People of the Gym: Part 1

I promised myself I would not make fun of people at the gym. Do not make fun of people at the gym, Tiffany! They are bettering their lives, no matter how ridiculous they look!

I...can't....help...myself! And I would be denying you golden entertainment so really I am being a bad person for your benefit so you're welcome.

That said, our first star of PEOPLE OF THE GYM is a man whom I would like to refer to as Jim. And if that right there doesn't get me a book deal, I don't know what else you people expect from me.

Before I tell you about Jim at the gym, let me set the stage a little. We belong to a small gym in an ethnically diverse neighborhood. I'm not being racist when I say that most of the gym members are of Asian or Indian descent. IT IS A FACT, NOT RACIST. Imagine middle-aged women of these descents arriving for Zumba, belly-dancing, and various other classes that I am not coordinated enough to attend. Incredibly muscular younger Asian dudes that are really testing their genetically predispositioned frames. And a sprinkle of old white dudes that can't afford LA Fitness so they ended up here and really just walk in circles and put their legs up on things to have a nice chat.

Which brings us to Jim, a tall-ish and moderately dumpy older white man. Whom I'm sure is really nice in real life. I was minding my own business doing some seated rows when Jim appeared at the weight machine to my left. I believe it was a pull-down lat machine? I don't really know the names, I just know what they do.

What follows are the rules Jim follows when performing his lat pulls:

• Walk around in a circle as you approach the lat machine. Breathe loudly.
• As aggressively as possible and without fully sitting down, complete your set at lightning fast speed, making sure that the bar slams up into place when you are through.
• Jump up and do some more intense circle walking as you continue to breathe like a gorilla.
• Give the machine an intense and slightly rapey stare-down as you approach for your next set.
• Do more than the standard number of sets because YOU ARE SO SWOLL.
• When you are finished, don't even thinking about wiping the machine down because your sweat is the nectar of the gods.

And holy shit you guys I just realized who Jim really is...

Kenny. Fucking. Powers.

They are definitely at least brothers....cousins...

Anyways, I doubt that Jim intends to be so intense. It's just that he works really hard for his pasty, doughy body and he wants to get the most self-esteem out of any workout that he completes. And can we really fault him for that? I mean, yea, I guess I kind of am.

I haven't seen Jim this week, so I'm guessing either he dislocated his shoulder with his vigorous routine or he achieved his goals. So get well soon, Jim! Or congratulations!

Asserting dominance.

For the first time, in a long time, we will not be mentioning the "w" word here on this blog. No, we did not witness any unions this weekend, but we did go nonstop from Friday to Sunday. Justin's brother and fiance were in town, and it was nice to spend some quality time getting to know them a little better. And by quality time I mean watching the worst movie ever made and witnessing the brothers' Bane impressions until I forced Justin to call it a night.

Saturday we all went to the San Diego Zoo's Safari Park to sweat all the sweat in the world. We will not talk about the "w" word for a while, but we will continue to talk about sweat until this heat breaks. We arrived just in time to see the gorillas emerge from their den/cave/air-conditioned suite. The great thing about the park is that most of the animals are not behind glass or fencing, so you really get a good look at them. When the big male came out, we all gasped. It was unreal. And then he took this posture and we all watched in awe. What will he do next?

And then he proceeded to take a shit and look around at us, forcing eye contact as he continued to do his business. We get it. You are dominant. You can stop now. Or go behind a bush! We were ready to run in case he decided to further assert his dominance and throw it in our direction. Luckily there was this little guy to make up for getting figuratively shit on.

BABY GORILLA. I challenge you to find something cuter. Oh, wait I already did. There was also a baby elephant. If we could have put those two together, my heart would've exploded from glee.

After a few hours of sweating and looking at really cool animals (some critically endangered, but I will spare you the talk about how we are all ruining the planet but omg did you know that only 7 northern white rhinos remain in the entire world, all in captivity? SEVEN), we went home to de-sweat and switch gears to celebrate a friend's birthday.

This is becoming one of those "and then" posts. And then we finished season 2 of Sherlock Holmes and my mind was sufficiently blown. And then we went to buy halloween costumes and giggle over the male models on the packaging. And then we completed yet another weekend of busy-ness and awesomeness. And then I realized that I have issues concluding posts. Boop.