On Friday, I sleep.

I am a sleeper. This is not a mystery. Justin is just learning the extent of my sleeping ways and he is only mildly appalled. This is reason #1 why I will not be partaking in Black Friday.

Reason #2? Because IT IS AWFUL.

My family loves this shit. Shopping? Hell yea. A sale? You betcha. Shopping all night? Why not! So in 2009 and 2010 I accompanied my mom and sisters on their wild adventures. And it is as awful as it sounds.

We started at 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving. At Toys-R-Us. I'd like to think I was still a little drunk. And you guys, people take their children. Christmas shopping. They take their kids who they are buying the gifts for. Because why wouldn't you take a pajama-clad child to a store full of raging lunatics pushing around entire swingsets in a tiny cart 3 hours past their bedtime. WHY NOT?

Toys-r-us 2009. This was around 10 p.m. and we
waited in line for almost an hour to get in.

In 2010 I wanted one of the doorbuster TVs at Target so I got in line at 2 a.m. My cousin, who was pregnant, wanted a vacuum. So we all hung out together, miserable, freezing, and delirious. And although we were there 2 hours early, we were still near the back of the building. And I knew what this meant. I wasn't going to get that TV. But I sat, and sat. And then power-walked with the rest of the psychos and guess what...no TVs left. I was crushed. But that man has 2 in his cart and you are only supposed to take one! But really, as much as I protested the Target people weren't really going to do anything about it.

Yes, that is fur on my hood. Yes, it was
probably still about 50 degrees.

So after the epic Target fail we went to Walmart because life wasn't bad enough already. My mom and sister wanted $3 feety pajamas for the kids. And so did everyone else in a 30-mile radius and they were all mobbed around the pajamas. I thought, this isn't real life. People don't do this. But they were doing it right in front of our over-caffeinated eyes. So what does my littlest sister do? She dives right in. Unarmed. Pushes her tiny ass to the middle of the mob, and then crawls on the floor to get out of it. With the blessed $3 pajamas. Our hero. She is quite fortunate she didn't get her weave ripped out.

The entire night usually consists of someone sleeping in the car, someone running home to get blankets and chairs, someone running to the gas station for coffee/soda and someone getting horribly ill-feeling from an overdose of caffeine. And really, most of what I come home with is for me anyways. New towels, pillows, you name it. Last year I drank enough to pass out when it came time to leave for Black Friday Eve. This year I won't be with the crazy shoppers, but they are probably much better off without my whining.

My advice to you is to stay home. Stay warm. And stay sane. Or be smart and whip up some hot chocolate to sell to those crazy assholes in line. They also appreciate donuts.

(But mom, don't forget to pick up my air mattress!)