the jmeoww diaries: V.16

Let's pretend for a moment that I didn't plan a grand return to blogging and then majorly fail. Let's also NOT pretend that you are here for any other reason than to hear about her. Because as much as I think about writing and getting back into the swing of things, the one thing that actually gets me to sit my butt down with the laptop that Justin bought me for this exact purpose — IS HER.

Her being JMEOWW Ann Gee-Dee. For those of you who may have stumbled upon this blog by accident, you are in fact reading about a cat. But not just any cat. A cat who howls like a toddler if I dare to use the restroom when I get home from work, rather than give her my undivided attention. A cat who does not settle down for the night until both of her humans are in their proper places on the couch. A cat who demands treats be placed in an old wrapping paper tube so she may be entertained. THAT CAT.

So, here we are. And how is she doing, you ask? Well, we think she is broken. Or that she is going through a phase that I have dubbed "mewburty." You know, puberty. But for cats. Even though she is fixed because for fuck's sake spay and neuter your animals you heathens.

We aren't sure if it is the El Nino or then sudden 85 degree weather, or that she is simply just aging; but she has been "off." And by "off" I mean she literally does not move off of her new spot on the couch. A cushion that will never return to its original form because since the day she discovered its comfort and perfection approximately two months ago she rarely leaves it. Very near to her spot on the couch is my spot on the couch, which means that I often get my head aggressively stroked by her tail (which is rarely at rest). And I get to listen to her cleaning her toe cheese which I feel like she knows irritates the shit out of me so she saves it until she is above my head.

It took her two years to find this spot and apparently she is never leaving it EVER.

Justin and I realized, just last night, that this is because from her cushion perch she can see most of the apartment, so she will always know where we are. It may also be due to the fact that my essential oil diffuser is near her watchtower and she HATES the essential oil diffuser even though I am obsessed with it and its also not my fault that our living room has so few electrical outlets that are accessible for my needs.

In addition to the not moving situation, her meow clock is broken. The meow clock typically sounds about 10 minutes before my actual alarm clock goes off and does not stop going off until I am up and out of bed feeding her (typically 3-4 alarm snoozes later). In the past few weeks she has rarely made her alarm clock appearance and when she does it is unusually polite. Like a gentle little meep meow instead of her usual desperate howl of starvation. On the weekends, however, the meow clock sounds approximately two hours too early (Justin has jmeoww breakfast duty on the weekend because we share parenting responsibilities like that). So when I wake up before her, I FIND HER ON THE COUCH PERCH. And she just looks back at me like, "Oh. Hey. Yea put some food in that bowl I'll get it later, no rush Ma!"Like she is suddenly some chill, non-neurotic rainman of an animal that is okay with casually being fed, like whenever bro. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT YOU GUYS.

She's only happy when it rains. CORRECTION: She does not shut up when it rains
because she is the Paul Revere of rain, as if we couldn't tell what is happening outside.

So, perhaps she has the winter sads or just the plain old lazies. Perhaps the couch really is just that comfortable (I mean, I have been known to fall asleep on it 4-6x per week). But as long as we are all in the living room at the same time, all is well and she can return to her couch perch. Oh, and as long as there is an ice cube in her water, she is fine. Also as long as the bathroom door is open while you use the toilet, she is fine. MEWBURTY, you guys.

the jmeoww diaries: V.15

We recently returned from a long overdue vacation, AKA Tiffany's tour of the East Coast locales in which Justin once lived. From Boston to Maine to New Hampshire (and then to Mechanicville, NY for me because of course), we saw friends and family and some of the most beautiful lands in our country. But not one damn moose, which I am still peeved about. We did, however, hear elk breeding which is a story I will tell you one day over some beers.

Boston

The one and only FALL tree in New Hampshire.

Lake Winnipesaukee, NH

Glorious, yes? This past weekend we visited my family for the first time since the trip and they could not wait to hear....

...about how jmeoww handled herself during this vacation and our return.

Yes, her life is far more interesting than ours and we get it.

Leaving our precious feline child for longer than 6-hours is a daunting and emotional production like no other. My little sister was conveniently unable to take on meow-sitting duties, so we turned to jmeoww's other entrusted human — Paul. Paul is the hero who took on this task over our honeymoon last year. And because sometimes I need a good cackle, I saved the email he sent from that time and would like to gift you an excerpt:

"I went into the kitchen to get her food and while I was cleaning her dishes I could hear her hissing.  I'd look over and she'd perk up and meow when I saw her, then hiss again when we couldn't see each other. It was hilarious.

So I got the treats and the toys and walked over to her. Gave her a couple of treats and petted her, and she would purr, then meow, then purr, then hiss, then purr...she was SO FUNNY."

FUNNY INDEED. And because Paul is a saint and fully aware of the commitment involved, he agreed to watch her again this trip. We only heard from him once (although I did make Justin check-in several times for my benefit), and his text said:

How kind of Justin to LOL prior to asking Paul is he was okay. I just kept saying, SHE IS SO EMBARRASSING. At this point I assumed that she had accepted her new life as a parentless cat living in a one-bedroom apartment with appliances she could never operate and clothing that would never fit her. But at least we left a light on. Oh, and the A/C because thank you San Diego for reaching temperatures that would surely cause an indoor cat to implode. And because she doesn't have thumbs, she HAD to depend on Paul for food but also she had to make sure that he didn't steal it. Which is WHY she overreacted, obviously. Who knows when her next meal would have been! 

Justin returned home three days earlier than I did (because, Mechanicville!) so he dealt with most of the overly-clingy animal recovering from her brief stint as an orphan. He reported that there was a lot of very loud meowing and a lot of staring at the door waiting for me to walk through.

LIKE SO.

I returned on Monday afternoon while Justin was still at work. Basically it was like she didn't believe I was home. I had to wake her up from her daytime resting place underneath the bed, and then she just stared at me. Clearly I must be dreaming! But then. Then she smelled the OTHER CATS on my suitcase and continued to smell every part of all the things until she was certain they weren't with me. It was only then that I was granted a very brief yet very drool-filled cuddle session. 

While she most certainly has her asshole moments, we can see a big difference in the recovery time after these earth-shattering events. But let's not discuss what happens when it rains. Because if you wanted to hear about it at 7:15 a.m. on a Sunday morning, she would be happy to tell you ALL about it. 

Now, if you have questions about the HUMANS' vacation, please let me know!

piles

Fun fact: I am a Whovian. What's that you ask? A Doctor Who fan, duh. All thanks to my husband, Justin *NERD ALERT* Dazet. I dubbed him that this weekend after he spent nearly 5 hours building a Lego Millennium Falcon. What's that? I don't have time to get into it.

When we first starting dating, we decided that we would make each other watch each other's favorite TV shows. I realize there is probably a better way to write that sentence, but I can't be bothered with that right now. I believe our first show was one of his favorites, Battlestar Galactica; which don't even get me started on that show because I will cry so many tears at you and I still haven't even fully processed the finale. My first pick was Lost; please see previous sentence for my thoughts on THE BEST SHOW OF ALL TIME. There has also been Spaced (amaze) and many more that I can't currently recall. So we watch a lot of TV, but that is not the point.

I did not fall in love with Doctor Who immediately. It definitely took time, but once it hit me it hit me hard. We knew that this would not be a quick watch, even though we started at the "reboot." I also needed to take an approximately 6-month break after the loss of the 10th Doctor who will forever remained etched in my heart as one of the best characters on television, ever. We jumped into the 11th Doctor very quickly and like most rebounds, he just wasn't cutting it. So I took my time to mourn, and we watched House of Cards in the interim (TEAM CLAIRE).

I had read and been told about a particular episode many times, and last night we reached that episode. And it was everything I had read and been told. I cried so much that I had to diffuse essential oils to be able to breathe again. It was beautiful, just absolutely beautiful and it was exactly what I needed at this current point in my life.

I have been unsettled. Unsteady. I feel like I am in career purgatory and desperately need to make a change. I am feeling the weight of the negative energy that comes from numerous relationships in my life and am constantly battling to rise above it. My husband has been a champ at navigating through this time with me, as we both go through these phases of "what am I doing with my life and will it all matter?"

And then Vincent and the Doctor happened. And it was one of the most beautiful and honest and heartbreaking episodes of television I have ever witnessed. I will just leave you with two quotes from the episode, because I cannot convince you to watch Doctor Who.

Source

Via Society 6

This certainly does not fix any of the aforementioned challenges, but it certainly gave me a heavy dose of perspective on a life that I am lucky to have.

!! shameless plug !!

This "coming back to blogging" thing has been much harder than I imagined. Mostly because the things that I am inspired to write about lately are all dealing with interpersonal relationships and social media and I am unsure whether or not blogging about it would perpetuate the things I am trying my hardest to avoid or not. VAGUE BLOG. But really, deciding what to share and how and with whom is the current struggle I am navigating.

THAT SAID. I have been working on another project that I am THRILLED to share will all three of my readers. My dearest friend, Jenna (you've met her here!), is a very talented jewelry designer. Jeweler? Jewelist? You know what I mean. She makes kick ass jewelry and long-story-short, I bullied her into opening an etsy shop so she would stop giving away her masterpieces for free and actually make a profit off her hard work. 

I have deemed myself her marketer (marketist? I'm really into making up titles right now) and her shop, Stay Golden Jewels, can be found on Etsy and Instagram. Her style is nature-inspired, slightly boho, slightly hippie, mildly trendy, and overall awesome. We are constantly adding new pieces and if you have an idea in mind for something you like, Jenna loves custom orders! Granted it is something in her wheelhouse. So like please don't ask her to make you a watch.

Even Figgy gets custom mala beads!

We will be having a Labor Day sale, so follow along on IG for updates (and also for darling pictures of SGJ mascot Figgy)! And because, beloved readers, I love you so much that if you so desire to make a purchase from this lovely shop you can use code BLOGGIST15 for 15% off your order of $15 or more. Because I love you. All three of you.

There's an oil for that.

In my quest to be more conscious of what I am putting on and in my body (except for beer, please don’t ask me about beer), I recently purchased a very highly rated organic-vegan-cruelty free face wash. Upon using it for the first time, I BURST INTO FLAMES. Okay, not actual flames. But when I looked in the mirror post-shower, I was terrified. Was I dying? Had the vitamin-C that was supposed to rejuvenate my tired skin turned against me? Maybe I overreacted just a bit, like that’s not unusual. But when something is labeled organic-vegan-cruelty free and is basically made of cloud whispers, I expect it NOT to burn off my skin.

This quest to avoid ALL THE BAD THINGS can be challenging and most of the time I take the easy way out. And most of the time I avoid getting roped into “things.” But let me tell you about essential oils…

No really! Please let me tell you. Because I am currently in a state of constant confusion and overwhelmed-ness about them. And as an educated woman with a biology degree, I *know* I shouldn’t let these magical oils BUT I AM. A large population of similarly well-educated females at my place of employment are into them. Like IN-TO them. And they have been so kind and generous with their samples and education and oil-party nights in which I get to smell all the things and do a scan test that told me my main life problems. And hot damn if that scan test didn’t hit a few (of the many) issues right on the head. For myself AND my friends. And perhaps maybe one or two of those scans showed weight management issues and I was like, I GET IT. Do I rub the oils on my fat to make it disappear? (The answer is no, especially since I learned the hard way that some oils are “hot” and will “burn” your skin...akin to the holy water facewash I tried this morning).

Yes, I understand multi-level marketing companies (Hi, Avon!). I also understand that essential oils are not going to cure cancer; but if they can help out with the blues and a bit of the sniffles (and a bit of the snoring) then I am SOLD. Also, some just smell really great. Also, some just don’t (meat marinade...you get it).

I sense that my issue here is classic avoidance. I know what is going on with my body. I fell off the wagon after the wedding. Nay, I leapt off the wagon screaming NO SALADS NO PAIN and never looked back. And here I am 10 months later chubby and constantly battling low energy and summer colds. If I could just get back on that stupid miserable wagon, I would be fine. I wouldn’t need any magical oils to cure my various ailments.

But like what IF they work, you know? WHAT IF? Don't worry, you'll be sure to hear back from me about this either way.

the jmeoww diaries: V.14

I know you all are wondering about Justin and I and the wedding and everything that has happened since. But I really know that anything that has happened in our lives is far less interesting than anything that has happened in hers...

It's totally okay, I accept that you all are here for her. While she did not actually make it to the wedding, she was there in spirit in the form of cardboard cutouts at the photobooth. She was a hit, as always.

Probably the next biggest thing to her unofficial marriage to Justin was moving to a new apartment. The entire process of finding a place, packing, moving, and unpacking is incredibly stressful for the humans. But for the meoww, she has her own story to tell.

Justin and I both had requirements for our new apartment. Must have a washer and dryer. Must have A/C. Must feel like a castle. And so on. But the one qualifier that got us the oddest looks from the apartment managers was an enclosed patio on the second floor. For our cat. A CATIO, if you will. Imagine us telling eight different apartment managers that their patio/balcony was in fact not good enough for our cat. We knew that for our sanity and hers, she needed to go outside in a safe, enclosed space. She had spent nearly three years expending pent up energy and anger out on that patio and also creeping out the neighbors. She LOVED that patio. And the thought of taking that away from her made us feel like terrible humans. So our new place would have to have a catio.

Well, turns out human needs trumped hers for once and she did not get the perfect catio. There is a small balcony, but it is concrete rather than fencing or railing and we imagined we could make it work. We will build a weather-proof cat tower that is tall enough for her to see the world! We will make this work and feel like less terrible humans!

But we haven't needed to build said dangerous cat tower because this glorious apartment has one thing that our old place didn't have for her: WINDOWS. The cave that we previously lived in had a sliding glass door and two bedroom windows that were blocked by our TV and dresser. But this castle? ALL THE WINDOWS. She can see the world from the air-conditioned indoors and peep on the neighbors just fine! Windows completely eliminated the need for the actual outside world. And us humans could feel a little less guilty.

The one tiny hangup with this perfect situation? Her fatass didn't know how to jump up on windowsills. Three months later, you guys, she still takes a spill every now and then and I die. Just die. Her intial attempts at getting up on the windowsill involved jumping straight up and using her claws to cling on to the ledge and just hang there while I scrambled to try to get a photo. Which was great for the new coat of paint. Then she learned she needed to launch all 14-pounds of her bad self up and onto the ledge but at the right speed as to not slam her face into the glass. I TRIED TO FILM IT, I DID. It was quite possibly my favorite part of moving. Jmeoww learning how to use windowsills, who would've thought.

Justin just discovered this picture on his phone and I can't stop cackling about it. It could not be more perfect.

To ease her troubles a bit her non-legal husband Justin decided to purchase yet ANOTHER piece of cat furniture which he said he would never have in his home. A nearly four foot tower that is her vessel of relaxation but also used for creeping on the neighbors. You guys I swear 6 nights a week she is up in the tower either watching us or watching the neighbors. I legitimately thought the neighbors were going to complain because she just. sits. there. And she doesn't just sit. She loooooounges. Full meow relaxation in her queen tower. Limbs poking out of the climbing hole, leg stretched out over the side. Sometimes she clings to the edge and looks down like she has never been up that high ever. And every now and then she gets in an epic battle with her tail or the tower or both. And we will pause the TV to watch it play out, because marriage.

So basically, jmeoww's life has been pretty darn great. Her only complaint is that we aren't in the same room with her at all times, and also where are the kibbles?

Until next time, jmeoww fans!

Step 1: Insert title

Approximately one hour and nine minutes have passed since I sat down to write this. Rather than write something, I have spent: 45 minutes on Amazon looking for a birthday gift; 10 minutes scrolling through my Facebook feed and rolling my eyes; 5 minutes applying to volunteer for the cat adoption center at Petco; and 9 minutes watching jmeoww kill dead the toys I place on her tower just to get her riled up.

Basically what I am trying to say is THIS IS HARD. I have every intention of writing again and sharing our ridiculous and sometimes mundane lives with you but you should see how hilariously violent that cat gets when the sushi toy is on her tower.

I have intentions and things to say. Can we call this a baby step? Yes, lets.

ps - can someone tell me how to make my blog titles UN-green?

pps - yes, jmeoww has moved into a tower and we can't wait to tell you more about it.

testing...

...is this thing on?

STAY TUNED (the three of you that still maybe possibly have me in your blog reader!)!!!!!!

things we need less of.

I spend a lot of time browsing the internet. WHAT. Totally surprising, I know. Next thing you know I'm going to be admitting that I like cats or that I'm getting married.

So throughout my browsing, I see a ton, more like a SHIT ton of tutorials and recipes. And some of them are incredibly helpful. Such as the one that taught me how to easily remove labels from glass bottles. Or the one that taught me how to make tissue tassel garland (helpful, although not easy).

And then some of these tutorials and recipes can best be described as...remedial. FOR INSTANCE, I present to you tutorials and recipes that we need less of.

• TOAST, four ways!
• A different take on the braid (you can show me 27 different french braid tutorials and I still won't be able to do it).
• THE BEST, no really the best ever best mac n' cheese.
• How to stock a bar/coffee cart! <- but what even are these and is it really that hard?
• Buns, buns, and more buns.
• The ONLY smoothie recipe you need! Then why are there 3,001 of them on pinterest? Guys, smoothies: a green, some fruit, liquid base, and whatever seeds or powders you wish to add. It is not a science.
• Cauliflower pizza crust. More like cauliflower not even a little bit like fucking pizza crust so no.
• Painting or glittering bottles, jars, and/or terracota pots. APPLY PAINT TO VESSEL. BOOM. 

Truth be told, the toast was what sent me over the edge and inspired this post. It is fucking bread. That you put in a machine. And put a variety of other tasty things on top of. Again not deserving of its own masters program.

Basically, I spend too much time online. What tutorials and recipes have you had enough of? 

obsession confessions.

Hi, hi, HI THERE. Surprised? Me too. I have good news and bad news. So much bad news, I know, I know. But listen, the bad news is that Justin is working mega-overtime on weeknights and I am considering myself a temporary gaming industry widow. The good news is that I have a lot of time on my hands to do things other than stare at him...like write an actual blog post! Yes, I just told you that you are my second choice. SURPRISED AGAIN?

Beyond the fiance's OT, my own job has been NUTS lately so we are both dealing with a lot of stress. And also still this:

That THING is adapting to a new vet-recommended diet and also dealing with the loss of her precious Justin time. Last night as all three of us laid in bed (yes all three of us, she just really misses her Justin...), I was crying like a pms-d out moron and jmeoww was trying to bite Justin's feet and hissing at him and then I just started laughing maniacally. WE ARE ALL SLOWLY LOSING OUR MINDS.

So basically, to remind myself that life is generally fantastic and that there are things that I love and worth not running away for, I decided to just splooge them all over this here blog.

1. True Detective — aka the new thing to always be talking about. Guys, it is everything the world says it is. Those men are incredible. Two more episodes to go and I might actually really have a panic attack during them. SO GOOD.
2. Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey — It's no secret that I am a science loving geekface and the reboot of Cosmos (March 9th!!!!!!!) is just absolutely everything to me, and also Justin. His deep love for King Carl Sagan has reached my heart as well and we are going to geek out so incredibly hard for this. And NdGT is just the absolute best person alive for this show. That's his official nickname.
3. Beck — Is that Beck on my blog? Dear god, it is. It really is. This is what happens when I accidentally look at Pitchfork every once and a while. But really, this album is quite wonderful. I've never been a Beck fan, but I am totally into this. Hear for yourself!
   
   
                            
4. Brown Rice Triscuits — And then I also blogged about triscuits. THESE ARE LIFE CHANGING. They are all I want to eat. The sea salt and black pepper variety. With cheese. Do it. 
5. Clarisonic Mia2 — also life changing. I am finally paying attention to skin that I should've been caring for since basically forever. And thanks to some Christmas gift cards, this little treasure has entered my life. I've only been using it for a week or so, but I love it. And yes, I am aware of what it looks like...
6. Trader Joe's Lavender Lotion — Fact: I am obsessed with lavender lotion. I always use it at night. So when my last bottle (from the lavender farm an hour away) ran out, I panicked because I knew I would never find anything as lovely again. Enter Trader Joe's and this $5ish bottle. So lovely. So cost-effective. 

Remember that time I included triscuits in a collage? It is truly the little things, my friends. The little things that keep us sane and happy. What are your current obsessions? (non-creepy only, please. I'm looking at you, Higgins...)

the jmeoww diaries: V.13

As I sit here typing, the subject of this blog post is howling, howling for attention. She already took a swipe at my arm and I am losing blood as we speak. Hopefully we get through this post before I pass out...

At the beginning of the month I got the dreaded email reminder that it was time for her annual check-up and her flea medicine injection. The vet also sends a ton of specials and coupons and I always check the fine print to see if it says excludes jmeoww gee. We made the appointment and I left the game plan up to Justin, because when it comes to my baby meow I let her run my life, obviously. 

We made the decision to skip the sedatives completely. Because the act of attempting to give them to her stresses all of us out so entirely much that we all nearly break-up with each other. When it was GO TIME, he went on the patio to our storage closet and as soon as he touched the carrier and it made the faintest sound her tailed puffed up and she started distress howling. Because clearly we were going to kill her. I very carefully picked her up by the scruff of the neck and shoved her fatass into the carrier, and off they went. I remained home because my stress feeds her stress and I was already in tears by the time they were out the door. 

I sat with my phone in my lap just in case Justin sent a distress signal. I listened for ambulances in the distance. But 45-minutes later they walked through the door (and I had the bath ready for her because she is traditionally a peepants at the vet). Beyond some minute meow poops in the carrier, she was fine! Tweaked, but fine! I picked her up making sure to avoid the ass region and dropped her in the bath and she just sat there, totally defeated. After some drying by me, I let her go so she could hide and completely reclean herself.

And then the most amazing thing happened. Rather than hide for hours and days, she came back out 30 minutes later and was all WHAT'S UP FUCKERS and laid her still wet self in the middle of our bed. Thanks. We were shocked and also overjoyed because she really has made huge strides and is so much less of a complete derelict than she used to be! SHE IS ALMOST NORMAL. All of Justin's cat whispering is clearly paying off.

That afternoon I required a serious adult nap, which always happens on the couch because hello couch naps are the best. And then the second miracle of our lives happened. Please refer to the photo below and pay no attention to my meaty arm.

You may wonder why you ALWAYS see that blanket. Well, I got it when she was a wee meow and she requires it for mom time. She will literally only have mom time if the blanket is in position.

THREE HOURS YOU GUYS. For three hours she slept on me like that. Maybe I also slept for three hours but that is not the point. And during Superbowl? MORE NAPTIMES ON MOM. I was dying, DYING and in cuddly cat heaven because as you know cuddle time is always intense and never lasts more than 3.5 minutes. I refused to wake her or even move. The only time she would get up was when Justin went into the kitchen because maybe he was getting her cheese or treats or even some toys probably all for her. 

That night she also went on a date, which is probably why she was so tired Sunday. A DATE? Yes, she has a suitor. A HUGE fluffy guy that has been hanging out on the lower patio caterwauling to her. She kept running in and out screeching like a crazy girl on a blind date, which I made a narrative for naturally. They haven't had another date since but I think that her desperation to go out on the patio comes from her deep love for him. Which means we constantly have to sweep up the flower petals that are falling on the patio so she doesn't eat them and vom in my toms again (in other news the flower petal barfing has happened more than once...).

It never ends, the drama. But those two precious days of cuddles made it all worth it. And I do believe my arm needs some neosporin. Until next time, loyal meow fans!

check, check...one-two...CHECK.

HI YOU GUYS! Remember last time I blogged about being on the verge of a mild mental breakdown? I wish I was here to tell you that things have gotten better but in fact they have just gotten weirder. Nothing bad, nothing bad at all. Just things like having feminine flow problems for two weeks straight coupled with the digestive issues that come along with it. Periods AND farting? You've come to the right place, ladies.

And then one time at the gym I took a medicine ball right to the face and busted my lip open (because the trainer was far too busy calling me a giraffe to actually catch the ball like he was supposed to as it was bouncing back up into my face). I didn't cry at the gym because, hello gym patrons. But as soon as I walked through the apartment door and Justin asked how the gym was I started bawling and cried, "I GOT HURT" like a proper two-year old child that couldn't really form sentences. And then jmeoww licked the ice-pack as it was on my face and I just could not even fathom what was going on in my life at that moment.

I haven't felt like myself and I need myself back so I can start kicking ass again. I promise that I won't continue to use this space as a whine-fest however it is my blog and I do what I want for reasons unknown to any of us. I mean really, the point of this post was to tell you that jmeoww licked an icepack that was on my face.

In other, more HAPPY news, I am super excited to announce that I have been chosen as a Real Bride Contributor for Broke Ass Bride. So if I'm not posting here, you can find me there talking all things wedding and being budget savvy. And if I'm not posting there, then someone should probably alert the authorities.

And that basically wraps up yet another non-post post from yours truly. Maybe possibly next week we will have a vet-trip recap for you. If any of us make it out alive...

stuff and things.

You guys, I stressed myself out so bad earlier this week that I have been exhausted ever since.

OH POOR TIFFANY.

I know, I know.

Last week I spent my time OB. SESS. ING. over finding the perfect planner. Like, the perfect planner. With enough pages for my random notes and a folder to keep all of my miscellaneous wedding papers in order. Little did I know that there are 900 million options out there and not one of them worked for me so I took my ass to staples and built my own. A DIY planner, if you will. It's not pretty, so you don't get a picture. It is literally a binder to which I added dividers (with folders to shove all the miscellany in) and then printed my google calendar and a variety of organizing resources that I found online fo' free.

And then I haven't used it since. But I instantly felt better.

THE POINT? you ask. The point is that I am walking a very, very fine line right now between having my shit together and reverting to 2009 Tiffany that suffered from stress-related stomach pains convincing her that she had an ulcer and that she was going to die (not to be confused with 2010 Tiffany that had phantom loin pain and convinced herself that she had kidney cancer and that she was going to die). Obsessing over minor things like THE PERFECT PLANNER is totally a sign that I am nearly crossing that line between normal and insane Tiffany that needs to DO ALL THE THINGS even if it kills her and yes I need to look at the Cartwheel App RIGHT NOW because how else will I know if I can get a deal on cat litter at Target?

And then the crying into the Coors Light bottle on a Tuesday night signals to everyone that, WHOA. Tiffany needs a time out so please put your electronics down right now and don't even worry your tiny little head about anything other than wedding planning and The Walking Dead and whether or not Carl really is the psychopathic child delinquent that you are predicting he will become.

Basically, this is my excuse for being absent once again from this blog. And basically this is my announcement that I cannot be depended on for anything other than my great theories about The Walking Dead and also wedding planning. Even though I printed blog planning sheets for my perfect planner. Maybe once I relax and drink more Coors Light I will actually use them and plan some actual blog action.

But until then, stay classy and sane my friends.

(although, ps - we have a vet trip coming up next weekend so you know, blog content for years...)

freeze! jk please don't.

How is it even possible that weatherpocalypse occurred AFTER my beloved social media guide? Thanks a lot for that, atmosphere. The socials medias are losing their damn minds over this insane weather — only rightfully so for the people experiencing it.

via buzzfeed.

And then you have your Californian assholes like myself that are SWEATING. No, I am not an abnormal sweater-er, but when you wake up and it is 40 degrees out, you dress for 40 degrees not the 78 degrees that you end up spending your day in. We suffer, in our own ways. I am suffering by not being able to wear all of my cute scarves and sweaters that I knew I needed because last January we had our very own weatherpocalypse which required me to wear thermals AND sweaters. And socks with TOMS because that is how I roll. Even though I do that on most normal days due to my suspected poor circulation. The struggle, you guys.

There is a point to this post, I promise. My point is taken from a Facebook status from a cousin of mine that is suffering through this insanity in the Midwest. She said something closely related to: We don't mock your earthquakes, hurricanes, wildfires, and heatwaves!

And then my sweaty heart broke a little bit and I wanted to send every single one of my Midwestern and otherwise abnormally chilly friends a nice toasty and moist sweaty hug to get them through this. Except for the Shitlers because they are having far too much fun in their -16 degree wonderland. Or so snapchat tells me.

But if one more person, JUST ONE spouts the phrase "SO MUCH FOR GLOBAL WARMING" I will literally spew carbon dioxide from my own pores and cause my very own localized climate catastrophe.

Midwestern and otherwise abnormally chilly friends — HANG IN THERE! And don't ever forget how you've been treated when those heat waves come along and we all start bitching about it — we deserve your wrath!

The (un)Official Social Media Guide - 2014

In the last three months alone, I have thought about deleting my Facebook no less than 36 times. Between the hot debate I started over who marriage is actually for, to being crucified for defending my place of work, Facebook is just not fun anymore. It has made people conceited, combative, and ignorant. Yes, ignorant. Because why actually go out and research anything on your own when your cousin Verne is sharing articles that his neighbor Tobias shared? FACEBOOK IS THE GOSPEL.

No, no it isn't.

And beyond the spreading of ignorant opinions, memes, and false news articles, it has given people the belief that it is perfectly acceptable to be an asshole on the internet. Listen, I won't comment on each of the invites to your goddamned Arbonne parties telling you that it is a pyramid scheme if you don't comment on my posts about my place of employment.

Things that we type into a tiny comment box with improper spelling and punctuation? They get misinterpreted and start unnecessary drama. Oh you think my sister was being rude? Girl, please we all know when she's intentionally being rude. THERE WAS A SMILEY FACE FOR SHIT'S SAKE.

But its my Facebook/Twitter/Instagram and I do what I want! Yes, and I have the option to unfriend/delete you and I thank the angels above every day for that. The social media circles that I choose to include myself in should be a place where I feel comfortable sharing photos, life updates, and other things relevant about my life to the friends and family I do not see or speak to often.

So if you are like me, and would like social media to return to the lovely roots that it began with, follow these simple rules.

Share a respectable amount of photos - We love seeing photos of our friends and family! But do they really want to look through all 543 of your engagement photos? 700 of you wedding? Your #OOTD every day? No one has time for that. Choose a selection that best represents your event/yourself and post them. With captions. So we know which flavor of the month that is by your side.

Keep your comments friendly and minimal - You do not have to comment on every single thing that pops up in your newsfeed. And don't leave comments that are mean. Remember, we are all in a safe-sharing zone - not one in which we should have to defend ourselves, EVER. If you don't like something you see in your newsfeed, scroll right past it! And if it really bothers you, send your friend a private message.

Share minimal information - Again with the minimal! Especially concerning financials, am I right? But seriously, we do not need to know every single detail of your relationship or daily activities. Relish in your emotions, privately. No seriously. Try it. You can cry without telling the internet that you are crying. I promise. You can also potty train your child without showing us. You are goddamned right you can!

What happens on social media stays there - Do not, under any circumstances, email, text, or call me about something that you saw on Facebook or Twitter. Chances are, I will see it. Chances are, I scrolled right past it as my eyes rolled back in my head and I said a novena for humanity. Chances are, SHE WAS NOT BEING RUDE GET OVER IT.

If you think it is wrong, then it is - Have you ever thought, "Oh, maybe I shouldn't post that..." THEN DO NOT POST IT. If you think you might be being an asshole, chances are that you actually are. Step away from the keyboard and reevaluate your life.

Do your research - If there is ever an issue you feel strongly about and you would like your friends and family to learn about it, do your research first before sharing! I will never forgive myself for KONY2012. I hopped on that bandwagon faster than I could say "Is that Jason Russell jacking it on a corner?"

And finally, get off of the computer and go do some good! You will not save the world online, no matter how many times you share an article about Obama's communism or a photo of a child with cancer. You are not really helping. You want to help? Go pick up some trash outside. Volunteer somewhere. Donate blood. Just save us all the ass-kissing and don't post photos of it, okay? I don't need to see the needle in your arm.

Easy peasey, right? Give it a try. Report back. Let's make social media circles a safe and happy place again!

In 2013 I...

A year in review already? Yea, yea. I know. But I have decided to end this blogging year early with the hope that I will be completely blogging-refreshed in the new year. Basically, its my blog and I do what I want and you all love me anyways. And as I accidentally humblebragged to Michelle, I actually have some decent time off work this holiday season and I would like to enjoy it to its fullest! Working on those Federal holidays really paid off, Americans. TAKE NOTE.

Let's take a look back at the year that was 2013....

I did not meet my fitness goals. Hashtag proud. I started off so strong and then the commitment waned away as life's silly excuses got in the way. I did, however, make my best effort to eat better, drink less, and move more. That's really not too much to ask of myself. REALLY. So although my weight remains nearly the same as the beginning of the year, my ass is definitely firmer and my armpit fat is well on its way to being non-existent or less squishy by the time wedding dress time hits us.

I turned 30 and my family and friends threw me an amazing party. Which was followed by an amazing vacation up the central California coast. Which I ruined by blacking out via wine tasting.

My loverly friend got married which meant that we got to go to Vegas first. I tried to remove a temporary tattoo with a magic eraser. And yes, that was the most important lesson I learned from the trip. That, and that sometimes strippers will entrust your friends with their money. And shorts.

Jmeoww pooped herself and continued to be as jmeoww as she possibly could be throughout the year.

WE GOT ENGAGED.

And then I became a crazy wedding planning person that I said I never would be. I became grossly addicted to wedding blogs before performing a self-inflicted intervention. I peek every now and then. Hashtag relapse.

I became more of an adult than I have ever felt like. What does that even mean, oh wise Tiff Gee? It means that, with the help of my ever-wisdomous fiance, I set some boundaries in my life. Allowing the positive to shine, and removing or limiting any negative influences that affected me in that way that I hate. Yes, removing and limiting may have made me seem like a complete asshole. Self-centered. You name it. But along with setting these boundaries comes a level of self-respect and self-love that I didn't know I needed in my life. I have been more at peace. And I am happy.

signed, sealed, NOPE.

You guys. I have a confession to make. And because it is Friday the 13th and I feel like making up a superstition, I feel as though today is a day to be honest with you. Ready?

I hate Christmas cards.

I KNOW, right? What am I, the Grinch? Kind of, and totally maybe a little.

I love receiving Christmas cards, I really do. I DO. It is honest Friday the 13th, remember? I cannot tell a lie. And the fact that people think to mail me something and even some of you blog ladies take that extra step to send snail mail? Well that just warms my cold little heart.

I waffled on this, especially this year because of our engagement and upcoming wedding. My thought was we should be a real adult couple that does real adult things! We should really EARN those wedding gifts we will be receiving! So I forced Justin to take photos with me for these incredibly festive Christmas cards I was going to create. This is how they turned out:

Do you have any idea how nervous this makes me for wedding photos? Its like we can't NOT be assholes. I took that one nice photo and inserted it into some of the templates from popular online retailers. And then I threw up a little. Christmas card template people we are not. And if I had the patience and money I would've searched longer and harder (ahahaha) for the PERFECT template but as you know, (everyone at once) ain't nobody got time for that!

Also, because I feel like continuing my tirade, you can't put the pictures that you are going to put on your Christmas card on the social medias! THAT IS CHEATING! So basically, my Facebook family and friends have already seen these luscious photos of us. Why would I pay money to print them on a false-ass card and then go to the actual post office to do mailing things? Y'all have seen it!

So this is my confession, dear friends. Please don't take my lack of effort and enjoyment of all things Christmas cards to mean that I like you any less. It's not you, it's the actual fucking Christmas cards. HONEST.

This is the best I will do. Feel free to print it and hang it (Kelsey).

the uncommon gifts guide.

More presents? YES. I am sure you are getting the idea that I love stuff. STUFF. And buying things! For other people! Although I am not above spending the extra dough required to get free shipping on myself. So thanks for that, Forever 21.

If you come from a ginormous family as I do, you have a lot of buying to do. A LOT. And to people who say, "Just don't buy for each other then!" I say, "Are you not human?" Because guess what. If you don't buy you don't receive and although I wouldn't be mad if I didn't get anything in return...okay who am I kidding, I'd be pissed. My one rule for my sisters this year when I asked for their wish list was DO NOT ARBITRARILY CHOOSE ITEMS OF CLOTHING. We all have enough clothing. We could clothe an entire nation, if needed. I really wanted to go rogue on etsy and buy every and all of the things, but I behaved. Kind of. In addition to the family I was born into, there is also a Justin to shower in gifts. There are a handful of coworkers. Oh and also about 5 birthdays in the month of December. I have work to do.

Puss in Books Calendar - Cats in costumes with quotes from classic literature? Paired with a donation to a no-kill cat shelter, this is practically a perfect calendar for your lady workers or your crazy cat lady friends.

How Joyful Handlettered Calendar - Beautiful lettering and inspiring quotes. Her shop is closing TODAY for holiday travel so get your orders in quickly! (disclaimer: her shop closed yesterday. I wrote this and didn't publish in time because I got drunk baking things. so, new year's gifts instead?)

Bourbon Glasses - These are so impossibly cool and classic. If we had room in our cupboards I would've bought an entire set. For the gentlemens in your life that enjoy a good classic cocktail. 

Craft Beer Poster - We are lucky enough to live in one of the craft beer capitals OF THE UNIVERSE PROBABLY. Craft Beerd is a super cool vendor and if you happen to live in San Diego there are options that highlight all of our breweries and craft beer bars. SO RAD. Buy this for your beer loving brother.

Frostbeard Candles - Wasn't I just bitching about expensive candles? I WAS. But $15 and amazingly geeky? GIVE THEM ALL TO ME. Wait, I am supposed to give these to others...these would go to all of my Harry Potter loving friends. And LotR. And GoT. You know who you are!

The Shine Project State Charms - If you are a blogger and unfamiliar with The Shine/Threads project, you are doing it wrong. These bracelets are gorgeous and well-priced. I was lucky to see them in person at a boutique, but I didn't buy one because I was incredibly indecisive. And they are created by at-risk youth to help them raise money for college. They would be perfect for your sisters, cousins, or out of state besties.

Coralie Couture Gemstone Bracelets - THE DEAL OF THE SEASON. I bought a ton of these. She will customize your bracelets to your liking. And they are dainty and gorgeous. AND proceeds from her sales will go to purchase items for Toys for Tots. Perfectly sized stocking stuffers!

The Study of Change T-shirt (aka the Walter White head) - Why no, I am not over this show ending. I came across this shirt on Threadless and wanted to buy 10 of them. A seriously cool design. And if you are looking for other pop culture/geek/science/internet related t-shirts or posters, Threadless is your jam.

Los Pollos Hermanos apron - I DIED. This is just hilarious. I guess this would be for the Breaking Bad lover that has everything? Also, once you reach Think Geek, you will never leave. For the geeks in your life, TG is your one stop shop. 

I do have a ton of other favorites, but I actually purchased them and didn't want to give away any secrets. SECRETS. But really, I hope this helps with some of your Christmas shopping (if you are still shopping and if you haven't started you should just give up now). And if anyone wants to buy me a Shire candle I totally won't be mad.

guidance to giving.

If you follow me on twitter (wink, wink) then you already know this about me...I LOVE GIFT GUIDES. I have looked at approximately 67 and a half different gift guides and purchased approximately zero things from them. Online window browsing is my life. Guides for a girl. Girlie girl. Manly Man. Techie Man. Your Bestie. Your Coworker. YOUR MOM. You get the point.

But each of these amazing guides I've seen have one thing in common: EXPENSIVE ASS SHIT. Now listen, I absolutely love and adore the people I buy gifts for or else they would receive a pile of jmeoww's shit. However, I am a shopper on a budget, you know? Oh, you don't know? SEE YOU IN ANTHROPOLOGIE THEN. I'll be in the clearance section.

For those of us on a budget, we all know we are not going to buy the $80 candle or $120 mittens that I have seen on multiple lists (maybe I am exaggerating). Because who the hell wants those things anyways? Beyond the bougie folk, I mean. But if you want to send me an $80 candle I won't be mad.

Now to be fair, I did put a $24 candle on my wish list (not pictured because it looks like a candle) but it is from New Orleans and therefore exotic and not something I would purchase myself.

So what would a girl on a budget ask for? SO GLAD YOU ASKED. Because what kind of gift guide connoisseur wouldn't make one of her own?

Dayton blouse / Mossimo Supply Co. tall boots / Pendant necklace / Tartan plaid scarve / Sonia Kashuk makeup brush / Drinkware / Katy Perry Killer Queen Eau de Parfum / TOMS Metallic Silver Herringbone 

Yes, this is basically my pinterest board made into a remedial collage. But you get the point. And don't you dare judge me for my deep love of Katy Perry's perfume like my "friends" did in Ulta the other night. Granted, I did spray most of the bottle all over myself. I smelled like a goddamned queen.

But what about gifts for others, oh goddess of gift guides? How kind of you. And since you asked, check back on Monday for more guidance to giving!

the jmeoww diaries: v.12

Well, hello there! Long time, I know. We are beyond overdue for this edition of JMD and while the Queen Beast and I were brainstorming we came up with nothing! Nothing monumental, you see. She has become increasingly more lovable and cuddly. STOP THE PRESSES. Right? You see now why I have no blog content. However, she still has and always will have her evil tendencies. And her hilarious moments. So here are a few notable ones that occurred over the past few weeks:

The love of her life, Justin, bought her a house (so he could put away the plastic storage bin she had proclaimed her land). Her very own house aka the new base of attack operations. Shortly after the house purchase, I received a new purse in the mail that came in OMG A BOX. With tissue that made REALLY FUN TISSUE BALLS. Which means I won the house wars. Until I went out of town for a minute and Justin threw the precious box away. Like the devil himself.

HEAVENS.

Once she decided that said house was acceptable and totally not scary, she started sleeping on the cozy spot on top of it and my heart exploded into a million and one thousand pieces. Guys, when your cat has chased your naked ass through the living room trying to make you bleed, the quiet and sweet moments are much more meaningful.

We also sleep here. We sleep a lot.

She stole my cuddle spot. What the fuck are you even talking about, Tiffany? Okay, bear with me on this one. When we go to bed at night, I always curl up in the same spot on Justin. GROSS BARF, I KNOW. I will give you a minute to recover from our disgusting adorableness. One night as I was ipadding and pinning all of the things as usual, she jumped up on the bed like she always does for aggressive nighttime cuddles. Except she didn't come and stand all 15 pounds of herself on my delicate sternum like she always does. No. Instead, she went straight for the cuddle spot and stretched out all fucking proud. I WAS APPALLED. But also hysterically laughing because of her smug little expression. She laid there for about 4 total minutes (which is about 2 minutes longer than her normal cuddle sesh) and the entire time kept looking at me over her shoulder, like "SEE. SEE THIS?" Yes, animal. I see that you remain as the dominant being in our relationship.

She proved the Japanese wrong. And continues to do so. I can call her name from another room and she comes right to me and jumps up for some brief cuddles. Shit, she hears my car beep when I lock it and walk upstairs and she is at the door like a proud puppy ready to greet me. THEY CARE, JAPAN.

And like the stereotypical feline that she is when she thinks no one is looking, she has taken up her holiday residence underneath the Christmas tree. MY HEART. You guys, it is so fucking cute. Until we go to bed and hear the gentle rattle of ornaments and run out to catch her staring at the shiny balls on the floor like they are the most special treasure we have ever given her. The tree has been up for 5 days. She has knocked off 5 ornaments. And she is so happy about it. She just loves the tree we gave her.

Like a goddamned Christmas card.

I know. You try successfully photographing an all-black cat and report back to me. Better yet, those of you with an elf on the shelf — replace said elf with this photo and tell those damn kids that JMEOWW IS WATCHING.

That might be the best idea I've ever had. Look out, Christmas 2014. Jmeoww on a shelf, coming to a store near you!