How we met.

One of the only pictures we took. Classy.
So classy right now.

Last year my friend Emily invited me to her fiancé’s company Christmas party. Why this was okay, I’m still not sure. But the words, “free booze and fancy party” are the kind I will never say no to (which is also how I ended up at a military ball one time). So I got all fancied up, and even squeezed into control top panty hose. Side note: Do you have any idea how expensive those things are? And how easily they rip? Someone out there is setting us up for complete failure and a resulting emotional meltdown. The fact that you need them is bad enough in the first place. But the fear of ripping your $16 panty hose as you are shimmying them up your pasty thighs is emotional terrorism.



Anyways. Once we arrived at the party we discovered a fake casino, abundant free cocktails, and men galore. Let me clarify. There were male humans galore. Male humans who haven’t upgraded their wardrobe since about 1997 and didn’t seem to understand that the event was semi-formal (jeans do not a semi-formal outfit make). So we drank, fake gambled, drank some more. And then as Emily’s fiancé was introducing her to some coworkers, we spotted a guy that was well-dressed, appeared friendly, and had one of the most genuine smiles I’d ever seen. So what did we do? Giggled and ran away to go get another drink. Naturally.

For most of the remainder of the party we continued to stalk from afar. After many more cocktails and drunkenly accosting a person who works at our place of employment who also happened to be at the same party, I decided to grow some balls and flash this human a smile. Bold, I know. And then I walked to the bar again, where Taco the bartender (who looked like Bill Murray and also could make himself disappear) was happy to set me up with another beer and next thing I know that human is standing next to me, in a non-creepy way. So we chatted for a while, he made me take off my 5-inch heels to analyze my height, and then he took me on a tour of the crowd to look for a woman that dresses as a dwarf.

When it was time to leave, I did the one thing you aren’t supposed to do, ever. I got in a car with a stranger. FOR GOOD REASONS. #1 He lived by me, and Emily and Bill would’ve had to drive way out of their way to take me home. #2 Emily reassured me several times that it was okay. Emily who was shwasted off 3 cocktails repeatedly said it was fine. It was fine!

As we were driving and bonding, he decided to confess that he forgot my name. HE FORGOT MY NAME. You guys, I had no more dignity at that point. Lucky for him I have a good sense of humor. Upon arrival at my apartment, we sat in my driveway and talked a little bit more and then this happened. He asked if he could come up to use my restroom and swore that it wasn’t a ploy. And because I already rode home with a stranger who didn’t even know my name, why wouldn’t I allow him in my place of residence late at night? I swear my mother raised me to make better choices. I agreed, but warned him that I had a kitten that was a little bit aggressive and weird and I’m sorry if she tries to eat your face off. When I opened the door and my little jmeoww came bounding up to greet me as she does, he shouted, “Holy shit, she’s tiny! This is what you’re worried about?” You have no idea.

So there was much more talking and some making out and some control-top panty hose that turned out to be super embarrassing (in the most non-sexual way, I swear). And because it was well, nearly dawn probably at this point I told him it was okay to spend the night (in an even more non-sexual way I swear I’m not like that ohmygod who raised me). So he did. And there was cuddling. RESPECTFUL CUDDLING.

When he left in the morning, I gave him my number and told him I didn’t want his because he would need to contact me first because I’m such a proper lady, as evidenced by the previous night’s choices.

And he did. Of course he did. And then we went on our first unofficial date that night in which I met some of his closest friends. Because that’s not weird at all.

And so it began.

Music: Live and in tears.

Last week we had the pleasure of seeing Rachael Yamagata at Anthology. That might be the most boring sentence I have ever typed.

Let's do this again. The incredibly stressful night before Thanksgiving, I forced Justin to attend a performance by my favorite singer/writer of the most heartwrenching music you will ever listen to at an acoustically perfect venue.

I feel better.

Rachael Yamagata will break your heart over and over again. And you will ask for more. You need more. I've been listening to her since my early 20s, which were wrought with immature heartbreak that her songs seemed to fit so very well. So when I saw that she was in town, I bought tickets and then asked Justin if it was okay to go that night.

The instant she started singing tears welled up and I knew it was going to be perfect. And it was. She sounded just beautiful and well, perfect. But the best part? Between each song, after ripping out your soul, this girl had me in giggles. She is so weird, and awkward and hilarious. She says herself that the music comes from such a trench of despair and melancholy, that you have to laugh in between the songs or you won't make it out alive. And thank god for the giggles because I got all weird about it.

My favorite song of hers, and one of my all time favorite songs that is so special to me that I don't even want to share the link here...she played it. When I heard the first chord, I burst into tears and melted into Justin's shoulder and sobbed into the tissue that I had stuffed in my bra for that exact moment. What a loser. I had warned him, so he knew it would happen. He was still probably embarrassed. I was only minorly embarrassed, but mostly thankful for the experience of hearing it live. And thankful for the life experiences that gave something that much meaning and thankful to know that I don't have to feel that type of despair ever again. So thankful right now. Are we still doing that, STILL? Shit.

If you're in the mood to have your heartbroken, which, don't lie, you know it's something us ladies do sometimes (which is why we continue to watch Grey's Anatamy & Gossip Girl which I'm NOT caught up on so shut it), listen to this:

"It'll Do"

It'll Do

And, because it's the Christmas season and I like sharing (some...) visit here for a free download! (I did it. It works!).

More Like Cyber FUNday!

This is really hard for me, but I took a break from Christmas shopping to write this. For you.

Did you know that cyber Monday starts at 12 p.m. EST? So I'm getting my cyber Monday discounts already  (Sunday night...) and rejoicing. Can't. Stop. Shopping.

Ahem. So Thanksgiving happened. Which means we cleaned, stuffed and cooked our first turkey. Although this was supposed to be mostly a team effort, Justin had the patience of the Incredible Hulk when trying to de-gross said turkey. So I stepped in. And nearly died. Do you know how far they stuff that neck up the turkey's ass? Which is in fact NOT a turkey penis. It is the neck. Hey, turkey manufacturers, NO ONE USES IT ANYMORE. So please, stop shoving necks up turkey asses. For all of us.

Once I recovered from the de-necking, Thanksgiving was quite enjoyable. We survived our first major holiday together! Naturally.

Black Friday was spent entirely indoors. As it should. We watched Lost and my new favorite show ever, Arrested Development. And we played Trivial Pursuit with shots of whiskey. Naturally. And then Justin & JMEOWW played with a post-it note for the best 20-minutes of my life. Those two, I swear. They were made for each other.

And Sunday we saw Lincoln which I would like to rename Daniel Day Lewis is the Greatest Man Alive. Seriously though, name me a better actor than him and I will send you a prize. And Tommy Lee Jones? Hell yes. I am not a history fan in the least but this movie is stellar. Someone asked me why I was so excited to see it and I had no good response. Besides of course, Mister Day Lewis. Had he not been in it, I probably would not have been so damn excited. But it is an amazing film full of talent. And also a little Joseph Gordon-Levitt. What more could you ask for?

I can't even handle this man.

Now if you'll excuse me, I haven't purchased the entire internet yet...

Digital Reinforcement.

No one is actually reading this on Thanksgiving, right? Hello? I hope not. I hope you are reading it on Saturday. Or even better, Monday.

I also hope that you had a lovely Thanksgiving. And I hope that you read your fair share of "THANKFUL" facebook status updates and blogs posts.

You won't be reading that here. What you will be reading is a wink and a nod to the boyfriend and the family. And the friends and the work friends and of course, the blog friends. Blends. And also to my newly cohabitated apartment which features a dishwasher. Hi, dishwasher. I love you. Too soon?

I have everything I've ever needed, and then some. So fine, I guess you could call me thankful. I like to call it, "complete."

Cheers, to all of this.

On Friday, I sleep.

I am a sleeper. This is not a mystery. Justin is just learning the extent of my sleeping ways and he is only mildly appalled. This is reason #1 why I will not be partaking in Black Friday.

Reason #2? Because IT IS AWFUL.

My family loves this shit. Shopping? Hell yea. A sale? You betcha. Shopping all night? Why not! So in 2009 and 2010 I accompanied my mom and sisters on their wild adventures. And it is as awful as it sounds.

We started at 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving. At Toys-R-Us. I'd like to think I was still a little drunk. And you guys, people take their children. Christmas shopping. They take their kids who they are buying the gifts for. Because why wouldn't you take a pajama-clad child to a store full of raging lunatics pushing around entire swingsets in a tiny cart 3 hours past their bedtime. WHY NOT?

Toys-r-us 2009. This was around 10 p.m. and we
waited in line for almost an hour to get in.

In 2010 I wanted one of the doorbuster TVs at Target so I got in line at 2 a.m. My cousin, who was pregnant, wanted a vacuum. So we all hung out together, miserable, freezing, and delirious. And although we were there 2 hours early, we were still near the back of the building. And I knew what this meant. I wasn't going to get that TV. But I sat, and sat. And then power-walked with the rest of the psychos and guess what...no TVs left. I was crushed. But that man has 2 in his cart and you are only supposed to take one! But really, as much as I protested the Target people weren't really going to do anything about it.

Yes, that is fur on my hood. Yes, it was
probably still about 50 degrees.

So after the epic Target fail we went to Walmart because life wasn't bad enough already. My mom and sister wanted $3 feety pajamas for the kids. And so did everyone else in a 30-mile radius and they were all mobbed around the pajamas. I thought, this isn't real life. People don't do this. But they were doing it right in front of our over-caffeinated eyes. So what does my littlest sister do? She dives right in. Unarmed. Pushes her tiny ass to the middle of the mob, and then crawls on the floor to get out of it. With the blessed $3 pajamas. Our hero. She is quite fortunate she didn't get her weave ripped out.

The entire night usually consists of someone sleeping in the car, someone running home to get blankets and chairs, someone running to the gas station for coffee/soda and someone getting horribly ill-feeling from an overdose of caffeine. And really, most of what I come home with is for me anyways. New towels, pillows, you name it. Last year I drank enough to pass out when it came time to leave for Black Friday Eve. This year I won't be with the crazy shoppers, but they are probably much better off without my whining.

My advice to you is to stay home. Stay warm. And stay sane. Or be smart and whip up some hot chocolate to sell to those crazy assholes in line. They also appreciate donuts.

(But mom, don't forget to pick up my air mattress!)