DIY Fireworks

Not DIY like make your own and then display them in a mason jar with some colorful tissue paper poking out the side, Marth Stewart. DIY meaning light those fuckers yourself and hope that you don't start yourself on fire. This is the core of July 4th in my hometown of Chino, California. For some reason, fireworks have not been outlawed. So you can buy a wide variety of "legal" fireworks and create a lovely show in your cul-de-sac. Most of the legal fireworks create pretty showers of color or spin for like 6 seconds while everyone pretends to be amazed. There's also the most annoying device ever created, the Piccolo Petes, which release an ear-piercing screech for a good 45 seconds while setting off car alarms and pissing off dogs. These must always be on sale because you can't escape the sound all damn night.

If you belong to my family, you also somehow acquire illegal fireworks and scare the shit out of everyone in a 6 block radius. Over the years, this has has led to the following experiences:

2011. AMERICA. Hell yea.

• My dad starting his pants on fire. We can laugh about this now. And unfortunately I wasn't present for this moment. ALLEGEDLY, my little twin sisters were fighting over those little popper snapper things that you throw on the ground and they explode. Aren't they like little balls of gunpowder? Why is that okay? Anyways, my dad took them away from the girls and put them in his pocket. Then somehow, he ignited them by bumping into a table, lighting his shorts on fire. While the resulting burn wasn't a joke, the mental image of my dad's pants literally on fire and jumping in the pool to extinguish it will always make me giggle.
• My dad (notice a trend?) shooting bottle rockets into the area where we were all sitting with CHILDREN.
• Someone (probably my dad) lighting the neighbor's fence on fire.

Because I'm irrationally paranoid about everything, the only near-death experience I've had was lighting sparklers. Excuse me if I don't want to be showered with tiny flames, everyone who makes fun of me. Yes, the children do them. GOOD FOR THEM. 

This year, I won't be part of the madness but I'm sure my dad will light a Roman candle in my honor. Be safe out there, AMERICA.