true first kiss, I remember plenty of other kisses. Although most of those led to mascara tears, snot bubbles, and residual pieces of my heart that would take years to repair. But as they say, you have to kiss a lot of toads, AM I RIGHT?
(Clearly I didn't know how to end this post. I apologize for that line up there.)