Awards Season!!!!

Yes, yes indeed I just shouted that. Because I fucking love awards season. And yes, it was necessary to swear. I barely tuned in to the Golden Globes because our damned cable hasn't been installed yet and I assumed we didn't have the proper channel BUT WE DID. Although I missed the red carpet, I quickly caught myself up and gave my amateur opinions on things that do not matter in the grand scheme of the world. But OMG LUCY LIU. Sorry, she just walked on stage to present and I died all over again. Has she no stylist?

Yes, awards season is full of opulence and unnecessary clammering over movies that 10% of the world saw that cost millions to produce staring people who get paid millions to do what they love. But I CAN'T GET ENOUGH.

The dresses. My god the dresses. I would even wear that Lucy Liu monstrosity if given the opportunity.  And I get emotionally wrapped up in acceptance speeches like I've personally experienced the trials and tribulations that these people have. And please, Anne Hathaway. Let's not act like life is hard for you. Above all things, Anne, you can even pull off that haircut. So congratulations, but stop it.

And did we see Bill Clinton? I mean, come on! It doesn't get better.

And now I'm not even paying enough attention to spot my man, Daniel Day Lewis. So forgive my passion-rant about awards season. But JMEOWW and I will be glued to the couch all season. Yes, her too. She is currently sitting on my chest between my face and my laptop. And believe me, she died over J.Lo's dress too.

So I got me a Trainer.

For the past week now I have been giggling about "my trainer." Guys, I don't actually have A TRAINER. I got two free personal training sessions when I signed up for the gym, a very small gym in my neighborhood. But I like the way it sounds, like I meet with him several times a week or some big deal like that. No, no. He was free. And after today I will no longer "have" him. Unless I make a financial commitment which I am not sure I am ready for. Can't we just gym date a little longer? So much rushing things these days.

When I first booked my appointment, I read his name as José. And I made up this huge story about how I was going to tell him that I am muy gorda because of the muchos, muchos cervezas. Ayuda me mi amigo, por favor.

When I was driving to the appointment, I looked at the card to double check the time and saw the name Josh. I cannot even tell you how disappointed I was. But what cured this disappointment? Not-José looks 98% like our dear Ronnie from Jersey Shore. You know, this guy:

As if working with a trainer isn't intimidating enough, I am working with a celebrity here. Kind of. In my head, that is how it works. And it means inappropriate giggles at inappropriate times. My maturity level has reached an all time low.

During this first appointment, I was assessed (see: love handles, measured...) and learned a few things:

1. I am nearly technically overweight for my height and age. Surprise, surprise.
2. I have a non-functional ass. He knows all of my secrets already. Which means, because I sit on my ass all day at work, it is slowly dying. And also, getting larger. By the second, I think.
3. Squeezing your buttcheeks together is not only an awkward thing to be told to do, but is also the final step in a correct plank. You're welcome.
4. And as we learned yesterday, coffee makes you take a dump IN ENERGY.
5. And also, beer is not good for you. This guy is full of knowledge, I swear.

My first goal date is my 30th birthday. In 2 months. My fitness plan includes: eating better, less alcohol, more functional strength training. So far, so good. So far.

Tonight I meet with Not-Ronnie so he can learn me the ways of functional strength training in a gym. Because, why sit on weight machines when you sit on your ass all day? <-- His words. So if you don't hear from me for a while, you know why.... 

...Because I asked im to do this and he beat me up.

Wish me luck!

That Katy Perry is full of Sh*t.

California girls do not have it so easy. At least those of us with suspected poor circulation. I am diagnosing myself as such because it is currently 72 degrees inside (59 degrees outside) and I am wearing a scarf. And I am breaking one of my own personal rules by wearing socks with my Toms. What I'm trying to say here is that I am freaking freezing.

I even went and sunbathed in the doorway for a while. And, get this. I went for a walk outside in the sunshine.

Nope. Still freezing.

And don't you think for a second that I didn't count that walk on My Fitness Pal. It counts!

I'm not allowed to drink coffee to warm up because my trainer (whom you will be hearing much more about) told me that the amount coffee that I normally drink makes me take a dump....in energy...and that is why I struggle through the afternoons. And he hesitated when he said it just as I typed it and it was incredibly hard not to giggle like an eleven year old.

And I do believe that the point of this entire post was to tell y'all that coffee does in fact make you take a dump. IN ENERGY. Sickos.


Random Wednesdays with Because Shanna Said So

Life-Changing Decision.

If you follow me on the twitter, you know that I made a huge announcement a few weeks ago regarding Justin and I.

Yes, YES! We are GETTING CABLE!

What? Expecting something else? Calm down, team marriage. Cable is a huge step for us because #1 we are trying to be frugal and cable is the opposite of that, and #2 because I tend to go full-retard when I have cable. Justin has strict orders to monitor the DVR and if I happen to have 18 episodes of Animal Hoarders saved, I am not allowed to have the cables any longer.

You may be asking yourself, why now? BECAUSE. So many good shows are starting all at once and it requires way to much energy to find them online or wait for them to come on Netflix. Technically, I'm already behind because I haven't caught up on Downton Abbey, The Walking Dead, Girls, or Dexter. But our glorious package comes with On Demand so I can watch all the shows, and then some. Basically, I'm never leaving the apartment. But at least I will be all caught up on my shows!

Here are a select few that I am most excited about:

One of the BEST shows on television. Season 2 had me sobbing. I can't wait to see where they
pick up. The acting is some of the best you will ever see.

I'm giving up most of my other network shows because I am so far behind, and because they are full of unnecessary emotional terrorism. So, I think I'll give Mr. Bacon a chance.

GAME OF THRONES. The entire show is in caps lock. It just is.

You really don't get it unless you get it. It's true. Final season. I can't even.

I mean, COME ON.

You know how they say that Big Bang or House or whatever is the smartest show on television?
THEY obviously haven't seen this. Both seasons are on Netflix. Need more reasons to watch?

This genius...

And my main man. Oof.

Now I am certain that there will be new seasons of Animal Hoarders, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, TOO CUTE (puppies or kitties. I'll watch either), Fatal Attractions, and other TLC monstrosities...

And I can't freaking wait.

First 2013 Post.

I could sum up our NYE party, but I am ashamed at how many cookies I ate. And how Justin and I failed at our first NYE kiss because he went to sip his champagne before kissing me and I said you're doing it wrong! I could tell you about how I farted in front of Justin for the first time, or how a portion of our NYE party conversations revolved around to/not to fart in front of your significant other. And how we watched The Grey and it was really odd and also, Liam Neeson is rad and Dermot Mulroney looks good in hipster glasses.

But I don't feel like it.

It's not that I don't like 2013. It's that I don't feel like doing this thing right now. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week.

My irrational anxiety has been through the roof lately. Irrational meaning I sit at my desk and experience the WORST heart palpitations you can imagine for no significant reason at all. And then I get all bent out of shape because there is no reason for it and then I just spiral. And then I go home and lay on the couch and make Justin rub my head until it all passes.

So for now I would like to not force myself to write, and wait for it to come to me. I would like to get my anxiety under control. And I would like to never accidentally fart in front of Justin again. Key word: accidentally.